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Feeling like I''m back to square one

  • Dees
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14 Jun 12 #336648 by Dees
Topic started by Dees
I’ve been working hard on changing my mindset, on letting go, at trying to move on but events this week have sent me spiralling back down at a great rate.

On Monday afternoon I got a text from my Ex to tell me that his Mother aged 90 had died suddenly and unexpectedly about an hour before. I’ve known Mum for 36 years, I’ve called her Mum since I was 14, she was a Mum to me when I had little relationship with my own, she was a very special lady. We were very close but since he left just over a year ago I have not seen her, we talked on the phone occasionally but she always cried so much if we did. She never coped with what her son did. Likewise I, to my shame, never felt strong enough to go and visit her, I knew I would just fall apart if I did and I didn’t think that would help her at all.

The ex texted our boys to tell them the news but asked me to tell our daughter as she will have nothing to do with him. That was tough, they are all so upset, they have never experienced losing a family member before.

The only contact I have with the ex is business like emails concerning the sale of the FH and the Separation Agreement but Monday evening I felt I had to say something, I know just how much he will be hurting. This started an exchange of several emails over the next couple of days. In them we talked just as we used to, I hinted that I would not be able to go to the funeral as I could not cope with seeing him, he offered to not go to one of the services so I would have a chance to say goodbye to Mum, an amazing offer.

This led to talk about our feelings, probably shouldn’t have gone there but in some ways I guess it was inevitable given the emotion around at the moment. So now I’m back to feeling sick all the time because I miss him so much, feeling so alone, crying all the time and all the other associated c**p we all feel just when I need to be strong for the children. Mixed up because I thought I was making progress but am feeling back to square one. I wish he hadn’t said that he still cares about me a lot even though he doesn’t love me.

  • sun flower
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14 Jun 12 #336655 by sun flower
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Hi Dees,

I am sorry you lost this lovely lady in your life.....I know we all have individual beliefs re this sort of thing...for me I believe somewhere she knows just how much you cared for her. You have been lucky to have had her in your life. I would take advantage of going to a service where he won''t be there (with your daughter?), to pay your last respects, and deal with the closure.....these ceremonies are there for a reason.

As for the ''he still has feelings for you'' but didn''t love you.....they all say that....harden yourself....this is a man who has ripped your life apart and that of your children''s because he thought he had some entitlement to ''love'' but none to loylaty, honesty, integrity, his family etc. I am really sorry to be so harsh here......but this is a selfish man (in my opinion)...but to me it sounds like they want their cake and eat it. Lovely new lover but ''the auld ''un'' as a friend.

I hope you feel better soon. It is horrible when we just seem to get our lives back on track and we get knocked like this. I think to some extent this may be the nature of the thing for a while, and the more we recognize it as such the quicker we will get it on track.

Take care. sc

  • pixy
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14 Jun 12 #336658 by pixy
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Dees, there is always something that sends us back. Sometimes it is trivial, sometimes it is major like coping with bereavement.

No matter what the cause you have to harden your heart to him. He''s in a different place and is a different person now.


  • revenge
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14 Jun 12 #336662 by revenge
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Similar to me. Father in law died husband sent a text to tell me. I was upset he didn''t bother to phone me and tell me personally. I went to the funeral with my parents(although they found it difficult going knowing they would be seeing the son in law they have loved as a son). Husband spoke briefly to me before we went in. There was a seat at the front next to my husband so I decided to go and sit next to him, he asked if I was ok silly question really. I just felt it was my place to be there he had been my father in law for 22 years. I didn''t go to the wake afterwards as I felt I couldn''t cope emotionally being in my husbands company. His emails to me are very business like said he still really cares for me which I do believe but I want his love and our life together, yet I know he can''t give me that, as he''s been with ow since he left.(she wasn''t at the funeral). I suppose business like emails and texts are their way of detaching their emotions. In some ways it''s better because it doesn''t give us any false hope that they have made the wrong choice. I cry everyday sometimes a small sob sometimes I fall to pieces and cry like I did when he left over a year ago. The emotional pain is unbareable. Can see now he must of left me emotionally long before he walked out on the marriage(to ow)shame he didn''t say how he was feeling before he left. I can''t get angry with him because I still love him, we are at the stage of trying to sort out finances something he''s good at, but I am not going to be bullied into going along with what he wants, it''s time for me to get strong and try and put my emotions aside. If you feel like you have the strength to go to the funeral then go, it will be hard but the satisfaction I felt facing him and his family made me feel better.:lol:

  • Dees
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14 Jun 12 #336693 by Dees
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Thank you all.

SC, special thanks to you,
Logically I know that he is a different person, that he’s changed. Then in the emails over the last couple of days he sounded just like the man I knew and love.
Harden myself is what I need to do, you are right, where was the loyalty, honesty and integrity the 33 years together deserves.
I’ve never got angry about what he did to me, what he’s done to the children yes but not me. I guess I just don’t feel important enough, that I don’t deserve to be happy, what he did to me doesn’t matter in comparison to the needs of the children. Maybe that’s where I am going wrong, why I haven’t really moved that far forward.
As far as the funeral goes it will be family only at the crematorium followed by an open service of thanksgiving at her local church in Norfolk. Her ashes will then be interred next to Dad in Buckinghamshire. I’m not going to any of the services, I’m not strong enough to go. I really do not want to see him and I don’t want to potentially add to the distress everyone will be already feeling. I’ll visit Mum on my own and say goodbye in my own way once she is at rest with Dad. My parents will be there and support any of my children who chose to go, they are not sure what they want to do yet because he will be there. However if my children want me there to support them I’ll find a way.
Thank you so much for your support and for the much needed kick up the backside!!!

  • NoWhereToTurnl
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14 Jun 12 #336698 by NoWhereToTurnl
Reply from NoWhereToTurnl
Hi Dees,

I am not sure I can add anything to all the other posts but I can send you love and support.

My exh''s father died in April, he was a wonderful man and had been like a father to me as I lost my biological father when I was a child. I divorced in 2005 after my ex was having an affair, we had been together for 35 years. When he became ill I visited him in hospital, having made sure my ex & OW would not be there. I had seen him the night before he died when he had slipped into unconsciousness and quietly said my goodbyes.

My daughter was distraught and wanted me to attend the funeral, something I had major anxiety about but for her sake I knew I had to do it.

If you decide to go, prepare your outfit the day before and arrange how you are going to get there. I drive but opted to go by train so that I would not face 200 miles driving back in a distressed state.

On the day of the funeral I was a nervous wreck, I had not seen my ex since 2007, when he had been horrifically verbally abusive. I vomited 3 times before I got on the train but I got to the church.

He arrived with the OW, she was smirking, he had a face like fat, my daughter does not acknowledge OW, he will not even speak to me....

When everyone went into church he sat on the front row with OW & his family, I sat at the back of the church then heard someone whimpering. When I turned round my beautiful 26 yr old daughter was stood in the door way in tears, her father had chosen to sit with OW and left her outside! I went to comfort her, it was all very distressing but we got through the service. He well and truly blotted his copy book!!

I was asked to go back to the house by my ex sister-in-law but politely declined, as I left the church his family hugged me, he turned his back on me and OW laughed in my face.

I went & caught my train, would I put myself through it again, yes because I can hold my head high and it was the final nail in the coffin of the love I had once had for him.

Big hugs, white light and strength vibes from me to you,

Take care x

  • Dazed
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14 Jun 12 #336714 by Dazed
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I just wanted to add my support to this thread as I have had a similar week.

Sadly, my ex''s grandmother passed away over the Bank Holiday. We always got on well & she was a special lady. When ex left me for OW 3 years ago, his family wanted to keep in touch - which we all do. Sadly, though I never saw grandmother again. At first, I just stayed away because it was too raw, but then it became harder to just drop in after so much time had passed. We still swapped birrthday cards - the last one she sent was for my birthday last month.

Grandmother never acknowledged OW & hated her so when I heard (from ex) that grandmother had passed away, I said I would go to the funeral to pay my respects. I didn''t relish the thought of seeing ex - but ex''s mum & auntie had also said how much they would like me to be there.

Everything was arranged until the day before the funeral, Tuesday, when I found out that OW was going. Cut a long story short - ex wanted me to "bite the bullet & go" because his family were giving him a hard time that OW was going & not me.

In the end though, I just couldn''t face going & seeing ex & the OW. Time has moved on but she was still hugely responsible for the demise of my marriage & I do not wish to breathe the same air as the smirking, conniving rat faced ta*t. ex wanted to make this my fault - that I couldn''t just attend - never mind him & OW. Funny how it suddenly became my fault that he decided to ignore his family''s wishes & take a person who the grandmother hated. She would turn in her grave if she knew.

So yesterday as I drove into work, I started crying & cried most of the morning until I knew the funeral was over. I did want to see her before she was cremated but sadly there wasn''t time. I shall go quietly over the weekend & say my farewells then.

The last few days have been hard & I felt pulled into my bitter state of mind again. My thinking just reinforced what my ex has stolen from me - my chance for a family, my home, my future & finally, the chance to say goodbye to a special lady I was very fond of.

I know it will pass though - mostly I try not to think about things relating to him & OW & my life is peaceful now. Not totally happy, but I am getting there. We all will.


Dazed x

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