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He's left but not told me why.

  • Puzzled01
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10 Nov 07 #6345 by Puzzled01
Topic started by Puzzled01
My husband left me quite sudenly 8 1/2 weeks ago when I found out he had been having an affair, (for 2 months - with his deputy at work) and we had just been on holiday with her! I have started divorce proceedings because he said he was leaving me for her, but other than a couple of texts to tell me when he was moving out of our home, and a couple of emails about our finances, I have heard almost nothing from him. He works about 100 metres away from me, and I have seen him in restaurants and pubs from time to time, but I try to avoid it. He has made absolutely no effort to tell me anything, and I'm very hurt and baffled. It feels like he has forgotten about me. Has he just run away from the situation like a coward?

  • loobyloo
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11 Nov 07 #6352 by loobyloo
Reply from loobyloo
Hey puzzled
really sorry what a b,,,,,d. Get yourself fo sol girl. How long married, any children?
My x2b dosent even email us i have his 2 kids too 8 and 10 think human race odd at times
good luck it will get better.. eventually.. my fave saying "onwards and upwards"
looby x

  • voyaager
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11 Nov 07 #6354 by voyaager
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Hi Puzzled,

My heart goes out to you.

Your husband should know that answers to your questions would help you bring closure to the relationship. Clearly it would be very uncomfortable for him to answer the questions you have. Could it be that he is frightened that it might be more than uncomfortable? Have your tried writing to him along the lines that you accept that he has gone but the lack of an explanation of why is troubling you and that he would be helping you bring closure to the relationship and get on with your life if he would tell you what went wrong. It may be that he avoids you because he doesn’t have a good answer. It may be that he is frightened of your response. If you could find the words to convince him that the exchange will be without emotion you might be more likely to get his cooperation.

Outside of that, is there perhaps a third party that could ask the questions and get the answers for you?

Sometimes there just aren’t any answers or any answers that make any sense. I left my wife because I was she put me under cruel and extreme pressure. She asks me why I left, driving 100 miles south to sit here alone. I give her the answer and she doesn’t hear me, she keeps asking the same question and I keep giving her the same answer!



  • scottishlady
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11 Nov 07 #6358 by scottishlady
Reply from scottishlady
I sympathise totally with your situation..... it's awful, I know...
Threeish months ago, my husband walked out of the door - I haven't seen him since....
No explanation..... no discussion.....
As far as I was aware, we were perfectly happy.....
A lot of things have come to light since then.... but that's another story...
I think voyaagers answer makes sense....in that... if you need answers.. you should try to 'communicate' with him somehow...
I still don't know where 'we' went wrong.... I think I probably never will.... the 'sore' point with me, is that, after twenty years together, I think I 'deserved' a little more consideration... the outcome would probably have been the same (he'd been having an affair)... but I think if he'd had the b**ls to actually TELL me he was leaving me, it would have been a lot 'easier' to take....
Personally... I don't think I will ever 'get an explanation'.... and to be honest, three months on, I don't really need one....
Give yourself time (easier said than done, I know)....
I hope that somehow, you can make sense of all this.... it's a 'rocky path' for sure....
With kindest wishes

  • Puzzled01
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11 Nov 07 #6392 by Puzzled01
Reply from Puzzled01
Thanks for the replies - it's good to hear from people in the same boat. Isn't it awful that we have to do this though!
We have no children (fortunatly), and I do have a lovely cat for company, but we work in a very small, tight-knit industry, and everyone knows about us. A lot of my friends are working with either him or her and a lot of them are torn between us.I just hope it gets better. At the moment I have absolutely no good memories of our 12 years together. I just have to remember to breathe in and out...
I suspect that as you say, at some point I will have to talk to him (maybe via a third party - good idea) just to get some closure. Things just keep going round and round in my head, and I'm constantly running those 'What if' conversations.
As you say Scottish Lady, it's the way we have been treated that hurts most. I can acccept that he fell in love with someone else, but that he treated me so badly, and with so little regard for my feelings makes me feel totally worthless. It is good to be in touch with people who understand - thanks.

  • Sera
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11 Nov 07 #6417 by Sera
Reply from Sera
Puzzled01 wrote:

it's the way we have been treated that hurts most. I can acccept that he fell in love with someone else...

He's just a coward; like mine, lead by his dick!

Anyway, be re-assured; that in a few months time, (like me and Scottish-Lady) you don't actually care any more. Life will be better without them!

However; be re-assured that he might think he's in love; but he'll be no more emotionally 'there' for her, than he was for you.

Stick around with us lot in the same boat. :)We'll steer you through the Divorce Hell process.

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