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Confused and indecisive

  • joydeepsaha
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10 Sep 22 #519953 by joydeepsaha
Topic started by joydeepsaha
I wonder if someone can give me some honest feedback about what I should do. I am married to my wife for more than 13 years, with a daughter. The marriage has not been great from the start. It all started with her unhappiness towards lack of attention towards her from my extended family. I have to say a part of my extended family were quite old fashioned and not very expressive in nature. The daily disagreements went to arguments and heated exchange over the next couple of years. After the birth of child this did not help as she probably went into more depression, massive weight gain and extreme resistive behaviour. Her behaviour is constant expression of unhappiness, criticism, blaming and constantly expressing it until I react angrily. Few years back, couple of times these incidents went to a point that I behaved violently by pushing her or dragging her on the floor etc. I am not proud of this but I always felt I am being pushed to this point by constant instigation and abuse. Over the years I realised that I cannot react like this. I got myself treated for my mental health and took medication as well. This helped me with my anxiety and I have calmed down a lot. But for her this has constantly increased in past few years. Her attitude now has become extremely verbally abusive and occasionally violent. Some of the blames she spreads across among friends and family are pure lies. One of the examples, she blames me for not letting her work. But in these many years I have never asked her to work, nor discouraged her to. Infact, I have always been the sole earner of the family and contrbuted immensely in looking after the child through her primary schooling and growth. Infact there was a time when the child was 3-5 years I sent her to a full day nursery which is quite expensive. The primary reason was to free my wife for some time. But she never used this time and wasted it doing nothing. In present, she has made life difficult living under the same roof. Since pandemic, working from home has made me mad because of her constant attack through the day. There are times when she threatens me coming into the doors of the room in which I am doing my meetings and shouting on me expressing anger in ways so that it is heard by people. Driving with her is a nightmare, I often feel like I will have spikes of anger listening to her blames from the back seat and I will get into an accident. I am anxious and angry generally after a long drive. recent behaviour is trying to teach the child, if needed with bullying that how bad I am. In return the child argues as well as she has grown up enough to see what her father is doing. Despite doing anything for her, it is always wat not done is the focus of discussion. I have personally given up on this relation for the past 2-3 years. But I am confused how can I leave her and go because she is unmanageable and does nothing but blaming. She is incapable of looking after herself, keep aside the child. When I talk to the child to come out with me, she isn't happy doing either because of her similar care for mother. Both of us are struck. Past 2 years I sensed heavily that she has serious mental health issues, but I am hand tied as GP does not help if I ask for and until the patient is keen to take a step forward. There is no way you can talk to her amicably, in a minute or 2 she will shout bully and argue.
I am seeking some inputs from people in this forum. If anyone has gone through similar confused state of mind like I am, please suggest whether I thinking of separation is right way forward or not. i am more bothered about my daughter who has started reacting to some of these situations as she is growing up. We both are fed up but again we both are so worried about her.
Any feedback, suggestion and thoughts are welcome.


  • Cup of Tea
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24 Nov 22 #520247 by Cup of Tea
Reply from Cup of Tea
Im not a legal expert, I have just read your previous post from last year and suspected something and having a scan over this post; it seems your partner has narcissistic traits. Sorry for having gone through such difficulty, I can relate from my experience. You need to get specialist counselling in dealing with narcissism and recovering from its harms. The affect of being abused by someone like this makes you confused and doubtful. Your partners claimed emotional state of feeling 'lonely' etc does not excuse cheating on you and all her bad behaviour towards you, which really hurts you. Your made to feel responsible for for how 'she feels', its not your fault. Keep calm, if do not know what to do, do not do anything, don't say anything, she wants to become angry and loose control. Be the master of yourself. Keep your distance, study Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), she seems to be a covert type of Narcissist. And then you will learn how to safely interact with her, and safe yourself.

You can find helpful content on YouTube, such as Dr Ramani and Dr Lise Leblanc.

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