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my parents are getting a divorce and I am stressed

  • cazzashirley
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19 Sep 07 #3609 by cazzashirley
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This is a weird on, but my step-father has left my mum they have been together 29 years married for 8, he has gone to be with the widow of his best mate who died last October. My Mum is a total wreck and she has totally lost the plot and I am on suicide watch. She has a business, that I am sorting out, finances, a house, a 16 year old.

I love my stepdad dearly he has been so good to me and my husband and he is Grandad to my children.

I am the mediator between them both.

The woman he is with tells lies and is loving rubbig into my Mums face about the new home they have set up together, her 6 year old loves him. I know what is coming next a baby, and this will kill my mum.

I really feel for her and am trying to everything possible to help her, she has not got a clue about banks, bills, mortgages or business and has got herself into a right mess.

She has now been to see a solicitor and proceedings have started, he has stopped paying the bills and I have contacted all the utility companies, the bank etc and explained. She wants to sell the house as she can't afford the mortgage, plus she lives next door to her mother-in-law who is ill and for 7 years she has looked after.

She just can't move on and has lost so much weight and lives on cigarettes and coffee.

I feel so helpless and the stress is starting to take its toll on me now.:(

  • Sera
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19 Sep 07 #3611 by Sera
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Dear Shirley,

Please make sure your mum doesn't do anything too radical.
Obviously, we all understand what she's going through:
I call it Divorce Hell. I'm so sorry that you're both suffering, it's not nice, there's no magic wand that eases the pain, and to have another woman being so disrespectful, says more about her and her jealousies towards your mum.

After so many years, this is a tremendous Loss. Your mum will go through a bereavement period. It will take a long time to heal, but she will. It's just you can't see that at the moment.
Like death, in grief following loss, there's periods of shock, disbelief, anger, denial, etc. Eventually there's acceptance.

There are legal channels your mum can approach now. She can ask the solicitor to arrange emergency support for the mortgage, and maintenance.

Others will talk about the legal aspect. I'm not a legal person. Just talking through mine, and others experience.
Stick around here, read a lot of others experience.

It's often said that Death is kinder than Divorce for long-term marriages. We don't have to sit and watch him go off with another woman, society would have more sympathies, etc.

If it's any words of comfort, I would say that your step-dads change of life, after 29 yrs with your mum, he's moving on too quickly, and has not dealt with anything obviously.
I doubt he's in a well-space to have a baby with another woman. He still has to go through the divorce process with your mum. He'll recognise his loss of her (they all do).

I know you feel your mum is falling off the face of the Earth, but she's not. Please get her medical help also.

Don't panic about bill paying. All these companies have departments set-up for people in your mums circumstances.

Ask whatever questions from the board that you want to know, there's a lot of knowledge here.

Good luck

Sera
x

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19 Sep 07 #3618 by Athene
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As Sera says, it takes time, especially after a long relationship. It sounds as though you are doing a great job and being a terrific support to your mum. She probably can't take it in just now but I'm sure she will.

Women in these circumstances do learn to cope with new responsibilities and they do, usually, recover. I have.

I wonder if it would be possible for your mum to take up some new activity where she's not seen as someone who has been one of a couple. It can be good to meet people who don't know all the details of the past and don't know the partner. Evening classes are still recruiting and this is the time when lots of clubs and societies look for new members. Physical activities, from rambling to swimming, can be great because they boost seratonin levels and make you feel better - and encourage healthy eating, etc. too. It's a good idea to try something new because it's a start at making a new life. And it's great to find new friends through a common interest. None of this may be appropriate for your mum but it's perhaps worth thinking about.

Anyway, good luck - and I hope things start to get better soon.

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19 Sep 07 #3624 by cazzashirley
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thank you both for your advice, i have tried all this before with her, I know she is in a deep dark place at the moment, its been since Feb and he got caught out in April. She tells me she has nothing to live for, of course I tell her that is a selfish thing to say as she has a 16 year old and 2 lovely grandchildren. It is really bad as all her in-laws have pushed her away, their friends don't bother with her as they are his friends too.

She was no angel and has done some naughty things to get back at him, like scratchig his car and putting the window screen through. Last week when she found out they were living together she took his stuff up their house and emptied the bags out all over their drive, they weren't in and it is a rough area, by the time he got to retrieve it there was half a bag left!!

I am sorting out her finances with her business and house, and hopefully that will be one less worry off her, I have convinced her to sell the house and move so she doesn't have to see her in-laws every day.

I have tried talking to my stepdad, and ok its over but he has just left and is not taking any resposibility what-so-ever.

Carol x

  • mike62
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19 Sep 07 #3625 by mike62
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Carol,

I don't envy you at all at the moment - thank goodness Mum has a daughter who has some wherewithall about her to undertake all these things.

She is skating on thin ice in doing what she is doing, but I guess that she and you know that.

If her business is looking a bit scary, try speaking with her book keeper or accountant to get advice on what needs doing. If possible, keep paying any bills that come in, as the last thing she needs right now is to see her marriage and her business go west.

Good luck Carol, hope it all works out, and wel done for coping with it all so far.

Take care

Mike

  • gone1
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19 Sep 07 #3627 by gone1
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Hiya Cazza. Hats off to you for sticking with your dad. He is your dad after all as he brought you up. He will need you when this all falls apart and it will. This other women is desperate to make your dad her sons dad. I have seen this before.

I was disposed off by another man and my soon to be ex. And my stepkids disowned me. Trust me I know what its like to lose your stepkids and its not nice. I brought them up as my own and it was hard to lose them. They are evil little bitches and they all deserve each other. I dont think you are like that. But you are walking on a tightrope and its hard for you. I know the mother is to blame in my case but I expected them to side with me after all I had done for them.

Just keep doing what you are doing and supporting everyone. But be detached so this does not have an effect on you. These things have a habit of sorting themselves out. And not everything happens as you expect it to. This other women may not have a baby and it will probably all go wrong.

Just be strong for your mum. You are between a rock and a hard place. Good luck. Chris.

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19 Sep 07 #3628 by divwiki
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Also, as she has been in a dark place emotionally for so long you might want to leave the Samaritans number around for her just in case 08457 909090.

you might also want to e-mail them This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. just to have someone to offload to confidentially as her Carer at the moment. Can take up to 24 hours for a response, but is usually sooner.

Well done for all you are doing with her. it must be very frustrating and scary for you.

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