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Need some advice - complicated one!!

  • cehhants
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20 Sep 07 #3701 by cehhants
Topic started by cehhants
Will try and summarise a bit to keep this short(ish)

Was married for 12 years. Awful marriage, shoudl have finished when daughter was a baby but for financial/child reasons stayed together. Wife left in March to live in Spain. Left 11 year old daughter with me. Has since applied for Spainish residency although am doubtful whether will stay out there as has financial/social problems.

marital home was sold in March when she left. Equity paid off debts.

I initially rented a flat but have just completed on house for my daughter and I. Am in process of renovating.

I have a new partner. Very happy with her. Daughter taken to her very well, comments are that she's better with her than her own mother is. Have been very careful that daughter's feelings taken into consideration. Asked for her opinion again and again and ensure she's never left out. She's pretty much inseperable from new partner.


As usual "amicable" status is going out the window, she had agreed to divorce on grounds of UB but not any more. She's furious that I've met someone so quickly even though she left me.

She is saying that as we're still married my new house is legally half hers.

She does not pay anything towards our daughter, not a penny, or towards a joint loan from when we were together.

Expects me to pay to send daughter to Spain to see her - says that's what family allowance is for.

Any attempts at discussing things end in her shouting and screaming, disgusting name calling etc etc. She's even done this on the phone to my elderly mother with regards to myself and new partner.

I know this is summarised but any general opinions or help would be greatly appreciated.

  • DownButNotOut
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20 Sep 07 #3702 by DownButNotOut
Reply from DownButNotOut
A couple of points....

Your wife has a fair claim to the 'fruits of your marriage'. This includes any assets from the marriage (and if you earn more than her can include a claim on a share of your future income in the guise of spousal maintenance).

You do not say how much you or she earns so cannot make nay comment on spousal maintenance.

She (if she is earning) should probably be paying some child support to you (15% of her net is the norm).

Re: your new house.

Whether she has any claim depends on where the deposit came from to buy the house.

i.e. when you sold the marital home and used the equity to pay off debts....was there any left ?

She has a claim on the excess funds from the sale of the marital home (if there were any). Whether you kept those excess funds in a savings account or put them into deposit of new home wouldnt make a huge deal of difference.

If you have a pension she may have a claim on that...in fact in there are no other assets from the marriage then she may get a decent chunk of your pension.

On the UB thing.

Why not go ahead and petition yourself for UB.
Use her leaving you and your daughter and going to Spain as one reason....then come up with 3 ro 4 more....no sex...constant arguing...whatever.

I think as she is abroad you need to press on as applicant and drive the process or it will take years and you will not get closure.

  • gone1
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20 Sep 07 #3703 by gone1
Reply from gone1
ceh in hants. Not sure what you are asking for. This sounds like totaly normal behavour of a nasty soon to be ex wife. OK I have to try and answer what I think you are asking. You have sold FMH and settled debts and then bought another property and moved your new partner and your daughter in. Daughter getting on well etc. I think this is the thorn in your ex wifes side. Now I dont think that your ex wife has got a cat in hells chance of getting a slice of your new pie. This is becuase debts after seperation are normaly considered the person that run them up. And you have setled so no. You didnt mention that she is going to change the reason from UB to adultary. But it dont matter. It all comes out the same.

What I would do is nothing. Zip nada. I would prep up the CSA though as you have a right to maintenence for your daughter. And I would be firm with your ex that she pay's for half the air fares for the daughter. I would keep the CSA under wraps until things are underway as you want to keep her on the planet for now.

There is no need to discuss anything. Dont call or contact her. If your daughter is old enough to fly then I am sure she is old enough to convey messages like how she is doing at school etc. She could also convey the message that you will pay for say an outbound flight and not a return. Be tough with her. Let her rant and rave if she likes. When she zooms back from orbit she will see that she is being stupid and come to terms with the new situation. There is nothing worse (well there is but hey) than a child that gets on with the other parents new partner. Its universaly hated. Bit like estate agents. Chris.

  • cehhants
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20 Sep 07 #3704 by cehhants
Reply from cehhants
When the marital home was sold the equity was used to pay off debts. Nothing left. Deposit money for new house came from my parents.

Not living in new house with new partner, we're actually staying with her at the moment as new house isn't habitable!!

I earn about 30k a year, from what I've heard she's earning practically nothing.

I've been trying not speak to her. Problems come from her calling our daughter at my mother's house every week for a chat but she talks to my mother too and tries to find out information from her which I find really infuriating. I don't want my daughter to have to become a go between and at 11 she's too young to discuss financial things with her mum like payment of airfares etc.

Have loads of reasons for divorce, the moving to Spain, lack of sex, ABH from her son from previous marriage who's now in prison, list goes on. Also know that she cheated on me with what I thought to be a very good friend but don't want to bring that up as he has a young family.

Have started petition with an online company and have the forms at home ready to send off to courts. Just don't know if adviseable to send them at the moment.

ChrisM - new partner is estate agent so hated all round!!

  • Vail
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20 Sep 07 #3705 by Vail
Reply from Vail
Just a small point re ChrisM's advice; by all means offer to pay half the airfare of going to Spain but don't specify that it's for flight there only!

Also, I am not convinced that your x in Spain will calm down. A parent's instincts aren't easily shifted and if the parent in question is a mother prone to narcissistic rages then "unreasonable behaviour" is on the cards.

In your position cehhants I would get divorce the x in Spain asap because the quicker you do it the sooner you'll all be able to get on with life.

Good luck mate!

PS Not everyone hates estate agents, some people just dislike them LOL!

  • gone1
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20 Sep 07 #3709 by gone1
Reply from gone1
Hi ce hants. Your daughter doesent have to be a go between and nor does your mother. Thats not what I meant.

But she is old enough to say "by the way mum, dad will pay for me to come out next time provided you pay the return" Shes not asking questions just making a positve statement. A go between asks questions and passes on the answer. You will be amazed what an 11 year old can do.

Your ex is bound to baulk at that but thats her problem. You dont need to fund the whole world but pay half towards daughter. Which is fair I might add.

I agree with Vail. Get this done asap. Having this women in your life is going to cause lots of drama. Chris.

  • cehhants
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20 Sep 07 #3711 by cehhants
Reply from cehhants
Have spoken to mother and told her to avoid all conversations with my ex.

I think I'm going to send the forms off the courts asap and get things started, she's just causing upset all round at the moment.

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