Kids Finances and Emotions - all stuck...

I really don''t where to start with this or which way to turn.

After 4 years of separation crunch time came and I filed for divorce after some and the Decree Nisi has been issued. I am now trying to get form E''s swapped so we can come to a financial settlement but my STBX is refusing to do anything as she says she has no money to pay for her solicitor and wants me to pay the bills. I do not want to go to court as the only asset we have is is the FMH and to pay the bills this would have to be sold.

To make matters more complicated my STBX wants to remortgage the house and add another £50k to the mortgage. This is so that an extension can be built so my two sons don''t have to share (£30k) and also pay off her debts for sending my eldest son to private school (£20k) They are 18 &16. This increased mortgage amount is payable at the moment but as soon as interest rates rise.... The £30k will only put around £40k on the house.

I have been paying full CSA and extra for all three kids - phones, holidays.. etc since the split and have agreed to extend the mortgage once already by £12k - which I didnt want to do but got suckered into. Total STBX income is the same as mine, including the maintenance I pay - which is enough to live on comfortably - but the requests for money I don''t have don''t stop - which is exactly the same pattern as when we were together.

My daughter is 14 and I am happy for them to remain in the FMH until she leaves education. I know I am not doing myself any favours financially here as I will have to rent until then but if we split the house now they wouldn''t have much of a home at all and I don''t want that.

As a result I am constantly told that by STBX "my kids are against me and the only way to heal the rift is to to stop the divorce and agree to the loan so they can get their own bedrooms". Despite being older they can not or are not in a position to see through this.

I don''t want to capitulate to emotional blackmail or go to court.
I don''t want to extend the mortgage - though the kids do need their own bedrooms. (The best option I can see is to move house - but this is dismissed out of hand.)

I DO SO want my children back. We had such a good relationship before this started.

I want everything sorted so we can move on. How?

dooda

Extending the mortgage before sorting out the finances isn''t a great idea. I think you need to press on and separate your finances as much as possible. Unfortunately if your wife won''t co-operate there is little alternative other than start court proceedings. The court will then require completion of Form E. YOu could represent yourself or use a solicitor who is prepared to give advice on an ad hoc basis.

As far as the children are concerned they are at an age when they may resent a parent who, in their eyes, left and brought about the end of their family. Teenagers are quite capable of making rigid judgments in their own right and maintaining a stance of anger for a considerable time. All you can do is tell them you love them and your door will always be open to them.

If you have any contact resist the temptation to tell them your side of the story. The time is better spent showing an interest in what they are doing and sharing stories and photos of happier times you spent together.