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Why do people start affairs?

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26 Oct 07 #5303 by duncan McEnzie
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They are lazy. working it out is too much like hard work. Then there is a whole lot of mid life crises going on.

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26 Oct 07 #5312 by gone1
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I think some people struggle to stay faithful. They crave excitement. I am not sure why my wife did what she did. She had everything. She had a lovly home (which she still has) and 3 holidays a year. 2 kids that were doing well in school and a loving husband. She had no money worries and she had loads of free time on her hands. But she hit 40, her mum and dad died and she had a hystorectomy. This must have changed her. Along came the fat coach driver and swept her off her feet. He has an exciting job with loads of travel to far away scunthorpe and beyond taking old ladies on trips. How exciting is that? haha.

I showed her loads of attention. I never forgot birthdays and aniversorys I was a good husband I am sure but I guess I was boring becuase I was reliable. Mr flash harry is the opposite of me. He is rough and violent. I am totaly the opposite. This must have excited her and she got swept along. Her real problem is that they got found out. I am not the forgiving kind. I could never forgive what she did to me. She hated this as I think she wanted to keep her bit of rough and me at the same time. I dont play second fiddle to anyone. I demand to be number one in someones life and if I cant be that then I am gone. So thats what happned. Then she wanted the fat hodges coach driver to be dad and she set about a campagne of making him dad. So the kids are gone and I lost my home and my family. He has landed on his feet. A ready made home and a new family. His own family dont want to know him. But he dont care.

Now there is a flip side. A bit of rough is just that. What she dont know is that he used to beat his wife and he used to rape and beat her. He hit her so hard once he knocked her front teeth out. She dont know all of this. But he is playing mister nice guy. He is waiting until he gets his feet under the table and then all the habits will start coming back. He is another one that cant stay faithful as he had 15 - 20 affairs during the 25 year mariage.

All I can say she had no idea what she had in me. She had a loving husband that would have looked after her forever. Instead she has a total bastard that will show his true colours one day and she will be totaly fukced.

I know this is a bit long and I am trying to demonstrate why people have affairs. Sorry its so long. Chris.

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26 Oct 07 #5315 by Vail
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Chris,
People change and nothing is constant (except death and taxes of course). If the two partners in a marriage lose a part of their bond, for whatever reason, it is more than likely that they will change in different directions.

Emotional boredom, as you say, is one way to lose the marriage bond, so is the sudden realisation one day for a man or a woman that this is their life, this is how it will be, until death. Is that something they are happy with? Couldn't it be better somehow?

How can it be better? It would be best if the couple were still close enough to be able to raise such matters between them, but sometimes they aren't or the disaffected spouse decides that there is no point in raising it because the other can't/won't change, not realising that they themselves may need to change too. It's so easy to see the defficiencies in others.

Surely nobody wants to be bored? I can't see any reason why with give and take, a normal marriage can't survive an episode of boredom by acknowledging it and resolving it with goodwill.

I believe an affair is an easy way to bring some sparkle to a lacklustre episode in a marriage. It doesn't have to be the of a marriage, it depends on the behaviour of the spouses afterward.

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26 Oct 07 #5320 by duncan McEnzie
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I left my wife because i found out she was emptying our joint account. I susspect there was probably someone else due to her odd behaviour eg, 5,6, or even 7 hour shopping trips returning with 2 bags of groceries.The being secretive with the mobile thing etc etc. I try not to concearn myself though and prefare to concentrate on the facts. I think that sometimes we can become victims of our own decency. Maybe they become bored with someone who has spent years trying to do the right thing and who is knackered with all the effort they have put in. Maybe if we had been a little bit selfish like themselves we may have retained a little bit more of what made them fall in love with us in the first place. The strange thing about my situation was how she remained incredibly jealous throughout. Odd considering her behaviour. To be honest i susspect she is a pathological liar with maybe a personality dissorder. Has anybody else had doubts about their ex s mental state. Its almost as if she spent our whole married life trying to change me from being the person she loved into someone she would eventually become bored with.

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26 Oct 07 #5321 by Vail
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Davjam,

If I understand correctly, you left your wife because she was taking money from the joint account without telling you, as well as the suspicious changes in her routine which suggest she was having an affair. I presume you tried to talk to her about it and at a minimum weren't happy with whatever transpired, more probably so infuriated that you felt there was nothing left to stick around for.

What you write about decency and selfishness strikes a chord with me. There is a character type that takes what is given and demands more in return, nothing is ever good enough. Complying with such a person's demands is, I now know, a mistake because it will never end. The demands will just increase.

The personality disorder you mention exists I think as a belief that the world will mould itself to their whims. So a lie is not really a lie, it is her version of the truth as it should be, not as it really is. This form of self delusion can continue indefinitely depending on what sort of support (even well-meaning) the deluded person gets.

It is very unpleasant to get a kick in teeth after spending years trying to do the right thing, but that won't enter your wife's head, because from her point of view everything will be your fault. It is as simple as that.

Her jealousy isn't all that incredible if you consider that she has been using you - she doesn't want you used by anyone else because that would lessen her control and therefore be grossly unfair on her.

By the way, she won't think she's been controlling you at all, you owe her, probably big time for various reasons that she'd have scrabbled around to find in her version of history, which will be so different from yours that you'd have to remind yourself that this person really is the same one who you used to see every day.

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26 Oct 07 #5322 by duncan McEnzie
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You seem very perceptive and well balanced. My biggest worry is uprootin the children. Cant afford house any more but being self employed have the capacity to work more hours. Dont really feel i have it in me any more to work the sort of hours i used to never mind more. I do feel very guity about this. I would welcome yours or anyone elses views and perhaps experiences.

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26 Oct 07 #5325 by Vail
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Davjam,

I'm not that perceptive, I've just been in a similar position to you. As for being well-balanced, that comes after a period of oscillation between wild extremes!

Children are more resilient than parents think. I fretted about mine and still do, one can't help it but think of it this way, if their parents' divorce is the worst thing that can happen to them then they'll be very lucky in their lives.

As for moving house and the discomfort that brings, it is all temporary. The thing I suspect is worrying you the most is the uncertainty, the unknown - and a host of fears agglomerate in your mind so that you don't know whether you are thinking straight. If this is so then in itself it is quite normal and natural.

What you could probably do with right now is an unbiased ear and feedback on whether what you are thinking is on the right track, to rediscover your sanity and self-possesion. One thing that I found helped me was to tell mutual friends, when the subject of the split/separation/divorce came up, that the matter was one between my x and myself and that our individual relationships with them should remain unaffected; in other words, no sides please.

Every one of us is different and what may work for one may be a disaster for another, but I think what you can rely on here on this site is goodwill.

It won't be easy, but it will one day be resolved. Good luck.

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