For those thinking about divorce

Hi all
This is my first post on this site although I have been reading lots. I'm going through my own traumatic times atm and will post when I build myself up to it.

Ive been suprised at the number of new members on this site and the number who are just thinking about divorce. I was very naive about divorce and although I knew it would be awful I did not realise just how bad it would get. My confidence has been shot to hell, Im paranoid, nervous, worried about my kids, worried about my future. I probably needed advice from a site like this a year ago....but would I have listened.

I wonder can anyone really understand what is ahead by reading this site. I think that those just considering divorce at this stage really need to take on board what others have gone through. I dont think you can plan enough.

In saying all of this I know I made the right decision to leave my Ex. My problem now (but then it always has been) is trying to communicate with him without the put downs, the guilt trips, the emotional blackmail etc. I now need to be more positive about the future.

Good luck to all of you considering divorce. Get advice from others here and elsewhere. Give us honest background to your situations and Im sure someone will have been there, done that. Make sure you are making the right decision.

Tinny,

Thanks for breaking the ice and making your first posting. We share your thoughts on a lot of what you say, but what we picked up on in particular is that while we have gathered together a lot of very useful info on the site you do have to dig around a little to find it.

We plan to produce a "Beginners Guide To Divorce" soon that will explain in simple terms the basic stuff and once people have grasped the basics they can perhaps then move on more easily to explore the wide range of other info on the site.

Tinny,

"Here, Here".

I don't think any of us realised just what a nightmare Divorce was. Sure I have had real low points on this journey - but I am absolutely 110% sure that I have done the right thing. All the Crp I am wading through has done nothing but strengthen my resolve to see thing through to the end.

Take care all of you trudging the same path x

Wiki Thanks for the reply. I didnt mean my post as a criticism, how can anyone really advise in situations like this. I just felt I had to post something when i noticed how many were just thinking about divorce.

Thanks for the welcome.

Hi all its me again!

Tinny! its so true, how can anyone advise in situations like this???
My answer, in an ideal world would be.....DONT DO IT!!! Try and find what it was that you loved about the person in the first place and build on that, but hey we are only human.
Rod Stewart once said ( i think it was him anyway lol) a marriage licence should be like a dog licence...renewable every year!!! It would make a lot of sense considering what we all go through on the path of divorce.
The only people to benefit from this path is....well we all know who they are.
I am angry at solicitors who make the situation worse, it really is a terrible, stressful time and they, at times make it so much worse, i am not taring them all with the same brush, i suppose there are some good ones out there who help people BIG TIME! Just so few and far between.

Please anyone who is thinking of embarking on this path, please think about it really carefully. These people you are thinking of divorcing, remember you loved them once upon a time, try and take your emotions out of it (mega hard i know for some, and for valid reasons) dont live in a world of bitterness, it complicates things so much and eats away at you.

Cant think of much else to say really so i will love you and leave you for now.

Louise....wanna hug you all and make the world a happier place!

Dear Trinny,

I wonder if I may be permitted to add a few words of my own.

Divorce is often thought of as a solution to problems within a marriage. In fact , what you are doing is to swap one set of problems for another. You just cannot generalise. On the one hand, you have the situation where a husband has been guilty of serious violence, where there is little room for debate ; you have little choice but to get out. At the other end of the rainbow, you can have a situation where spouses can have a lover's tiff, Mrs loses her temper and goes to a solicitor saying she wants a divorce. Her solicitor writes to Mr alone the lines, " Dear Mr Bloggs, We are instructed by your wife to petition for divorce on the grounds of your unreasonable behaviour. We are also instructed by your wife to claim that the home be transferred into her name, for 50% of your net income and a share in your pension. We suggest you see a solicitor as soon as possible. " . You don't have to have an IQ of 200 to work out how the husband will react to THAT. So what begins as a lovers tiff finishes up in the divorce court with the spouses throwing things at each other ( not literally ! ). And the sad thing is that a little calm reflection and constructive talk could have avoided all of this.

So my advice to anyone contemplating divorce is to have a nice calming drink, listen to some soothing music, and then write down a list of what you think you might stand to gain by a divorce. Then write down what you think you stand to lose, bearing in mind the words of the pop song, " You don't know what you've got till it's gone. " Then compare the two.. Unfortunately a large part of this is finance In most cases, divorce means a reduction in living standards. It is sensible to take advice on the possible financial implications of divorce, and also about benefits, which can be affected by a split. Again you can't make sweeping statements, every case is different. It may be better to have a modest standard of living and be happy rather than be rich and thoroughly miserable. Try to remember that decisions taken under stress can be bad decisions. Divorce is a major, life changing step, and according to at least one survey as many as 80% of people who divorced regretted it later.

But it is your life, and the decisions is ultimately yours. Good luck, and hoping this site may be of some help in coming to that decision.

With every good wish
Mike

Hi Tinny

could I just say that your post seems to imply that you think members thinking about divorce are all doing so from the point of view of them leaving their partners. In my case, and I know that of several others I have chatted to on site, I ticked the box thinking about divorce as the most appropriate as I have not yet started divorce proceedings. In my case my husband of 30 years left me and our 3 children at Xmas and is now living abroad with a new partner and her child. Therefore I am thinking about divorce not because I want to or I have chosen to but because I have had it thrust upon me.

I am pleased that the decision you have made is the right one for you and wish you every happiness.

Best wishes

ChinUp