Advice required

I am a very foolish man who has been married to his loving wife for 15 years with 2 lovely girls.

Well as I said I was stupid and had a one-night stand with a woman when I was away on business. When I got back I told my wife and she was devistated by it.

I deeply regret what happened. I'm not even sure why I did it, but I suspect that it was a desire to experience some of my fantacies that my wife refused.

I have moved out of the mh, but would dearly love to move back in and try and move on again with my wife.

I am desperate to get back to where we were, but she seems to be heading towards divorce as she cannot imagine us being a couple again.

I have offered to go to Relate or just to live together without any physical stuff, but she doesn't entertain it.

Sorry for the long rant, but I'm desperate for any ideas to fix this situation otherwise we will both be lonely and sad in the future.

Hello Ark

I wouldn't say you were stupid you just fell into temptation and are only human. What I would say is that you are a brave man to face up to your misdemeanour.

I am sorry that your wife feels she cannot forgive you but it may be that it is still too soon for her and the wound is still a little fresh and still a bit sore.

I think you need to give her some healing time. Maybe leave her to face the demons that are whizzing around inside her head. When we are hurt or even bereaved we go through several stages before we can settle again and come out the other side ready to face decisions. We go through anger, sadness, blame ourselves, blame others, eventually a form of forgiveness comes and for some that can take longer than others. You haven't mentioned a time scale but I would think it is quite recent.

However, there could be another scenario here. I feel that most people who have had a long relationship and are still in love with each other, although hurt by something like this would be ready to forgive a first time. Have you maybe considered that your one night stand has given your wife the perfect opportunity she has needed to end your marriage?

You say she refuses you certain areas of fantasy. I know a lot of women become complacent in the bedroom after many years of marriage even though still in love but this can also be to do with the fact they no longer desire their life long partner.

Have you really looked into your problems in greater depth ark? The fact that she refuses you, won't go to relate, won't forgive you this one slip of human failing suggests to me that maybe she has wanted to find a way out for some time but hasn't known how and you have given her the perfect reason.

I am sorry to bring this to your attention although I am sure it could be something that has crossed your mind and probably why you were tempted to do what you did???

Maybe I haven't been of much help but please do not beat yourself up, we none of us are completely perfect and all have the odd skeleton in the cupboard. I go back to what I suggested at the beginning, give her some space and some time to think and deal with her concerns.

Hopefully she will come to a decision soon. I wish you well that it is in your favour but be prepared for the reverse.

If it is the latter, regardless of what you have done we are all here to help where we can.

May the luck always be with you

OBEs 1

OBE

Thanks for the advice, right now I really appreciate it.

Ypu are right that the event only happened a couple of weeks ago, I'm just worried that she has gone from stunned, to sad and now to angry and more determined.

I understand where you're coming from on the perfect excuse for her to end our marriage, but I don't think that this is the case. She says that she can't face the chance of being hurt like this again in the future, so can't see a way forward.

I still love her and find her attractive, it's just that I feel I need more excitement and thats probably whats driven me to the one night stand. I wonder if I need to get some sort of treatment / psycology to deal with my fantacies or does everyone have them?

I'll take your advice and give her some room for now. I told her tonight that I'm not in a hurry to divorce.

Ark

Hi ark

There is NOTHING wrong with you! You do NOT need to see a shrink to "deal with your fantasies! Its perfectly NORMAL to have them, (cept when they are against the law and we all know what i mean by that!!) The problem lies in the fact that that is what they are fantasies and so therefore should not be acted upon. I am now going to be critised for saying what i am about to say, but why did you feel the need to tell your wife? I suspect it was to dump your guilty feelings off on her! All you have done is deeply hurt this woman, because you felt the need to offload the guilt! You should of lived with it! I do not mean this in any way shape or form as a critisium of you and I know alot of people would rather know the truth, especially if everyone around them knows, but if it causes so much misery to the other person isnt it better to protect them from it? Anyway whats done is done, there is no turning back. I truely hope you can both work all this out but i think once the trust has gone its gone, i doubt very much anyone can get it back. There will always be question marks over what if or where is he/she, why did they do it ect ect. I understand that you seem to accept that because your wife wouldnt do certain stuff that shes somewhat to blame in all this but it would of been so much better if you could of spoke to her about these fantasies rather than act them out with another! after all our fantasies rarely, when acted out come even close to what we think will happen.
You have to accept your wife needs time to come to terms with whats happened, if down this long long path of divorce she may come to realise that in time she can forgive you, but i honestly think you ought to write to her tell her, how much you love her, you always have and explain to her that its down to you that this has all happened. Then leave her well alone to come to terms with it all. Two weeks is not enough time for anyone to accept this, it can take years and if you are prepared to wait that long then, so be it. You will have to wait! The ball is in your wifes court right now and thats where it needs to be without you complicating things by pressing her, if u see what i mean! I dont in any way blame you, and i dont blame her either, these things happen, its just a shame people get so hurt by them. I suspect you felt young and alive again, something that gets lost on marriages when we all have lives to get on with, kids, shopping, bills ect ect. Its nice to live in that fantasy world for a while and put all the mundane stuff on the back boiler, but thats what it is fantasy and should stay in our heads.
I wish you well and hope your wife can forgive you. But we are all here to help and offer support so give us a shout anytime.
Kind ones
Louise

Louise,

Thanks for the candid advice. Please be assured that my fantacies are legal and only involve consenting adults!

I felt a certain guilt, but knew that my wife would have rather known the truth no matter how bad it was rather than live a lie. We had discussed my fantacies and desires before, but she was unwilling to try them or go down that road.

I guess that my one-nighter was me trying to pursue these fantacies which I knew at the time was wrong and I regret it now. I wish that I could have done them with my wife!

You are right about the young and alive feelings I had .. I guess that you've maybe seen it all before.

I guess I have to let my wife think about it some more and hope that she decides to keep us together.