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Wife who prefers women after 13 yrs of marriage

  • kismat68
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20 Jun 12 #337807 by kismat68
Topic started by kismat68
Just joined this website, and wanted anyone out there with a similar experience to perhaps get in touch please.

Well after 13 years of marriage my partner decided she prefers women to men.

Initially I thought I would support her, as I believed she was going through a mid-life crisis.

Anyhow, after a few weeks of telling me her sexual orientation change, I saw her arrange date with someone she had found through an acquaintance, which I had no part of, and neither was I told until the day before.

This first night of this date, she promised she would be back by 11, midnight maximum.

Now consider this ... we have 2 very young children, so my interests was not only to keep my ex partner happy by whatever means, but also not to disrupt the children''s lives too much.

Anyhow, this very first date, she does not come home until 4am!

From then onwards things got worse and we argued a lot, so much so that I left the home, as I got very depressed and stressed about the whole situation.

Anyone out there thinks this is the rational behaviour of a mother of 2 children with responsibilities please contact me, as I am obviously too stupid to think otherwise.

Sad part of this are that the kids will not have a father figure in the home, and in this country I will end up paying for her adultry! Great, thank you very much!

  • Yummy_Mummy
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20 Jun 12 #337825 by Yummy_Mummy
Reply from Yummy_Mummy
I am terribly sorry to hear about your situation.

I think you ought to get legal advice immediately.
If you feel that you have had enough and want a divorce, you are able to apply on the basis of adultery.
Please consider a few things before you feel you want to just run for the hills.
As a British citizen, it is in your interest to remain here especially as it will affect your contact with the children rather than heading abroad.

No I dont think it is acceptable in what she is doing or done but you may wish to discuss this with a counsellor at Relate perhaps.

You need to remain focus and keep yourself and your children well. There is also the number on this website who you could call.

Hope this helps.
Wish you luck


  • kismat68
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20 Jun 12 #337835 by kismat68
Reply from kismat68
Hello DummyMummy,

Many thanks for your reply.

As you may or may not know, but in this country you cannot apply for a divorce under the grounds of adultry IF the adultry is committed with the same gender as the partner, it has to be of the opposite gender.

If the adultry happenned with another man, a better man than me, then so be it, and that I can live with, but a wife with 2 young children and 13 years of reasonably happy marriage...

Any men out there who feel paying for this situation is acceptable?

  • dukey
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20 Jun 12 #337838 by dukey
Reply from dukey
This is probably not as uncommon as many would think.

Your quite right you cannot use adultery but you can use unreasonable behaviour and state an inappropriate relationship, it amounts to more or less the same thing, adultery and unreasonable behaviour are both fault based as such you can claim your divorce costs, so in effect you wont be paying for it in the long run.

  • jslgb
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20 Jun 12 #337839 by jslgb
Reply from jslgb
Hey Kismat

I would imagine if what your partner is doing cannot be used for adultery in a divorce is possible isnt considered adultery at all.

Also, do you know there has been physical activity between them? Even if it would be classed as adultery you would need evidence in the way of a compromising photograph, an illegitimate child or a confession. Your best bet is to go for grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

Has your wife ever displayed any tendencies like this before throughout your marriage? How was your marriage before she made this announcement?Its a very bizarre situation to find yourself in and i guess there is no definitive end to your marriage. My personal take would be that if my partner left me for a member of the same sex it wouldnt necessarily have been an issue with me if you see what i mean. Instead my stbx left me for an older woman which is hard to swallow!

You''ve come to a good place for both legal and emotional support.

All the best x

  • greebobeebo
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20 Jun 12 #337909 by greebobeebo
Reply from greebobeebo
No it''s not. What would your reaction be if she found another man?

My Mum did the same to my Dad 22 years into their marriage. I was 17 at the time and I am now 40 and I have never forgiven her for what she did.

My Dad spent 16 years believing that he would take my Mum back once she got over her ''illness''.

As far as I''m concerned,it would have been easier to deal with if she had found another man.

  • yellowrose
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20 Jun 12 #337920 by yellowrose
Reply from yellowrose
I think whoever your husband/wife leaves you for causes you pain beyond anything you could have ever imagined.

Mine left me for another woman. I have been ripped apart by it. If he had left for a man I''m not sure how I would have felt, but I know I would have been ripped apart by it. I think fears about STD''s might have been a bit more prominent as well.

There is no easy answer that anyone can give you to make you feel better. You have to go through the pain of betrayal as we all have. The difference with you is trying to make it as easy as possible for your children to deal with, because they will face many other issues related to same sex relationships that do not impact on heterosexual relations.

I wish you luck

lots of love xxxxxxxx

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