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How do you deal with bare faced lies?

  • Nettle
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20 Oct 07 #5022 by Nettle
Topic started by Nettle
I hadn't been happy in my marriage for a few years, whenever we talked about it, he said I was the one who had changed so there was nothing he could do. So I put up with things for the kids sake.

A few months ago, he engineered a talk about the marriage and just kept asking where do we go from here, over and over again, until I said that we should consider divorce.

He is divorcing me, because I can't possibly have grounds against him :huh:I don't care who does it, so I let him.

We have got all the finance side of things sorted in mediation. I think he has done pretty well, cos I am moving away, and I will get my share in about 4 years, so his life won't really change other than my absence.

Anyway... I found out that he is having an affair. It doesn't hurt me, which reassures me that i don't have any feeling for him any more, but I do find him sneaking around a bit humiliating. He makes up silly excuses about why he is late home from work, or going in early. The kids have even noticed he is being a bit shifty.

So yesterday he said he was going in to work early, so he could finish early, and a bit later I was over on the industrial estate collecting some boxes for my packing, and I saw him arrive at the factory at his usual time.

Later that day, my solicitor rang to tell me that he had not yet started the actual divorce proceedings, so I said if he didn't get his finger out soon, then i would divorce him on his adultery. Unfortunately, my solicitor rang his solicitor and she mention that fact to them, and when he went in later they told him.

I was not really ready for him to know that I know, but it was too late now. He came home and demanded to know why I had said it. So I told him my evidence, and he still denies it.

He still insists he arrived at work by 7am, even though I saw him with my own eyes arrive at 8am!

I think what hurts the most, is that not so long ago, I felt that he was the only person I could really trust, and now I find out about all the lies.

How do you deal with someone who is in denial?

  • Nettle
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20 Oct 07 #5025 by Nettle
Reply from Nettle
Also... he is acting the victim, telling his family and friends that I am walking out and leaving him and the kids. That I wanted the divorce and not him.

I am moving away, so the kids are staying with him to finish college etc. So I am being made to look like a bad mother.

I feel like taking an ad out in the local paper telling everyone my side, lol, cos he is just blackening my name all over the place.

  • Autumn
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20 Oct 07 #5027 by Autumn
Reply from Autumn
Hi nettle

not sure that I can offer you any helpful advice because I am in a very similar situation to you.

4 monthes ago I initiated discussions regarding mine and ex2b relationship, I told him that we needed to do something about it.

The following day he told me that he didn't love me anymore, no chance of reconciliation and that I didn't need to understand I just needed to accept. I knew then that he had met someone else.

Despite finding incriminating messages on the computer (under a username) he has never been able to admit it. We are still in marital home, just sold so have prob 3 monthes more of living together!

His shifty behaviour, lies and deceit are hard to live with. I can forgive him leaving me and the kids but not the lies and the way he has treated me. He has never been able to say sorry.

He has re-written the history of our marriage to suit himself, I am sure he tells his new love what an unhappy marriage he has had etc etc.

Like you nettle, I have children so we are stuck with a connection with these gutless cowards for eternity.

As for dealing with the denial, we have no choice but I make sure that anyone who matters (ie our friends and families) know what I know. I have no hard evidence but I don't need it and one day everything will come out in the open.

He has to live with himself, I can hold my head high.

I, like you nettle trusted my ex2b completely, I never saw this coming. I gave 18 years of my life to him and he cant even be honest!

So, no answers but I intend to have a wonderful rest of my life despite him. Hope you intend the same!

  • TMax
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20 Oct 07 #5031 by TMax
Reply from TMax
Hi nettle

:-)you wouldnt be the first to put an advert in the paper LOL its already been done. person put advert in telling all companies that they are no longer responsible for any debt of any kind due to partner being an adulterer, I tthink he also put the picture of the person in the paper, I dont know what the legal side of that came to but it got UK attention :-)

  • lilybet
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20 Oct 07 #5034 by lilybet
Reply from lilybet
hi nettie,unfortunatly ,i too was portrayed in bad light,but like autumn i kept quite,yeah there has been plenty of revenge cases,out there some good ones too, you will get over the hurt and anger ,put it to good use,and show him how muich better a person you are. i know there are some good men out there but ,generally then can never take responsibilty for their actions. You need to concetrate,on your self,by the way how come you are moving out,sorry if i have missed your previous post. best wishes liz.

  • Sera
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20 Oct 07 #5045 by Sera
Reply from Sera
What stings the most is the trust issue. From adoring loving, TRUSTING partner, to the most vile specimen that you could think of!

OK: Two things: Firstly; I wouldn't worry about his lies, or covering up being late for work etc; let it go for your own sanity. Soon you won't have to see that anyway.

Be worried on what he lies about regaridng the Financials etc. The rest will soon be water-under-bridge.

Second thing: Why the hell are YOU moving out (and away from your kids) for his convenience??? I understand that you won't get your money for 4 yrs, (because of kids still at home?) But supposing in that time, he moves the new woman in? Then what? Supposing they start new family? And then a young child prevents them moving out?

I would be treating this liar with a lot of caution, and if he's cheating, I don't see why you should accomodate his new lifestyle. Hope you've thought it all through. and I wish you well with a new life.

  • topaz
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20 Oct 07 #5046 by topaz
Reply from topaz
I found the bare faced lies difficult to deal with especially when it was his solicitor who he told the lies to,then I heard them via my sol who'd heard from his sol. bit confusing!!I found my energy was better spent in proving they were lies, and not screaming and shouting and being bitter.Of course I want revenge but my revenge will be when he receives his share of assets and he realizes his income and the assets he has left wont support his present lifestyle.
Also I have become quite an expert now on recognising when he's up to something and anticipating what it could be,as I was advised" be one step ahead all the time if you can."

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