I've been married 25yrs. Been thru lots, 2 kids with special needs - 1 mild. I sit at night listening to his snoring, which is record breaking, and wonder what the hell I'm doing here. Some1 tell me when is the right time to consider divorce, what is the right reason.
A litte info - we are cousins to start with, I have no parents alive, he has mother (my aunt or commonly known as the out-law). Our marriage has always been rocked with difficult periods. I've followed him around the country with kids - sometimes my choice of move sometimes his. At the moment almost 200 miles away from family. No-one in my group of friends or for that matter family like him very much although they all say around them he is very polite and courteous but towards me, in front of them, he is rude, curt and angry.
Yesterday he broke the kitchen door, slaming it off its hinges in temper and then shouting at 1 of the kids when they asked him not to be so angry with me ... I had 3 crying kids to deal with. Is this normal behaviour, its not the 1st time he's done something like this, although it's been a while. I don't know what to do.
He never does anything around the house, says he is tired and watches TV as much as he can, shouts at the kids if they interrupt his watching. Alhough buys the things to do the jobs and then I land up doing them, if I can - I'm a dab hand at building wardrobes (Ikea 20 mins flat), decorating - painting/plastering/tiling, gardening incl tree surgery.
I don't know I have so many issues with him ... should I shut up and just put up or do something about it. I feel sorry for him coz if I wasn't here he wouldn't have any friends to be with - he is a loner.
I know that I feel sad a lot, especially when he is around and that I make the most of the few opportunities I get to go away without the family at weekends to see my friends who live far away and I dread driving back again, not to the kids but to him. This has been going on for 10+ years and I'm sure he has no idea. I'm a real mess ... what do I do.
Someone please tell me what is normal- to feel the way I do, for him to behave how he does. He says he loves me but I just don't think I feel anything in return.
Maybe I just need to talk ... So anyone, got anything to say that might help.
Slamming the door off its hinges and shouting at the kids when they ask him to be nicer to you is not normal behaviour. Nor is putting you down and being rude to you in front of your friends and family. This doesn't sound to me like a healthy relationship and maybe it is time you got out, particularly if he has been like this for a long time or if he is getting worse.
My real worry is what might happen if you ask him to leave. Someone who is already being this angry and violent might well become violent towards you or even towards the children. So you will need to brace yourself and be prepared to call the police if necessary once you decide to do it.
Hi Mad Cow. You have been married a long time. 25 years is no mean feat. Congrats on that. There is also a lot of stress in your household.
After all this time things will go south a bit. This is normal. People will tell you that what your husband is doing is not normal. And they are right. But I think the stress has got to him and he is probably in a rut and perhaps so are you.
25 years is a big investment in time. You have been thru a lot together and it would be a shame to bin all this investment for the sake of a few bad habits. But you are right to want to change things. Its not nice living like this. Mariage needs maintence. You cant just wind up the spring and let it go off on its own. It will bump into things. You need to periodicly give it a nudge in the right direction. I think this is one of those times.
What I would do is put some effort into saving your marriage. Have a chat with him. Go to relate if you need to. Set aside say 6 months to save it. If you cant save it then fair enough you tried. But you have to dedicate some effort. You may have to drag him there.
But I must warn you that divorce is nasty messy old business and there are no winners. It will change your life forever. If you think he is nasty now try divorce. That will not be a happy day out.
But at the end of the day its your life and you are free to do with it what you wish. At least try. That way if you fail then you know you did all you could. Chris.