Hi, I left my H nearly three months ago...we are both resigned to the fact the marriage is over although he wishes we had never got to this point.
He has told me that when the time comes to divorce he wants to be the petitioner, and that if I go ahead before hand he will contest it and make sure it takes ages/ runs up solicitor's bills etc.
It could be straightforward, as divorces go. We have already seperated our finances and do not have any children or property. Really we could do it with minimum fuss.
We had been talking about staying friends, yet he comes out with this threat about making things hard. When I asked him what he would put down as his reason for divorcing me he said he would 'make something up'.
Seperately he has accused me of aborting his baby (Ive never been pregnant), he threatens to refuse me access to the house (which I am still paying rent on)he has phoned the woman Im staying with - a friends mum - and told her he is going to come round and give her 'what for'...whatever that means.
Part of me thinks, fair enough, I can wait for him to petition, but I think that he is placing too much weight on it like its an element of control. His behavior is off the scale and because of this I am feeling very nervous...and eager to just go for it and call his bluff.
The last five times we have spoken I have been screamed at... '****ing stupid' etc. Since I left he has told me he's been diagnosed with a form of bowel cancer. He had been told to be positive because it would definately be curable and not return, despite this he broke the news to me by telling me he was 'dying' and then hanging up and turning his phone off. Then after an argument one morning where he'd called me a bitch, a hateful woman and threatened to come round and give me 'what you need to sort you out' I was ignoring his calls, so he sent me a text message saying he would refuse his cancer treatment if I didn't speak to him.
He has lost all perspective and its actually quite frightening at times. I know he is in a mess because I left and he has been worried about his health, but I am itching to just get the paperwork done.
My choices are as follows. File and ignore the fact that its crappy timing up to christmas...he'll either put up or shut up and there won't be any hold over me any more...or, Wait, let him (hopefully) get it out of his system and give him a bit of influence over events which might actually help him cope.
Any other ideas would be greatfully recieved.
I thought I was doing quite well at being patient and trying to take his feelings into consideration. Obviously I have been very very wrong.
Anger often features in divorce and I think it's worth remembering anger is usually a secondary emotion to the feelings of hurt, fear, humiliation, loss, abandonment, and powerlessness.
Simply allowing someone to come to terms with the emotional realities can often result in substantial progress being made, as they begin to let go of the relationship and accept the necessity of obtaining information and making good decisions about the issues which need to be resolved.
I didn't think that data for the gender of petitioners was collected. According to the latest annual figures available from the Office of National Statistics divorce was granted to women in 69% of cases so there seems some discrepancy.