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  • adenuff
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22 Nov 07 #7343 by adenuff
Topic started by adenuff
well here goes.in sept my wife said she wants to end our marriage(23years).i knew there where a few problems but nothing that could not be overcome.i still love her dearly but she said she wants her own life and space.99%sure noone else involved.she wants a divorce on grounds of unreas behaviour,no relate no mediation.but i aint unreasonable.we have 2 boys, one aged 18 and one aged 16,both in fulltime work.house has 200k of equity and 60k mortgage.i take home £1650 pm,she takes home about£900pm.i pay all household bills.both living in house at moment although she wants me to leave.we have £35,ooo in bank which is my inheritance but she wants it to go halves so she can buy a car,and about £10 k has been spent doing up the house.things are a bit uncomfortable at the moment but i am trying to keep it as friendly as poss.she is still cooking for me at the moment.she says she has been to see a sol who advised her the split of equity will be 70/30 in her favour but she will be happy with 60/40.when i said i would seek advice she said well if i wanted to go down that road she would take me for all she could get.i am reluctant to split inheritance because my grandparents left it to me after workin hard all there lives.

very scared of moving to a place of my own,feeling lonely and isolated enough as it is.neither of us would be able to afford another place to buy round here.at age 47 do you think i am to old to start the dating game again?can anyone tell me approx what i would be likely to come out of this mess with?
pretty lonely at the moment.i work fri,sat,sun to fit in with her job and no real friends or family close by.
any comments appreciated.thanks

  • OBEs 1 canoodly
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22 Nov 07 #7352 by OBEs 1 canoodly
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Hi yer Adenuff!!

Well its the usual threat from a woman thinking she is going to take you to the cleaners we've all heard it a million times and it is usually put in their heads by solicitors touting for business......however you will be pleased to know that it is not always the case.

First and foremost divorce is based on "no fault" the courts don't want to know who did what to who. You can apply on several grounds. Unfortunately because you are still living together if you wanted the divorce immediately it would either have to be Adultery or Unreasonable Behaviour.

I won't go on too much because this isn't really my area of expertise and mostly I am going on my own experience.

You say you are 47 - this is NOT OLD!!! With an equity of £200,000 and your inheritance of £35,000 (which I am sorry to say will all get taken into consideration I'm afraid as I am assuming this was a lengthy marriage) I feel you could both move on and buy two new properties with a small mortgage each. Your children are of an age where they are not particularly dependant on you both any more so I cannot see reason here for her to "take you to the cleaners" or to even expect 70/30 unless she is incapable of working. The starting point is 50/50 (huh if you believe that you'll believe anything!! anyway it is) Everything must go in the pot and then the court will make considerations based on your age and working ability and the ability to raise a mortgage if necessary.

May I ask how old your wife is if that is not to rude.......the reason I ask is that I am wondering whether she may be in the onset of menopause?? I'm afraid when the children don't need their mum quite so much anymore it is a bit of a wake up call and as the hormones start to whizz round (and boy do they whizz!) this causes upset in the brain and can really do strange things to a woman - look even we can't understand what happens to us let alone asking a man to understand!!

Anyway, I want you to consider that she may all of a sudden want to find herself and doesn't particularly want you in her life while she does this. It happened to me and has happened to a lot of other women and will continue to happen whilst women have hormones and their babies grow up and leave!!

Why don't you try giving her some space for a while then take her out for a nice meal somewhere on neutral ground and not at home where there are memories and try to talk to her.

Don't go down this divorce path if it is not necessary. Its a horrible negative place to be! Try reading up on menopause, try to understand it more, then talk to her......be careful though women hate to admit the big M word is upon them........

..........if you need to talk to me more personally you may Private Message me - I really do not mind....

Kind regards and keep smiling ~ its not all bad!

OBEs 1

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22 Nov 07 #7355 by Specialdad
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Whatever you do ade dont move out.

You will lose a roof over your head and it will make settling that much harder.

I agree with obe that menopause and mid life crises can play a part, but hang in there and seek legal advice to cover yourself.

Dont worry about that 70/30 nonsense as the kids are grown and you both will need enough equity to start again.

Lets hope she calms down for both your sakes. B)

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22 Nov 07 #7356 by adenuff
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hello.my wife is 44,i have mentioned the m word befor and she went ballistic.trouble is round here a 1 bedroom flat is £150,000.not sure if i move out weather i can afford to rent and pay mort and endowments on this house.really struggling with getting my head round everything at moment.suppose i am burying my head.

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22 Nov 07 #7357 by adenuff
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thanks for that mate

  • ToxieDogg
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22 Nov 07 #7359 by ToxieDogg
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I feel for you, I really do.

Are you sure there's nobody else involved? After all, that's what my STBX told me, even swore to her own mother that there was nobody else but lo and behold, a month down the line and a quick check of the emails later and the truth is out. Not that I'm suggesting that you go straight to her emails, my missus gave me a heck of a lot of reasons to suspect her before I turned detective.

But back to the main story, I'm certainly no expert (all this is brand new to me too) but I can't see how she's been advised that she'd get a 70-30 split in her favour? Particularly if both your sons are in full time work and one's an adult anyway. And 'offering' you a 60-40 split doesn't seem much better either, seems a bit eager to get her hands on your money to be honest. What exactly about your behaviour is so unreasonable? She's still cooking for you though? Something doesn't smell right here.

Incidentally, I know it's easy of me to say at 30 years of age that you're not too old to get back into the dating game but really, you're not. When I first had the bomb dropped on me (I'll always remember October 10th 2007....) I immediately felt like the lonliest person in the world.....at the moment I'm stuck in Oxfordshire (moved here for her, more fool me!) and all my friends and family are back in Liverpool. But try and be brave....don't be scared to tell people what's going on in your life. I was pretty much ashamed to even tell my family for a week and a half, let alone the people I work with but I have been shown an unbelievable amount of love and support by most people who know me, my family are all working on getting me a place ready to move back to when I leave here in January and I feel like I do have something to look forward to and my life is actually worth living.

And do keep posting on forums like this, you'd be surprised how many people are in the same boat. For all you know, somebody living just down the road from you could be going through exactly the same thing but they'd just never tell you.

Best wishes and good luck to you.

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22 Nov 07 #7367 by Specialdad
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Toxie is right.

So many of us are going very similiar things as you that it surprises me that anyone is in a stable relationship.

I think a lot of ppl dont disclose anything even to their nearest and dearest.

It ceratinly makes you aware of the lack of trust and watch your back becomes a permanent watch word.

All I can say is if you are feeling bad I bet its not as bad as the English Football feels this morning!!!! B)

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