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How do you know if the relationship is over ??

  • Louise11
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12 Oct 07 #4636 by Louise11
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Hi Nothappy!

Can I suggest just one thing beofre you head down this foul divorce path and that is read the book "Men r from Mars, Women are from Venus"!(Its in Asda at the moment, in their best seller section???) If you do that one thing that will take all of what? 2 days to read then I think its worth it just so you get an understanding of the "You dont listen! accusation we women love to quote! My husband got bored of reading it half way through but my god it opened my eyes to men in caves syndrome!
Another thing you say, "this happens every few months and she gets back to "normal"!? (or words to that effect) all i can say to you on this one is that maybe she has PMT, i know its the butt of many a joke but suffering it myself its unbelievable, at times i feel i just want to physically attack my husband for no particular reason, just that its him! OMG how mad does that sound? I honestly believe at PMT times im going insane, as the week after i cant beleive myself what i have done or did! The foul stuff that has come out of my mouth is terrible, there is no other word for it. I cant explain it and i try allsorts to sort myself out! At times these past 3 years i know he has thought about leaving me what with having to deal with all his divorce stuff ect ect, but he also knows give me another few weeks and its the Louise he married!
Try not to give up just yet, because i have a feeling that because you are on here asking the question you have that your marriage may not just be quite over yet.

Be honest with each other and tell her how you are feeling.

I wish you luck and happiness
kind ones
Louise

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12 Oct 07 #4637 by Sera
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Agreed with Louise. Also don't over-look other medical situations, she could be Bi-Polar, (depression, mood swings etc) just Google it! And read.

It would be really nice to think that just one person on here has the chance to save their marriage. My ex didn't ask, didn't seek help, just woke up one fine day, and changed his mind.

Most of us are left a bit High and Dry!

Sera
x

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12 Oct 07 #4638 by Fiona
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"Men r from Mars, Women are from Venus"!

Umm.... If I remember correctly the author had quite a few divorces himself.

He's a bit of a conman apparently claiming a BA and MA after studying with the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (anyone old enough to be around in the Beatles heyday will probably know who I'm talking about)

He also claims a Ph.D from a non-accredited institution that failed to meet the requirements for issuing Ph.Ds. Someone famously sums it up -

"Men from Mars, Women from Venus, PhDs from Uranus.” :whistle:

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12 Oct 07 #4643 by Sera
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I had a fridge magnet from Florida "Women are from Mars, Men are cr*p"!!!
:P

I'm with Fiona on that, he made lots of money on that book, and then his wife divorced him! Dr. Phil would be a better read! What I took from Men are from Mars... is they're apparently Neanderthal, and we're supposed to pussy-foot around whilst they have major sulks in their caves, (studies) whatever. it worked for thousands of years, then women were educated.

This is not an anti-man post. It's just a reference to that book!

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12 Oct 07 #4644 by wscowell
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Hmmm.... I read the book, and disagree with much of its contents. BUT:

He's right in one respect IMHO: men think fundamentally differently to women. Different things matter to them. They react to problems differently. Not better, not worse, just different.

I have recently fitted out our garage so I can make or fix things there. It's therapeutic to fix things, it makes me feel good. Every man should have a shed or workshop, now that caves are in short supply. I mean seriously, when was the last time anybody got a mortgage on one??

Just understanding how different we are, and learning to take the long view, can save many a marriage. We focus too much on the latest row, and pick it into a million pieces. Dammit, last time we had a row, 3 hours later I couldn't remember what the hell we were rowing about.

Nobody promised that life together would be easy. But life alone, although it has some advantages, also has disadvantages. And divorce sucks. Good luck

Will C

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12 Oct 07 #4646 by gone1
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I wish I had the chance to put it down to PMT. She just wanted a bit of rough. And she has it now. But she did have PMT and at times it was hell. But during 2006 all she wanted to do was dispose of me and in the most violent and abusive way possible. And it worked. I am not with her anymore and my health suffered.

Now I have trust issues. Its not that I dont trust as I believe that I trust as long as someone doesent give me reasons not to trust but will the person that I am with turn into a monster one day and the cycle repeats itself? I can handle the women depicted in Venus Mars but not the women that I married. She was just pure evil. But I think there is a little of that in everyone. I just hope and pray it dont happen again. Chris.

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12 Oct 07 #4660 by Fiona
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Will, I thought you would have a swamp in the back garden.;)

The differences in the way men and women think can compliment each other and should be celebrated. However, I think it needs to be remembered on almost everything that can be measured the psychological differences between people of the same sex are bigger than the average differences between men and women.

As for the garage thing, there is Guttman's concept of the 'parental emergency' which looks at the differences arising out of the need to bring up children. His theory is women who are very in tune with nurturing children and homemaking become more active, outgoing, assertive and ambitious once the children have grown whilst men tend to become less outgoing, less ambitious, more relaxed and more likely to be interested in hobbies and staying at home. Interesting stuff.

Anyway returning to the topic of the thread perhaps differences aren't the only factor here. I can relate to not being able to do anything right and the bad moods, my ex suffered from clinical depression for many years and that's exactly what it's like. Over the long term it's extremely wearing and there is a high risk that the partner of someone suffering depression will become depressed too. The good news is if it is depression it can be treated or managed when someone wants to change and seeks help, so I'd definitely recommend sitting down, talking, listening and trying to sort things out.


Edited:

PS From a family 'system' perspective it seems healthy marriages are those where both partners have space to grow and become fulfilled as individuals. Then they have more to give back and are more interesting so they enjoy being together more. It's really a question of balance.

Sometimes because of their upbringing people are insecure and afraid of what is behind their emotional 'screens' and this prevents them from allowing the space that their partner needs. Counselling or family therapy can help.

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