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A one-sided divorce. Now what?

  • Tamba
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19 Nov 07 #6996 by Tamba
Topic started by Tamba
After an unhappy marriage, I have finally decided I want 'out' of it. My husband has never been violent or aggressive etc,and he has not had an afair just a workaholic who has never really known how to love.

At 34 years old I want a fresh start. I am so unhappy being like a single mum in a loveless marriage.

I finally gave the news on saturday night and after a long tearful exchange, on Sunday it was like I had said nothing. My husband made me breakfast in bed, bought me flowers, took the kids out etc...

Now I feel so confused. I have been trying to tell him I want a Divorce since July, but it does not seemed to have sunk in.

I do not want to hurt him or take his money. I just want an amicable split and to get on with my life without him. We have 2 young children (7 and 3) and I will never stop him seeing them.

Now what do I do? I thought once I told him, we would cry and shout and then move on, but I did not expect this. I don't want a solicitors letter to drop on his lap, I had hoped we could talk it though and come to a conclusion...

Please give me your thoughts?

  • loobyloo
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19 Nov 07 #7008 by loobyloo
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Tamba
wow was like reading my own life
I too was in loveless marriage workaholic and was always flying solo
He also kept all money secret too (be surprised what you find out after)
I tried 4 years ago .. he promised to change.. and four years downt the line guess what...im getting divorced.
I told him and he didnt try to stop me or move out when asked. I up sticks 200 miles with kids to start fresh life. He has been a swine he ignores kids not seen or spoken to them since august he withholds info re finances and all going through courts.
My point is they happily tick along house run like clockwork etc etc (obviously there where other issues that i used in petition, which was uncontested.
My kids are 8 and 10 they have settled and happy. You must do whats right for you or youll get to rock bottom and prob years down line end up in same situation again...your too young to be miserable
think hard and be strong
(hes not a doctor is he?)
looby xxx

  • MuthaHubbard
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20 Nov 07 #7159 by MuthaHubbard
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Wow, scarily this is exactly my current situation (age, wanting an amicable split), except my children are slightly older (12 and 5).

I told him months ago that I was so unhappy I was prepared to leave, and his response was to say no-one was leaving and has proceeded to return his head to the sand it's been in for a couple of years. He has also stated that he will never leave his children.

Other than change the locks or leave (without children to start with or with joint custody - whatever is best for them) I am also unsure what to do, so will read replies with interest.

Sorry for hijacking thread!

  • topaz
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21 Nov 07 #7166 by topaz
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it probably suits him fine for things to just carry on as they are, you're the unhappy one not him.this is identical to my situation.I was unhappy in my thirties,fourties and now my fifties.30 years wasted before finally getting a divorce, now got my decree waiting to sort out anc relief.I wish I'd done it years ago when I had my life ahead of me.I didn't know then what I do now about divorce,plus staying for the kid's sake was not a good thing given what I know now.my kids ,now adult were totally aware all along that I was unhappy in the marriage.Anyway better late than never in my case.I too felt like a single mum and now I wished I'd taken the steps to divorce a long long time ago, it would have been better for me and the kids.By the way we are both still in the marital home until finances are resolved.He wouldn't leave and I've managed to cope with everything so far by being very positive and keeping out of his way.I wish you luck in making the decision that is right for you .Only you can decide,we can offer you a glimpse into our lives but only you can decide which route yours will follow.

  • gone1
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21 Nov 07 #7193 by gone1
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Tamba. Somethings are best said in a letter. Try and write one. He probably is in shock. I know I would be and I cant think of anyone that wouldn't. It takes a while to sink in. The temptation is to back this up with more talk to hammer the point home. I would resist for a while. Divorce and so on is a massive change to his and your lives. Everything you have and everything you know will be turned on its head. It takes a while to understand this.


He probably thinks he is providing for you in the best way he can by working hard and keeping a roof over your head. I am not trying to put you off. I can see you have made up your mind and you may be the kind of person that once they have made there mind up thats that.

Just one thing before enough.

Divorce is a shite horrible place to be. What starts out as a nice roses round the door sep and divorce can turn into a nuclear exchange at dawn. Just be mindful of this. Divorce is total and absolute failure. Its not a new start at all. That comes after failure when U have to search thru the wreckage. Just be absoluty bloody certain that this is what you want. There has been many a fair maiden that has crossed this divorce line and once crossed you cant go back. Right enough. Chris.

  • Kaye09
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21 Nov 07 #7198 by Kaye09
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Since leaving my husband I can't help but think that the last four years have been a complete waste of time. I just get an overwhelming sense of relief that it wasn't 10 years, 20...30... .

I do feel totally responsible though. Its the fact that you're the one 'inflicting' this. Or it was for me. But as time passes I just get increasingly sure that I've done the right thing. It is hard...damn difficult. But it ought to be.

Regardless of any worries about regrets you need to make yourself heard one way or another. He cannot listen to you explain how unhappy you are and then gloss over it with grand gestures that don't really mean anything at the end of the day.

In my mind and heart I had already moved on before going to marriage guidance in a vein attempt to convince myself there was still something there. I needed to know I'd ticked a list of boxes so that when I left I wouldn't look back. How half hearted does that sound? Im obviously keeping it as brief as possible, but thats basically it.

This is your life and you only get one of them. You need to make him hear you.

  • soulmanuk
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21 Nov 07 #7201 by soulmanuk
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you have told your partners that you are unhappy. mine told everybody she was happy with me and the kids, then left a note a week later saying 'left you' never to been seen again

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