But I really want to know. Because there’s a story in the UK news about a man who has been placed on the sex offenders’ register for having sex with a bike. Apparently, Robert Stewart was arrested after being caught in an intimate relationship, which just goes to show there is more than one way to ride a bike.
I’ve tried to work out how he did it, the ins and outs of it so to speak, but I can’t! Was the bike in gear for example? And if so, which one, first or second? Perhaps it was a ’mountain’ bike? Just how do you become intimate with a bike? Did he ask it if the earth moved? Did he say, "this won’t hurt a bit?"
Man who had sex with bike in court
A man has been placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle.
Robert Stewart was discovered in his room by two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south west Scotland, in October last year.
On Wednesday Mr Stewart admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court, where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how he had been found by the hostel workers.
She said: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.
"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down.
"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."
Both witnesses, who were extremely shocked, notified the hotel manager, who in turn alerted the police.
Mr Stewart was placed on the sex offenders’ register but his sentence was deferred until next month.
He is not the first man to be convicted of a sexual offence involving an inanimate object, however.
Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch, Worcs, in 1993.
thoughts on this, So what do you think some replies
1. Not so much a mountain bike, but sounds like a mounted bike! Question, did the bike complain?
2. Did he perform like a well-oiled machine?
3. I’ve heard of the camp bike, but this doesn’t ring a bell with me. I suppose he pumped it ’till he got tyred. Then he claimed that he was framed but was still saddled with time inside so he could handle bars. When he gets out he’ll peddle his story, well that’s the usual cycle of things.
4. What Ican’t understand is where was "She" sitting, standing, or maybe it was another he, and it wasn’t the bike he was humping up the hill
5. I just hope it wasn’t a tandem. Those threesomes always smack of the height of debauchery ! Of course it could be another example of creative journalism, and an ignorance of village life. Actually our village bike is quite attractive and the usual fee is a penny farthing.
6. It’s easier for a man to get his leg over on a woman’s bike - yet he’s called a poofter if he does.
8. Having sex with an inanimate object reminds me of one of Jethro’s stories.
9. "I was giving my missus a portion the other night, and she said ’What’s taking you so long?’
I replied ’I can’t think of anybody!’"
And just for HalLoween:laugh:
10. This report was apparently in the Washington Post.
The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old resident of Dacula, G A, in a pumpkin patch at 11.38 pm on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse next Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know a pumpkin is kinda soft inside and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t" he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his "need."
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence failed to notice a Gwinnett police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation for sure." said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he was just.....pumping away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she spoke to Lawrence.
"I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, then just looked me straight in the face and said. "A pumpkin! ***k me, is it midnight already?"