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How do you cope?

  • tiesys
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24 Sep 07 #3860 by tiesys
Topic started by tiesys
16 years of marriage and three young children.

Thats what I had, then it all changed three and a half years ago when my wife suddenly started to reject me; it's a long story but basically she always sited my drinking as being some big issue ( I got a bollocking for being drunk on my wedding night and she has never let it go since then).

The three and a half years I have just had have been such that anything I did or said was wrong and turned upside down. My life has been destroyed.

She left at Christmas after a major row one morning. She took my girls and left our son behind. Since then I have been on my knees trying to get her back. She has concocted stories and had me arrested three times (always released without charge), and basically has made my life a living nightmare.

At one point at the height of our troubles in Jan 2005, I was on the motorway bridge looking down.

As I said, she left in December (but was still shagging me in February), but I was always hopefull that I could get her to come back seeing as although she said it was over and wanted a divorce, some 8 months later she had done nothing.

Then I found out in July that she had been having an affair going back to before December 2005. A little digging and I have no found out that it was always "common" knowledge. I have confronted both, but they still deny it even though I have had four or five independant witnesses to "events" and they are never apart.

I am absolutly destroyed; I love my wife with all that I have and I guess that if she had been honest, I could have started to move on. They way she has treated me over the last three years has been nothing short of deliberate cruelty.

Has anyone got any ideas how you move on? I am seeing a counsellor, on anti depressants and life just seems to get worse.

She has left me with £140k worth of debt that she seems to want to walk away from and I have no idea what to do.

Writing this down is like talking to someone so hopefully I will get a response.



  • gone1
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24 Sep 07 #3869 by gone1
Reply from gone1
Hi Mike. As soon as I started to read your post "Affair" poped into my little brain. This is common mate. And I must admit that men do this as well. They turn on there partners \ husband to belittle and destroy them. I dont know why. But they do. Could be to asurge the guilt that they feel. Who knows. Perhaps we will get a poster on here who will tell us one day.

Back to the title. How do you cope? Every day is a little step. Baby steps towards happiness again. Forget her. She is gone mate. What ever you do dont have sex with her. You have to clean your life up. Drink aint the answer and you wont find the answer in a bottle. Its not there.

How you come out of this is in your hands. You have the power within you to dig yourself out of the same hole that many of us have and are doing the same as you.

I am going to tell you 2 things that were told to me almost 2 years ago.

1) You will get over this and your life will get better as each day passes.

2) Time is a great healer. As time passes it get easier.

They are the most true things I have ever heard in my life.

Dont blame yourself. You may be thinking that this is to do with your drinking and that you have destroyed your mariage. This may or not be the case. There is not a person on this whole planet that is perfect. Ok Abi Titmus is very close but I am sure she farts in bed sometimes.

Take each day as it comes. You will go up and down. Youy will feel totaly awful one day and worse the next and then one day soon, you will feel better. This pattern repeats for a bit and gradualy (baby steps) the good days get more often and bit by bit you dig your way out of the hole.

I know what you mean by the bridge. I sat in front of a pile of Diazipam and amatriptoline early 2006. I had them all lined up and I had planned when I was going to do it. I knew I would be on my own for at least 12 hours so I knew it would work. Of course I didnt take them becuase I am still here.

I dont know what it was but I felt that I would be "Allright". And I am. So my advice to you is keep the roadbridges for crossing the road. You will only make a mess anyway mate and some poor bastartd will have to clear up the mess. Ha ha.

Last thing before I say enough. You dont know whats round the corner mate. Honest. The things that have happned to me in the last 2 years I would never in a milion years have guessed. Same will be for you. In about 2 years you will look back on this and say what a fool you was for thinking this way and how much your life is sooooooo much better.

Ok Enough.

  • jasmine
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24 Sep 07 #3880 by jasmine
Reply from jasmine
I agree with Chris take one day at a time. Look for something positive in each day. You will cope. You have coped so far. Think of all the things you enjoy and try to do one thing you like each day. When you lose someone you love it is bewildering. But there is nothing you can do to change their attitude. The loss is a type of grief. So it will come and go but as Chris says with time the gap between each time widens. Think of how you want your future to go. Plan goals to aim for. Good Luck.

  • Sera
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24 Sep 07 #3881 by Sera
Reply from Sera

I love it that us mere-mortal peeps can pull in so much positive energy, (in the face of doom) and reach out to the newcommers this way. (Chris, for a 'bloke' you sure do express yourself well), brilliant! An asset to the forum.

I came here for financial advise, like almost everyone else: how can I say my bricks!? Then people ask about the 'emotional' side of divorce, when we're at our lowest ebb of life, we're expected to suddenly be legal experts and on-the-ball!

So, I'm glad this forum deals with the gap-in-the-market. The courts don't want to know about damage, blame, he-said, she-said...

T, I call this 'Divorce Hell', but as the saying goes:
"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"

PS: I wanted to add "she doesn't sound so loveable! What's left to love"!. (But I know I'm in the same boat, so I'm taling rubbish!) Yeah, it hurts, but you get over it.

  • Louise11
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24 Sep 07 #3882 by Louise11
Reply from Louise11
Hi There,

You cope by coming on here and talking to people who have gone or are going through the same as you! You will ALWAYS find someone worse off than yourself, although when its happening to you, nothing seems as bad!
You cant make someone love you. The reason for the "hell" she has put you through these past few years is her own guilt! She has to belittle you, as it makes her feel better in what shes doing. If you allow her to destroy your life, then shes won, hasn't she?
You are a worthy person in this life, shes just made you feel you are not.
When you can get rid of the anger you feel towards her and get over the loving of her, then you will be able to deal with the debts and all the other stuff that will come your way.
I think you feel like a total plonker at the moment, when nothing could be further away from the truth, its not your fault, that she deceives you in this way. Forget trying to prove anything its not worth it and it tears you apart looking for the answers. The lies just get worse, making you doubt yourself even further. You have to decide that there is no turning back and why would you want to anyway? This woman is cruel to you and makes you feel like a victim, you are no bodies victim, you are you and your kids need you!
Your kids need you and they need you sober and showing them that life is for living and how much fun and good life can be!
You can only be hurt in this world if you allow someone to hurt you. You dont need hurting anymore! SO DONT BE!
Come on YOU! Dont allow it, live for your kids, show them there is more to life than drinking, depression and dismay.
We will all give you the support you need to get through all this but you got to be the one who starts it!
You have to get up and brush yourself down, and start today as you mean to go on.
I wish you health, wealth and happiness, come on fella, meet some of us in chat room one evening it will help you enormously!
Kind ones

  • tiesys
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24 Sep 07 #3885 by tiesys
Reply from tiesys
Flippin heck,

Thanks to all that replied.

Truth is I am completly lost, but she has been in love with someone else since pre December 2005.

I am at a complete loss and know that the woman I lost is to all and intents and purposes dead; all I have o do is deal with the motion.

Thankfully, it would appear I have people like you around to help me see this through.

Thank you all


  • OBEs 1 canoodly
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24 Sep 07 #3886 by OBEs 1 canoodly
Reply from OBEs 1 canoodly
Hello Mike,

I can't add very much more than has already been said because all of the above is my sentiments too. ChrisM is another guy and everything he said has come from the heart - man to man - every word has made sense. Then Louise11 very much a lady after my own heart who will tell you how it is! Best kind of help you can get to help you go forward! Only you can truly help yourself but all of us on here can give you the strength to do that...to start to believe in you again. This woman has stripped you of all your self belief but that is only very temporary!

Most of us have travelled this road in one way or another...I luckily have never felt the need to take my life due to anothers misgivings...I value my life too much....and that of my children..my god what would they do if I took my own life...how would they feel...they would live with a kind of guilt forever ....anyway I am too much of a coward....what a flippin waste!!!I love going down the pub....going out on the motorbike....climbing the hills and looking down on this beautiful land of ours...there are beautiful places to go to achieve this feeling of wellbeing Derbyshire, Lake district, Scotland, freedom, fresh air, real stuff.........

My OBE when he was in your situation he would walk 3000ft up Elvelyn in the lake district and once at the top would reflect back down below and feel renewed! Its a good place to get the shit out of your head and all the excersise that goes with that does start to renew the oxygen to the brain which in time helps to renew the thought patterns.......WOAH deep eh but tell you what it all works!! That's where he found his peace and from that day forward he got better and better and then hey ho guess what??? He met little ole me!!!!!!! (Poor fella he he he)

Come on Mike stay with us we'll help you.... life is fab and yours will improve each and every day. We are all willing to talk to you if you would like that. I am happy to send a PM to your inbox with my mobile no. if you ever feel the need to talk!!!

We are here for you matey

Love OBEs 1

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