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Why do people start affairs?

  • Mrs Ingledew
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20 Feb 08 #14453 by Mrs Ingledew
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I miss the man I married, but he does not exist in this reality any more.

so true.

wise words

thanks

  • DEMI
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20 Feb 08 #14511 by DEMI
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I think people start affairs for all different kinds of reasons.

Usually because they are offered something they do not/or do not think they already have.

I admit that I had an affair and this is something I am not at all proud of. However, my husband is a person who does not show his feelings and there are certain times when you really need to know that someone cares, in particular when one of your parents is terminally ill!

One of my parents was ill in hospital and we have 3 beautiful children, whom I had to continue to care for, despite visiting my mother every evening until late (due to the poor standards of care in the NHS at the time), and then do things like the weekly shop and housework. Yes my husband looked after them while I was not there but from the corner of the sofa in front of the tv!

I believe that in my circumstances I may not be here today if I had not turned to my new partner for support, initially that was all I required. Then I became poorly! This was a total shock and by this time my husband and I had split up and he had moved out. It was now that he decided to 'feel something', from what mutual friends have told me since. This was obviously too late for me. I had to look after myself and be strong for our children. After an operation and a long time of recovery, I am stronger than ever, very much due to the strength, love and support given to me by my new partner.

Unfortunately, he was married too and is in the process of splitting from his wife. They are already divorced.

We do both say that neither of us would have had an affair if we had been happy in our previous relationships.[/color][/size][/size] :unsure:

  • Emalou33
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20 Feb 08 #14512 by Emalou33
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I think there are some very genuine reasons why people have affairs and not all circumstances are the same, but does anybody think that there is a definite body clock thing going on between 35-45, as my husband and I did not have a bad realtionship and he was not a naturally deceitful person - so what triggered it? i genuinely think it was a grass is greener and he doesn't seem to have figured out that it isn't yet....

  • Vail
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20 Feb 08 #14513 by Vail
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Demi,

I don't think anyone would have an affair if they were happy in their marriage.

  • Tinny
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20 Feb 08 #14515 by Tinny
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Demi
Very very similar circumstances to my own.

By the way things havent changed with NHS - Ive been battling all morning for additional home care for my mum. Im not getting anywhere. :(

The problem with this thread is everyones situation is different we cant generalise. OK there are a great many rats/rattesses out there but there are also those who have affairs who cannot be put into the same category.

I think we also need to be careful that those who have had affairs, and who come here for help are not alienated from asking for support.

The one thing most of us have in common is that we have been hurt, are hurting, or are going to be. We all need help.:(

  • mike62
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20 Feb 08 #14521 by mike62
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The problem with this thread is everyones situation is different we cant generalise. OK there are a great many rats/rattesses out there but there are also those who have affairs who cannot be put into the same category.


When I originally started this thread I hoped that people from all sides of the fence would elaborate. It is good to see that many have.

I think we also need to be careful that those who have had affairs, and who come here for help are not alienated from asking for support.


And you are so right - whether they were the perpetrator or the recipient, they need support. Never my intention to be judgmental, but to really understand how it happened in other peoples lives. So I go forward in life knowing what NOT to do.

For me it is about learning what went wrong and why, not about pointing fingers.

Mike

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20 Feb 08 #14522 by Vail
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Emalou,

There are people who suddenly think, "Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?" and don't like what they see. It could be simply because they don't like the routine and certainty that they currently enjoy and want a bit of excitement. It could be that they have come to realise that they have grown away from their spouse.

Whatever the reason, such a thought in itself need not threaten a marriage. I believe this to be this essence of a 'mid-life' crisis and I believe it to be resolvable within the marriage.


Tinny,

Who is the better person, an adulterer/adulteress or the cuckolded spouse? On the bare fact no one is in a position to say. My view is that if the marriage were happy then adultery would not have occurred.

Even if the marriage were not happy, mere adultery can be resolved and the marriage repaired and saved. But a marriage needs two people working in concert to make it succeed.

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