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Why do people start affairs?

  • Mrs Ingledew
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19 Feb 08 #14352 by Mrs Ingledew
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I never thought my stbx would have an affair - although I knew the woman he went with would.

I thought we were happy. In fact when he went I was so stunned that I said I said that the previous 6 months had been the happiest we had ever known. He even had the gall to agree - but this was becasue the had her too.

In this six month period he stopped work (I didn't realise til he'd gone - as he worked from home), and his input to family life was that to take our daughter to and from school and watch our son play rugby every Weds, bring me coffee every morning and muck the horse and pony out. the rest of the time he spent "playing" with her.

Our sex life was good - very good - or so I thought - we went a way to celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary 2 days before he left and he had the sick side to "make love" hours before he told me he was going. He even had the gall to say would I continue sex with him when I had a new fella! Still I understand that he has more "fun" with her and having seen the porn sites he visited not quite my scene!

So why did he have an affair - I was busy with work, I gave hime everything he wanted financially and sexually (with some exception), I though we were friends - but he wanted both and was in a position for several months to have it.

But he is weak and she told him to tell me - and I said stop and he couldn't.

I would have tried again after the affair - even though it was carried out under my nose and with joint "friends" knowing . . .

just hope I can learn to trust again and that I am finding difficult!

  • gone1
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19 Feb 08 #14355 by gone1
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Taylr14. It is hard to learn to trust again. Thing is you have to trust. But base this trust you give on some concrete evidence that this person is worthy of your trust. What I mean is what does there history tell you? Have they ever betrayed a partner or wife before? At the end of the day relationships are a leap of faith and you have to make a decision based on what you see and hear. Just make sure that its not basedon what 1 person tells you. Some people can spin a good yarn and leave out the skeletons.

My ex wife wanted to keep on seeing me. This was after I left and moved into my new home. I was having none of it. What makes people do it? It used to make my skin crawl at the thought of it. Chris

  • mummybear38
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19 Feb 08 #14358 by mummybear38
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Cake and eat it springs to mind here. Its a wonder your husband didn't ask you to let him continue his affair and stay with you maybe even let his new girlfriend share your bed!! - thank goodness you have the strength of mind to respect yourself. It sounds to me that your husband doesn't respect himself never mind others - wonder what his new girlfriend would think if she were reading the posting ?? I know if I were she I would be thinking very hard as to whether this man was worth it.

All manner of things will be difficult for the time being and I would urge you to rely on your inner gut feelings when dealing with the issue of trust - as the saying goes if it sounds too good to be true it usually is !! (I'm far too young to be so cynical lol).

Somewhere, someday a new special person will be brought into your life and I guess you will just know whether that person can be trusted so don't give yourself a hard time feeling that you can't trust at the moment, that is a short term symptom borne out of the deceit of one person, but not all people are deceitful, unfortunately you were married and have children with a deceitful one doesn't mean to say your next partner will be so.

Thinking of you,


  • Gracekelly
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19 Feb 08 #14403 by Gracekelly
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A lot of people seem to ask the same thing.
Why did he/she have an affair? I gave them this, that or the other....

Maybe the couple were never right for each other in the first place. They may have 'thought' they were but maybe that 'click' wasn't there for both of them.

Yes I do think people who have affairs continually are selfish and very much out for themselves. However often the other person is aware of things that aren't right but just decided to brush them under the carpet.

There are 2 people in a marriage, both equally have the same value & both should make the same effort.

Affairs can be exciting I suppose but how long does the excitement last?

  • Emalou33
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19 Feb 08 #14447 by Emalou33
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I was facsinated reading all the posts to this vast question. My husband left me after ten years together, seven married, for a younger woman at work, we had overextended ourselves financially with property and H worked 2 hours away and commuted every day. I had no idea about what was going on, he bought me lovely christmas presents, cuddled me and we had regular physical interaction until two days before he left. I though we were as close as it was possible to get, and he just left one night. At first he told me he was not seeing her anymore and stayed at the house a lot to see our daughter, during these times we talked and stressed and made love, but whenever he went back to work he grew cold again, I think because she was there! She had been with her partner for eight years and they split mutually, she went back to live with her dad, had a sports car, no debt and had not had kids, how could i compete? I thought because I was his best friend, but he manipulated me for months.

I still cannot figure what happened, he was never a deceitful man, but the lies have been constant since, even telling me he was attending relate as he needed to clear the confusion - he never went and I had my future invested in these lies.

So in answer - I agree with the lady that said, the other woman offered a release from our difficult existence, and he took it. I know when they start their life living together (they currently live 2 hours away from each other) as he then took a job near home ostensibly to be nearer our daughter who he sees once a week, that they will row and he will end it. He has made it clear to her that he will never marry nor does he want more kids, but she seems happy or thinks she can change him.

Sorry it's long, there is always so much to tell.

I miss the man I married, but he does not exist in this reality any more.


  • peteringout
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19 Feb 08 #14449 by peteringout
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Hey Taylr 14,
Not sure if I should advise of this but you might find some more supportive stuffe relevant to your thread on www.ivillage.co.uk


  • peterc
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20 Feb 08 #14452 by peterc
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i think my wife had an affair because of the group of people she got involved with up at the kids school...

There is a divorced woman at our childrens school who is a selfish evil poisonish bitch - who thrives on peoples misery and making them unhappy - as she is desparately unhappy herself (she tried to kill herself several times - new husband is a violent, abusive drunk) - she was jealous of everything that my wife and i have, and slowly poisoned my wife with her insidious lies (like telling my wife that i was having an affair!!!)

anyhow along come a divorcee-dad on the dole going to college to learn how to be a masseur! - he starts taking my wife out for 'coffee' etc during school time - she told me she was friends - i just buried my head in the sand and worked even harder.

I can see how my lack of communication has led to where we are - i dont think it is totally one-sided, but i would never have struck up a friendship with a divorced person, nor would i try to be more than friends!

anyhow - we are currently 'trying' - we are going to relate - my wife thinks our marriage has broken down because of 'growing apart' over the years - she doesnt yet see the truth that it grew apart because she was having an affair and because of the poison she chose to listen too.

i feel personally like i am coming out of the end of a very long tunnel - i dont feel desparate like i used to, i now feel quite ambivolent about the whole situation. I am trying to 'win' her back, but if she is not interested then she can go and live her fantasy lifestyle - because she certainly wont be able to get it from me (she is very high maintenance - only likes the best). I will ensure that my children have a home, and i will want to have them as much as possible.

if we can get back to a loving couple, then we both have to make massive changes to our lifestyles and way of living.

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