moving on

hi all,i joined a while ago and kept dipping my feet in every now and then,its been 4 months since my ex left and i still abso devasted i cannot seem to move forwards he blows hot and cold says he''s coming home then denying it i know i will be better off without him but when you love like i love him its hard to let it go,if i was reading someone else story i would be going move on and get a good life for yourself but i am a coward and to be honest afraid also,its like what do i do for hols although my daughter has told me to go with her and her partner but part of me is then saying what if he wants to come home and i am away my life is stagnant and i wish i could move on my ex has, he is now living with someone else but comes to the house to see our girls and then says i will be home in my own time!! anybody got some good advice to give a good kick in the rear and get a life before old nick decides i been here long enough my love and support to all of us souls xxx

It really is unfair for him to be treating you in this way and he cannot be allowed to ''have his cake and eat it''. I''m always reluctant to give straight forward advice but I personally think you need to give him an ultimatum. How could you ever trust him again if he''s already living with someone else? If you took him back how do you know he''d stay? He says he''ll come back in his own time - is that just so that he can keep his options open in case the new relationship doesn''t work out? How could you ever be happy again with a person who has absolutely no respect for your feelings and wellbeing? You need to get into the driving seat and make decisions and plans for yourself. Don''t let him have the upper hand - take control of the situation and set ground rules for his visits.

Sorry if this sounds brutal - it''s not meant to be, but it just makes me so angry when I see people being treated in this way.

Action is right you deserve much better than this.

Being afraid to be alone and wonder what will happen with holidays etc is totally normal. But let me reassure you, my Stbx left 15 months ago and I had the same fears.

There are real opportunities these days to go on proper organised holidays for single people and you get all ages on these trips. From weekends away to full on holidays abroad, the world is very much your oyster depending on budget of course!

I have been on holiday with a wiki friend abroad and stayed in Spain with another lovely wikifriend (thanks again sting) So especially here there is a load of us in the same boat who join up and meet and yes even go on holidays sometimes!

I rebuilt a social life completely from a standing start. I have been abroad, done cookery courses, been away learning photography, in fact I do more these days than I did when I was married

So it''s a leap of faith turning your back for good perhaps. I turned my back on my wavering spouse about a year ago, for good. Truth is, I have never looked back.

Please believe me that you really can take control and rebuild your life. It does get better.

Remember be true to yourself whatever you decide. But don''t let a fear of being alone keep you in a soul destroying situation where you are getting nothing except crumbs off the table.

You will get loads of support here on how to rebuild your life from those who have trodden the path before you and are now thriving. It takes time and work but a new fulfilling life free of pain is truly possible.

Take care x

Hi am in the same place as you as my husband lives in a flat during the week and comes home at weekends and dangles normality in front of me but says one thing and does another. I love him dearly 30 years together but i know he is in a relationship with someone else.
I am going to be brave and file for a divorce or at least a proper separation as i am emotionally drained from it as i am sure you are..........
my stbx is currently on holiday with our children although we are not officiallly separated i was not allowed to go....
thinking of you it is so unfair the games these men play with our emotions

thanks for your kind message of support and hope i know i will get there at some point it just getting there is hard,but i''m confidant i will and be a better person for it,my life is enriched with so many things while his is not that sounds smug but heyho i''m entitled to be,i will need the help of all of my wiki friends as there will be tears and tantrums along the way but i will apoligise for that first
my love and blessing to you

Hi Afonelass.

Yr ex knows you so well. He knows that he is messing with yr head and he keeps you dangling on a string. Perhaps for fun. Perhaps as a backstop in case all goes wrong with his tart. And its foolish to allow yrself to be treated this way. I suspect you know this. But....

Its hard to tell your heart what to think. I suspect that you want to hate him and have nothing more todo with him. But yr heart still holds a candle for him. But yr head on the other hand knows that he is playing you for a fool. Hence the dilemma.

There are not many hard and fast rules for getting over someone. But the one way that does work is physical separation. As in no contact with him. If you dont see him, he cant mess with yr head and cant keep you dangling on a piece of string. Which is what he is doing.

Palliatives like move on. Get over it etc are a waste of time and usually are said by people that have never been here before. So you cant move on really. Not unless you stop seeing him. And that is the best you can do right now. C.

yes marshy you are right i think he keeping his options open,but not for long the worm is beginning to turn,he cannot have his cake and eat it.
i still love him and always will but i''m sure that will diminish somewhat over time,his situation now is horrendous but not my problem HIS his tart has major history so when you are of the decent side of the tracks it''s hard to see what he has become infatuated with,but opposites attract both in person and lifestyle as someone who loves his home comforts and gadgets he now got nothing and i think that will get to him at some point,i still have my life with my family and friends the only thing i don''t have is him and the eggshells i walked on.
i will get there with the help of my wiki friends thanx for support