This was going to be a blog, but can''t get it to publish, sorry its so long!
This has been one hell of a week, for many reasons one of the most demanding I have experienced since he left. To list just a few of the things that have happened I have been grilled by OFSTED, been to a one day conference for work, survived the first anniversary of the day he left, moved my daughter back in with me from her flat in Kent and had a second viewing on the FH which looks like it could be the one to sell it.
Tough would be the proverbial understatement but I have got through it. I should probably feel good about that, I certainly couldn’t have coped with even one of those days a few months ago but the trouble is I have a confusing whirlpool of thoughts and emotions going on from things which I have heard and read this week which I just cannot sort out in my mind .
Our youngest son, (19), has seen his Father this week for the first time since he left, it was apparently “difficult” which is hardly surprising. His Father has made very minimal effort to contact him over the last year. My son said very little about the visit to me and I did not want to push him or look like I was prying or trying to grill him but this makes it very hard to support him when he is obviously upset. The things he did say was that he told his Father exactly how he felt about things at home, that when asked how his sister was he declined to answer as that is her wish and when asked how I was said it was unfair of his Father to ask. I’m really proud of him for that one and hopefully it shows that he has taken it on board when I say that I do not want my relationship with his father to influence his relationship with him in any way. I hate the fact that I cannot give him the support he needs but hate even more the fact that I have realised how jealous I am of my sons in that they will be able to have a relationship with him should they chose to whereas I have no choice, I am really ashamed of thinking like that.
My son’s girlfriend told me that having met him my son thought his father had a “very sad life”. These words have been ringing in my ears. Whilst I don’t have any contact with him and haven’t done for months he does post on a cycling forum which we both frequent. This week he has admitted how much his depression has been affecting him, so much for me being the cause of it! He has also been really ill this last week. Most telling for me is that he is saying he has lost heart for his beloved cycling and is thinking of giving it up.
I wonder if he is finally coming out of his fantasy bubble, finding out that the grass is not as green as he thought it would be. I know everyone said it would happen at some time but now that it is, or possibly is I have very contradictory thoughts about it.
I really don’t want him to be unhappy in his new life not just because I still love him and therefore want him to be happy, but because if he isn’t, if he is no happier than before it makes all the pain and suffering he has caused so pointless. He will have destroyed a family for what? Maybe if he had told me he wasn’t happy if he had given us a chance to try and work things out then this wouldn’t bother me so much. In fact that is the thing that hurts the most in all this, the not trying, you would have thought 33 years, which he admits were mostly great, would be worth some effort. If we had tried and things hadn’t worked out I think the end of our marriage would be much easier to accept for the children as well as me.
This week I have had times were I felt ok, that just maybe I can get through this and times where I have felt the exact opposite. It’s just crazy that I still love him after all he has put me and the children through, when is the hate stage going to kick in, surely that will be easier to cope with?
I’ve been so close to telling him how I feel this week. I haven’t as I know I shouldn’t but its dam hard not to send what I’ve written. I long for him to acknowledge my existence, to want to contact me but fear how I would react if he did.
I think that because it looks like his bubble is bursting it has brought the raw emotion all back again. I had got to a point where I wasn’t crying every day but now it is back. It shouldn’t matter to me how he is but it does. How am I ever going to be able to let go? I thought I was getting better about it, obviously not.
Oh to feel normal again just for a day.
Oh Dees - what a week you have had. No wonder you have hit another roller coaster ride of emotions.
(I can''t get long blogs to work either.)
One of the worst things is not being able to fully and openly support your children through this. However you look at it the two people who should have been their rock and there for them have crumbled.
Have I recommended the Fisher and Alberti book Rebuilding when a Relationship ends to you before? It talks about a second wave of depression, and the importance of recognising it for what it is in order to deal with it.
You are doing so well. I quite understand the feeling of ''what was it for?'' and ''if it was depression could you not have talked about it so we could heal together''?? Why oh why. Such silly men.
I feel exactly the same....a very sad situation if he is still not happy,while talking to a friend we touch on this and she said I must be a very special person, as it would give her and indeed DOES, great pleasure to know he is not happy.
PS - And remember the uncertainty re your home is huge and is bound to bring you down for a while until you are resettled. Our homes are our nests, our security and full of memories....being forced to lose this may bring on another phase of mourning. Don''t be angry or disappointed with yourself. You are doing brilliantly. Be understanding. Hugs sc
Just a message of support, really... And well done you for dealing with all those big things in one go: inspections, conference and anniversary.
For a while, when my ex was choosing another, I did feel that she might be moving into depression or something. I thought to myself, ''what other excuse must she have to throw everything away?'', so I can really understand what you''ve written.
I quickly realised that you can only help those who want to be helped; they''ve got to find their own path. Ever since I had that realisation I''ve been trying the best that I can to concentrate on making my life the best one I can have.
As for feeling normal again, you will. I promise. (Someone promised the same to me when I was in the early days, and it''s a promise that came true).
Know how you feel, I got our divorce petition on the same day as the ousted call!!! You are in a daze, work helps but it''s like an out of body experience. You did really well to cope & you are doing really well.
Perhaps it is a case that at the beginning there was a need for someone for your x to blam for all the emotions he felt & naturally that person was you? Now it comes down to it perhaps he should have looked inwards instead of blaming you for his feelings / situation at the time - just a thought.perhaps now a yr on he is realising this, but e hurt has gone on & what is done is done.
You are supporting your kids, you are there for them & look after them - never forget that, you are their constant. As for asking re his visit to dad, leave it with him, if & when he wants to talk he will but if he doesn''t then he won''t it''s his call. Hard I know, sometimes my kids come home seemingly distraught but won''t talk & I just have to be there for them if they do, or just to be there.
Continue onward & up ward look after yourself, you have & can do so much you are empowered don''t lose that by feeling sorry for your x. Not to be hard but we all make our choices in life good & bad & he made his.
Hi Dees. So sorry you''re going through such a hard time again.
The hate may never kick in with you but what you need to remember is if he can treat you like this now, he is capable of doing it again in the future.
I hate my ex with a vengeance but even that waxes and wanes. Not because I feel any compassion for him but because I have times when i think he just isn''t worth the effort. He has treated me like sh.t and continues to do so. If he can do that to someone who really did love him totally then he is worse than anything that can be made up in a afictional world.
I have champagne in the fridge so that if he dies I can celebrate and believe me apart from him and her I wish harm to no-one.
I send you all my love. I know you can get through this and whatever you do will be the right thing.