can i defend the divorce

I have been married for 21 years and have devoted my life to my husband. We have had some difficult times but have always come through them. My husband was never romantic but I have always loved him intensly. 5 years ago, I found out he had an affair, he left for 5 months (went back to Mummy) but asked to come back which I let him. Since then, I found it difficult to trust but as I have no family apart from my husband and 2 boys, I made the best of what we had and thought we were happy again. He never told or showed me that he wasn't. We have made plans for the future and he has always said that family was important to him as he came from a broken family anyway( mummy on husband no4 now )
In January of this year, he told me he was not happy, bored and wanted more fun !!!.. I gave up my evening job as a manager and changed to days but went to the basic job role as there were no jobs for me in my old role. He has had freedom to do what he wants but he stopped having a physical relationshipwith me from January and did not even give me a kiss. He totally shut down. After 8 months of me trying to sort things out with him and him ignoring all of my attempts to resolve and save our marriage, he told me out of the blue that he was going to be leaving at sometime. I went mad and told him to go immediately if he was planning to go at all. He went and now 2 months after leaving me, he has filed for divorce claiming a load of lies about me being posessive for the last 5 years and he can not lead a normal life.
I am furious as I have supported him throuhout our marriage and forgave him after he had an affair and wanted to come back. He never felt remorse for what he did and I have always tried to do everything for him.

Can I or stop him from divorcing me ? My 2 boys(14 and 16 ) are distraught and do not want a divorce as they feel it is the final blow from their dad. Any advise would be appreciated.

Sunsilk,

Take a moment to consider what you are asking.

You cannot stop him from divorcing you but you can contest the divorce (and do it yourself if you want to eat more than bread and tomatoes!).

Marriage is not made or broken by administrative procedures such as divorce. If you feel so much for your husband that you think there is a chance for saving the marriage then try to get him to go with you to counselling at Relate for example.

However, if he has made up his mind then contesting it will just become a battle of wills. You can be awkward and deny his justification for the divorce and he may spend an awful lot of money on solicitors' bills, but in the meantime your life begins to bleed away

Someone said here last week:

It takes two to dance a Tango - but only one to leave the dancefloor.

It doesn't sound like he wants to be in this marriage, so what's the point contesting the divorce? Your trust had gone from the first fling, (you can forgive, but rarely forget) and he's telling you he wants more fun.

If you don't accept; he has to wait for two years seperation. Or five years if you still won't accept.
(I think?) But that pretty much leaves you high-and-dry, with very little hope of reconcilliation.

You could ask him to find another reason, but 'Unreasonable Behaviour' is a pretty loose term, and some say it can be as petty as 'I can't cope with the snoring'!!!

I understand the indignity of the whole situation, but with the little you've said, of your contribution and support, it sounds like you were doing 80% of it.

I also asked my husband for counselling, and divorce as a last option. He'd just changed his mind, and will not give either a valid reason, or confront issues. Relate would only work if he was dedicated to saving the marriage, or giving you the emotional closure you need.

I'd only advise that you do what is nessecary in supporting your kids, and yourself. Stay here and read all our angst! You're not alone, although I understand it probably feels that way.

Loss is like bereavement, and you are in the disbelief stage.

I recognise the symptoms, my ex2b was the same. It took me a while to accept that it was over and I am asking for a divorce now. There is no point in hanging on or trying to understand. You can't force someone to stay with you, you would always be looking over your shoulder wondering when it was going to happen again. Retain a bit of dignity and move on. Hard words, I know.

I agree with Flower21, he does not want to remain married, there is little point in running up legal fees by contesting because you are not ready emotionally to face divorce and you feel for your children. You can't stop the divorce anyway although you can drag out the AR. If he has made it clear that the marraige is over, then try and resolve the financial aspects of split as soon as possible, do not let yourself get embroiled in disputes over money. If he did stay - you will spend the rest of your time together wondering if it will last. Just move on with your life. When you are over the grieving, and you start healing you will be glad you moved on. The boys will adjust, they are young teens and they will grow up and lead their own lives and get over this. Make it as easy as possible for them by not dragging out the inevitable, otherwise you could destroy their teenage years as a key time in their life when they should be planning their future and having a reasonable home environment to get on with their education. Keep the faith and keep the chin up, dry the tears, and move on with your life. Your boys will respect and love you for making this as quick and painless as possible, so as to minimise the impact on them long term.

dun wrote:

If he has made it clear that the marraige is over,

....Sadly Dun; thereby hangs the problem.

This lady, like Flower, and myself; have all supported our partners through difficulties, when the marriage was not 'Clearly over'.

If you've been through ups-and-downs for 21 yrs, (as this lady has) then how is she supposed to know for sure, this just isn't one of those 'low-points'?

Flower also supported her husband through an affair, he came back to her saying it was over, (like they all do! Have their fun, then come running home when they realise the grass insn't greener!)

My husband asked for divorce 21st July. Within the first coupld of months, he said he was confused, and suggested possibilities of reconcilliation.

I stood by him in the support of him getting help with his drinking and abuse.

It is not so cut-and-dry as to suggest move on quickly. It takes many, many months, (sometimes years) to get through a divorce, and please repect that this lady may need more time to adjust. It's been 21 yrs of devotion, it's going to be a very painful road for her now. Like most jilted wives, she'll probably have wished he'd died, because ultimately; she would get more respect and sympathy from society, and she'd not have to witness him moving on with someone else. (Not that he'd be any more emotionally 'there' for any new partner).

Sunsilk, I think you should work at a pace to suit your wellbeing. I wish you all the luck in the world with having a positive life, with or without this man you'd dedicated your life for.

Sera
x

I'm going to agree on the defending the divorce topic as valuable.

After going through this initial separation with my wife, and suspecting her of having an affair, I think that there is still a very good chance for us to get through this. Call me crazy, but I have to try.
I speak with a marriage and family counselor regularly, as my wife will not agree to see one together. There is a track record of marriages getting through affairs and such successfully, and making the marriage stronger in the end. Not expecting it to be easy, but I’m also not expecting it to be easy to get on with life after divorcing.
I recently read a good book called “Marriage Fitness” by Mort Fertel. This is a wonderful guide for anyone who is getting married, happily married, failing in their marriage, or getting divorced. Mr. Fertel suggests giving any relationship a full year from the date you think its over, before filing for divorce. Even if your marriage cannot be saved, he claims that this will help both parties find ‘closure’ and be confident that they did everything they could to make sure their decision is right and final.
I’m going to fight as hard as I can to save my marriage. I may lose in the end, but I can look my son in the face and say, “I really tried.”
Good luck. From my heart, I mean that.