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Bondage or no bondage??

  • emotionally disorientated
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09 Nov 07 #6209 by emotionally disorientated
Topic started by emotionally disorientated
Although we had had difficulties over some time, i never actually decided in my own heart that we would be heading for a divorce, but we are now, not my choice.
I reluctantly must add that my ex has been found out to have joined a sexual bondage site . After telling me that she has now joined this, pointing to her "ring" around her neck, i asked where does that leave us? I was answered "thats for you to find out". My life has been hell for the last 8 months. I had no choice but to try and be a responsible Father to my daughter and protect her from "the Grand Master", as my ex is a sexual slave. There appeared be a horrible,unimaginable person coming out of my ex. I felt that she was seeking something from "him" that she must have felt she couldn't get from me. I said that this horrible discovery, which includes secret diaries,discovered chains and bondage straps and other sexual toys, would be exposed, together with the "rules and regulations" of the Website. After presenting this horrible stuff in court, the judge decided the this "normal" relationship was in fact one sided - a Master" and a "Slave". Upon this verdict, an injunction was put in place to stop my ex from taking our daughter to visit the "Grand Master" - her sexual lover. I'm left at this moment in time the worries of escalating court costs/solicitor fees and a dreadful forboding of losing our home. Not to mention an emotional numbness that has reached every fibre in my body. Our lovely home life has now been shattered, with her frequently visiting him. We are still living under the same roof. What would any father out there have done in this situation? I'm now fighting for custody of my daughter, my heart swings from regreting what i have done,to fully accepting that I did the right thing. Please give me your opinion,men or women, as it will be truly taken on board.

  • banana4
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20 Nov 07 #7119 by banana4
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hi,felt so moved by your story. You have done nothing wrong and are doing the best for your daughter. I am thinking of getting a divorce from a violent man. No matter what the reasons are, you end up feeling like you have failed in some way- but its the other person who has to take responsibility for their behaviour! In my case my husband would not even admit the violence. He was actually angry with me when I called the police for the first time in 6 years of putting up with it. Do not blame yourself. the pain is terrible, but you cant let that sway you from what you know in your heart is the right decision. I have a 17 month old daughter with him, a nice home, and when he is not being violent a very caring loving man. But is that enough? Put your child first and do the right thing. Hang in there

  • Camberwick green
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20 Nov 07 #7127 by Camberwick green
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Blimey, what a tough time you’re having, I agree with Banana, you need to do what you can to protect your daughter and if that means slapping an injunction on her then so be it, she is being very selfish and extremely dangerous in her behaviour, no kid should be subject to that no matter what she ‘fancies’.

I had to have my x2b barred from contacting us while we were still living in the FMH (Army Qtr) and barred from contacting the kids, their school, or from coming onto the estate, his movements were severely limited due to the threats and his actions in the lead up to our separation, thank the lord he isn’t their Father!

Only you can know what you feel is the right course of action but it seems you are doing a fine job from here.

All the best x

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20 Nov 07 #7137 by gone1
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How bad is that? I thought I would have troubles. You have to get custody mate. This is awful. Chris

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20 Nov 07 #7150 by LittleNix
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If you are not into that scene, then you are well out of it! Thank God the court saw sense about your daughter. Makes my seperation angst (not anymore) pale into insignificance!

Good luck and stay strong for you and your daughter

Nix

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20 Nov 07 #7158 by pink
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I fully agree with what others have said before me! You've GOT to follow your head and your heart! Your daughter will thank you for it one day!

I find it truly upsetting when the person you think you're going to spend the rest of your life with, turns into someone you don't even recognise! True colours eh!?! I'm finally seeing my soon 2bx's true colours and I don't like them! They scare me!

Anyway, I wish you lots of love and happiness for the future! (both you and your daughter!) We're all here for you! Send me a message if you ever want to rant!

Squeezy hugs,

Jo xxxx

  • attilladahun
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20 Nov 07 #7161 by attilladahun
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There is a danger here of things getting out of hand.
Analyse..
1. Marriage sadly over -you can't make her love you
2. The child needs both of you.
3. Just because she has an alternative lifestyle most would not agree with as long as the child is protected it really should not be an issue only if you let it.

There is always the risk that you let it because either you are angry / dissapointed etc the marriage is over.

4. Is there really any need to seek a Residence Order -it is really very destructive.

As a divoce lawyer of 30 years + I would seriosly think you should both see a trained lawyer mediator to sort these issues out.

Under the Children Act 1989 the Court should NOT make an order unless it is necesary. I would negotiate some ground rules with the mediator so BOTH parties know what should be expected of them viz a viz the child.

5 Always remember it is your divorce not the childs so telling the child about mum's lifestyle etc is as bad abuse as the what you seek to protect the child from.

6. Ineviteable divorce has financial implications - the mediators fees may even be free if you qualify for legal aid.

7. Child matters are best dealt within mediation not Court

8 Remember you will have to have a working relationship with your spouse until the child leaves university SO do not make communication difficult by taking an entrenched or possibly a moralistic view.

9. A relationship for the child with BOTH parents and their extended families is the RIGHT of the child not that of the parties.

10 Always ask the Question --what is best for the child?

11. It is very important the child does not lose respect for the other spouse

12 It is tough when one has been let down / betrayed etc not to take out that anger in one's actions- This is what being a good parent is all about eg letting your spouse see the child regularly even though you may ant to punish the other etc.

13. Remember marriage guidance can often help both parties separate and divorce they are not just there to facilitate a reconcilliation

14. Often parties need counselling and help to get through this difficult time.

15 It is bad enough to lose a partner without the dire £ consequences of lenghty litigation which will cost you ALL.

What would be better - an inexpensive settlement negotiated in a neutral atmosphere or make both you and your wife spend such little capital you have.

Remember for every £1 spent you will pay £3 ultimately when you have to borrow more £ on mortgage because of the capital you both spend upon legal costs.

We settled a potntially complex case swiftly one day when the one thing the parties readily agreed was the kids and parties would BOTH benefit from a holiday abroad rather that pay my fees to Keep me in a manner which I am accustomed!!

....Falls off soapbox...

What makes us Humans amazing is how we have the wisdom and sense to overcome trajedy and disapointment.

We can on occasions cause those we love accute harm and hardship.

Go on show your spouse you have real "bottle" and swallow pride for your child's sake and reach a fair settlement - as you both will need accomodation where the child will enjoy staying contact and a home.

Why not agree Joint Residence -it does n't necessarily mean the child spends 50% of the time with you both -it can be flexible.

Do hope things improve and work out for you both.

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