How do you know if the relationship is over ??

Hi, First post here

I guess this is a question that is asked all the time ?.

My situation married nearly 10 years with a young school age child. things have been up and down for a few years, I can never do anything right ( well the ways she want's it done) don't listen to her etc...

there is not one specific thing I could say happened, I think I have just decided I can not continue with the arguments every 3-4 months, they last for a few days and she seems to "get back to normal". I can't they have worn me down, I am not the man she married, and I don't like myself at the moment.

My child is the only real thing that matters in my life, we have no real friends, my old friends gradually stopped calling after I got married, I have no time to myself, she seems to think we have to be together all the time,

Am I just scared of taking this step, Is this a mid life crisis. Is it really ME ?.

Hi.
Wish I could give an answer. I left but that might not be the way for you.

Could you get some relationship help? Relate? If I had gone down this route 10 years ago it might have worked, but then I didnt realise then what a marriage should be. I left it too long to the point that I couldnt stay. Relate works for many people and perhaps before your situation gets worse you should give it a go.

Have you both talked about this and listened really listened to one another. Maybe thats the first step.

Divorce is hell especially if there are children involved.

Take care
Tinny

A question no one really but you can answer.

I am married 15 years with 2 children. Now divorcing. I realised that while it is good to stay together for the children that can't be the only reason. My wife and I didn't argue we just didn't speak. We tried counseling and after two sessions my wife suggested we split. I tried all I could to persuade her it was the wrong decision. But she was having an affair.....the rest is history.

It is v traumatic and I am at the beginning of the road but what I do know is that deep down however hard it is this is the right thing to do. Not for the children as they are innocent victims and that is the hardest bit for me. But glad it is happening now before I get too old to re build my life with someone who really wants me.

Good luck. Try marriage counseling. Do not make any quick decisions based on emotion alone. Really try to make it work - exhaust all avenues as divorce is very unpleasant and is a real last resort.

Divorce isn't the preferable option.... I'd suggest you first go to Relate, work through what bothers either of you. Divorce should be a last option. However, it's also not good for a child to be in a bad situation.
I wouldn't have thought arguing every few months is anything other than the norm???

There are obviously issues here. Your wife obviously wants / needs / expects more from you than you are prepared to give. (That's not blame Sir, it's just what you'd said about her expectations of marriage).

Often women yell / moan / nag, (or whatever demeaning terminology their husbands choose). In reality, it's usually the partner that is hurting that starts the arguement, (because of their spouses inconsiderate ways), then the errant partner will cite that 'rowing' as the cuase of breakdown.

When you do row, does either of you stop to actually listen? and is anything done about the issues you rowed over? Or does it just subside when you're both completely run down, only to kick start again in a few months?

It's quite telling, that you end your post with 'My childs the only thing that really matters to me'.

Hmmmm. Your wife wasn't just some chyrsilis to bring forth this beautiful butterfly child. I think it's best you also take care of the childs mother, for the welfare and happiness of that child.

If your wife is willing, I'd suggest help, (help without blame if possible). Not divorce, not yet.

If it doesn't work, then at least you'd have tried... and the friends thing, that's for you to make the effort!

Good luck

S

I think you need to be clear what you will lose. I wondered whether I wanted out, but it wasn't until my x2b decided for herself that you realise what that means.

You have to balance up the effect on the kids and the fact that you wont be able to see them when you want to, be involved with them every day etc.
Everything you have built gets destroyed in a minute as you will have to divide it all up and the odds are stacked against blokes so you may not get what you think you are entitled to. It is also a costly business getting divorced. I am just starting separated life and the thought I am back to where I was 15 years ago, renting, shopping in poundstretcher etc is not good. I similarly lost touch with my friends and am starting again on that front since the x2b retained them (as generally they were also parents of kids' friends)

On the other hand, things hadn't been good for a while and in a way I wish we had addressed things sooner as if you cant work things out, to be going through the same thing but five years later is harder to take as you feel you have less time to set yourself on the road again.

Although I am only at the starting point of divorce, there are some benefits in that the relationship with kids has changed - it may only be once a week visit but the quality of time is better - perhaps this wears off I don't know, but that is a consolation at the moment.

I definitely think you must go to relate or some such mediation. I still dont understand why we needed to split, but it was too late by then.

Good luck

Hi Nothappy. I never got the chance I was just out on my ear. The answer is "when one of you thinks that its over" is when its over. If this is what you want then thats that. But you ought to think what you are going into and can you save it?

I dont know if you want to or can save it. That is upto you. But what I can tell you is that divorce is utter hell. Its not for the faint hearted and you will risk everything. So you have to be sure. Ten years and kids is a big investment. It could be just a glitch. I would talk to her and try and get to the route of the problem before taking the leap. Chris

What do they say?

"It take two to tango but only one to walk off the dance floor."

Good luck and as above, treat divorce as a real last resort.