What should I do?

You said in your message that your wife is aware of the problem but won't or can't do anything about it. I do sympathise as living with someone with mental problems is always difficult. My own experience is of living with an alcoholic and might help.
As someone else said, your wife will only deal with the problem when she is ready and it is almost impossible for you not to facilitate her obsessions, by changing clothes ,etc,. because life has to go on. Don't blame yourself for that.
If you've told your wife you will talk to her parents, I think you should do it. She possibly doesn't believe you are serious because you've 'allowed' her to continue her behaviour so far.
The only other suggestions I have are to try to make her face how her behaviour is affecting the children and the entire family, but try to offer her some support, a way forward, because I suspect she's terrified. Maybe try to get her to talk to her GP, but have a chat with him/her yourself beforehand and explain the situation. They can be very supportive in situations like this.
You may be able to achieve talking about it by not complying with her compulsions and therefore making her face them. It's so hard to advise others as everyone's relationship is different. I used to force my husband to talk and gave him information about help so he couldn't just pretend life was normal and as far as possible tried to ignore his behaviour.
My other thought is that your children are the real victims here. This life is what they are growing up to believe is normal. As their Dad I believe you need to show them that it's not an acceptable situation, by example and support and help your wife to do something about it for them if not for herself.
If she can't deal with it after you've given her all the help you can, then it's time to think about the children's and your future without her.
I hope you don't think this is too personal. I wish you all the best.

Just a couple of points to add to the above. People suffering these types of disorders understand that the way they are behaving is irrational, and may feel ashamed and alone because of it, and unable to ask for help. If your wife can't/won't adopt coping strategies you could die of boredom waiting for things to improve. It can be particularly difficult for someone experiencing these types of disorders to acknowledge their thoughts, and if you give the impression they are being difficult or exaggerating, it may result in greater distress and anxiety thus compounding the problem further. In some areas there are support groups for the families of OCD sufferers and you might find it useful to talk to other people in the same situation before committing to divorce.

My ex suffered mental health problems throughout our marriage of 20 years. The last 7 years we both struggled to deal with it and mutually agreed to divorce because it was a vicious circle affecting my mental health which in turn was affecting the children. This was very galling for me because my mother had a major psychotic illness and my father had been exemplary in standing beside her come what may until she died. I'm so glad he didn't leave and was there to support me. Also I had worked as an occupational therapy technical instructor in a psychiatric hospital for a few years and had done a lot of anxiety management/coping with depression group work and worked as a cognitive behaviour therapist so felt I should have coped better than I did. Anyway a couple of years after we separated things came to a head, my ex had a major breakdown and finally received the treatment and help he needed. I think if only we had separated earlier it would have broken the vicious circle and saved many years of unhappiness.

Hello all and thank you to the responses

I have decided to discuss things with my wifes parents and explain what has been happening. I get on well with them and I am sure they suspect things are strained.

I have tried over the past 7 years to get my wife to look at OCD websites I tried to get her to come with me to see someone who knows what they are talking about but she point blank refuses.

I know I have probably not helped by putting up with he regime but if I were to walk into the house tonight without taking my jeans of at the back door I would be looking for a flat to move into sooner rather than later.

This OCD seems to be like being an alcoholic if the person does not want help for themselves you are up against a uphill struggle. Old saying you can lead the horse to water but you cannot make it drink.

I feel now that I am at the end of the road drained.

Thanks for the advice and will see how it gets on with her Parents.

Highlander

Highlander wrote:

if I were to walk into the house tonight without taking my jeans of at the back door I would be looking for a flat to move into sooner rather than later.

So, you're allowing yourself to be bullied and victimised by her illness!
She cannot summon you to leave the house. That is only done either at your consent, or through a Court order.

If I was you, I'd walk in to my house tonight, with my jeans on! (It's November, it's chilly). I'd also state that I think it innapropriate to be parading in your underwear in front of two pre-pubescant girls.

Maybe this will trigger a response so aweful to render your wife to admit she has a problem and seek help.

As I'd previously said: Her madness stops, when you no longer wish to be a victim to it!

SHE HAS NOT HAD TO ADDRESS IT, BECAUSE YOU PUT UP WITH IT.

I'm glad your in-laws get on well with you. Mine did too, until their son wanted a divorce, and like many of us, we lose our ex's relatives in the ensuing battle.

I helped my ex with his problems, now he's shooting-the-messenger!! And wants rid of me... be careful.

I think she needs professional help, and I'd be inclined to seek a support group, or someone with similar understanding of her condition, rather than her parents. if she doesn't listen to your advise, I doubt she'd listen to them either. Why should she? She's so far got control of her life - her way!

Now, put your clothes back on!!!

Hello all,

Once again thanks for the replys.

Well today I spoke to the in-laws first with my father-in-law and I explained I was thinking of moving out and why. Father-in-law was really good about it he suspected my wife had a problem but did not realise the extent I then went round and had a chat with mother-in-law who again thought my wife had a bit of a problem but not to the extent that the kids and I have been living with.

My father-in-law has been researching OCD online all day and can see it will be a long term problem if my wife is even willing to get help. They agree that maybe if I move out it may jolt my wife into accepting she needs help (unless there is a hidden motive between my wife and her family LOL joke I think) and at least they could use that as a way to approach the problem.

They are worried about how to approach the subject.

Well thats the update so far and I am now looking for a flat and we will see what happens.

Highlander

Umm....I don't entirely agree. In some cases sufferers of mental health problems aren't able to address their illness and putting up with the situation doesn't necessarily have much to do with it. Also it can't be assumed what is described above is OCD, or if it is there aren't other complications. Given this has been going on so long and sounds quite severe it would be appropriate for family to approach a GP for advice. In certain circumstances the 'nearest relative' (an estranged spouse won't be considered the nearest relative) can request the social services department to carry out an assessment.

Without therapy to manage response, exposure to whatever makes someone anxious or frightened may compound the problem. Conditions need individual assessment and appropriate advice/treatment from healthcare professionals. See NHS National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence information on OCD;

guidance.nice.org.uk/CG31/publicinfo/pdf/English

As far as divorce is concerned divorcing someone with mental health problems is really no different from divorcing anyone else. If former partners can't be friends it's important to disengage from the person, keeping emotions out of the negotiations about the practical arrangements and dealing with them separately.

Edited: PS I posted at exactly the same time as the last post and meant I didn't entirely agree with the posts above that.

Hi Fiona,

More food for thought from your comments, and thanks for the link. Our main problem is my wife will not seek help of any kind it is closed subject. By telling her parents and sisters she will no longer be able to hide it and this is where I think we will need advice before we let her know that her family knows her problem. Her parents are not going to say anything until we get this advice as we do not want to tip things over the edge.

Anyway thanks for the reply.

Highlander