Wow I hit a nerve there mentioning the big M word eh??
What I was trying to say is that when the big M hits it is more the chemical effect that the hormones have on the brain that can change a womens mood. This can start to happen from around the age of 38 onwards although doctors won't always tell you this!!
The chemical reaction it creates can have the effect of feeling worthless and not particularly good about yourself. You start to find it more difficult to find clothes to suit because what used to look good starts to look stupid now and you kind of lose sight of yourself. If you haven't been there don't knock it because it happens to the most confident of women of that I can assure you!!!!
I agree when the responsibilites of marriage and motherhood have taken over a womans life its an odd feeling when the kids have grown up and don't seem to need her quite as much anymore and there is suddenly this odd moment where there is just you and the man you married and it can feel like a void....you can wake up next to him one morning and just out of the blue wonder what the hell you ever saw in him, he just seems like a complete stranger and from that point the mind can go into complete turmoil as you panic and realise your life is running out (it's not, but it feels like that) and there are so many things you feel you have missed, things you need to do, for you.
By this stage of the marriage the male is completely oblivious because in many ways their lives never really change much during. I really don't mean that in a detrimental way to men 'cos I know there are some great guys out there that do muck in and help, but for a woman, giving birth, running a home, being a mother, still being a sex goddess/lover, well, its all a bit alien really and yet we are supposed to take to it like a duck to water??
No one really prepares us for any of that we are just supposed to do it naturally...some women are brilliant, others struggle but all of us feel like we've missed out when we wake up one day and find ourselves on the other side of 40 and want to start living again and by this time the man is so comfy with his home life, slippers and remote control in hand, horizontal on the sofa but then he has probably slipped into this during the period he was being ignored by everyone!! Men do have problems too - we gal's get so wrapped up in the kids the men do get forgotten!!!
Oooooh we aint arf a difficult lot to understand eh?
Regards to you all we've all contributed at least some half decent advice about the why's and wherefore's but will never truly know the reasons for each individuals own case or feelings! We can only but give support!
Whilst you remain in there you still have your rights, however once you leave you start to lose your rights slowly but surely because once you put another roof over your head (regardless of whether or not you can afford it) you will be seen to have your "needs" met and thats where the courts have to decide whether by selling the house and giving 50/50 would give your wife enough to set up another home. Now if your "needs" are met by renting thats when they could award her more if they feel the equity wasn't enough therefore you would get less because you already have a rented roof over your head. so the 60/40 or 70/30 or even 100% in her favour at the worst scenario comes into effect. Are you still with me?
Now, if you stay put because you cannot afford to rent then the court (if it gets that far) will have to award fairly and equally to be able to re-house you both! This should then balance out at 50/50!!!
I do hope that makes sense. My partners friends said he got less because we bought a house together and that he should have stayed in his caravan. I worried that this had been a big mistake too but our barrister told us it would have made no difference because the courts would have still seen a caravan as being a roof over his head! He told us the only way OBE (Old Blue Eyes for you newbies on here) would have got more was if he had stayed in the marital home!!!
SO IN THE WORDS OF A £1,000 A MORNING BARRISTER - (BUT TO YOU - FREE WITH OUR COMPLIMENTS) DON'T MOVE OUT!!!!!!!!
If she wants the divorce, let her move out! Why should you?? You didn't ask for the divorce - she did!
Good Luck and kind ones as the infamous Louise would say!
If one or others needs are met they look towards the one who is left in the house and unfortunately if there is not enough equity to divide equally they will usually go towards the one who is left in the house by either keeping them there or giving them the lion's share to enable them to buy somewhere else if a sale is ordered. This is because the other has moved out and by doing so has proved they can meet their needs!!! Unfair? You bet! This is why most solicitors will advise you not to move out if you can possibly help it.
We know, we've been there!
Courts don't want to know the back ground, the cause or who did what to who they are just there to settle the finances and make sure the kids are ok!
Oh and by the way I eat healthily as many women do and am not a dried up old prune - he he he!! However, whichever way you look at it in a western world diet the big M will get you in one way or another - some notice, some don't! Bring on the Soya now!!!
In the grander scale of things it doesn't really matter why someone wants to divorce. A marriage takes the commitment of two people so if one party calls it a day it's the end of the relationship. It's then in everyone's interest to begin to let go and accept the necessity of obtaining information and making good decisions about the issues which need to be resolved.
In England&Wales 'unreasonable' behaviour is often used to prove the marriage has broken down because people don't want to wait two years and/or they can't apply to finalise the settlement until after the petition for divorce has been presented to the court so don't take the citation of unreasonable behaviour too personally.
Threats like taking someone to the cleaners or the diametrically opposite position, the higher earner threatening to withhold financial support, are not gender specific or uncommon. Most people going through a divorce do/say things of which they aren't proud and it's best not to react. The general legal advice is to remain in the home until the finances are resolved but, depending on individual circumstances, it doesn't necessarily make much difference.
In determining finances it's the overall picture that's important and factors under consideration are the welfare of the children, your ages, the duration of the marriage, the contributions made by each party, the financial resources and financial needs of both parties.
The starting point for dividing assets is 50:50, unless there is good reason to depart from this. Your wife's good reason might be she has sacrificed some of her career and as she earns less she needs more equity to put her on a similar financial footing. Therefore a 60:40 split of the equity is probably fair and a proposal of dividing equity 70:30 to open negotiations doesn't sound unreasonable. Remember the difference in the overall ratio will be less when all the assets (including pensions) have been accounted for.
Future family relationships are important and I think it's very wise to keep things as civil as possible. Don't let others ratchet up a sense of grievance. Perhaps you should contemplate counseling to help deal with the emotions and keeping them separate from the business of divorce. Incidentally, my ex was 50 when we separated and initially he took in a lodger for company. He's now in relationship number 2!
Bless you for telling these people that once a relationship is over its over!!
Come on, we are not just on here to discuss marriage being over surely?? Most of what I have advised Ade is the probability that his wife possibly doesn't even understand herself why she is feeling the way she is!!
Is it not good to advise them both to step back, give each other a bit of space to calm down and try to put the pieces back together before rushing into divorce???
He only just got told recently so why should he begin to let go??? Surely he should try??? My ex didn't try he just thought I would go off, get whatever I needed to get out of my system and that I would be back!!! I got the wrong message from that I thought he didn't want me back so I left.....for good!! Then I find out he still loves me but is too bloody stubborn to tell me!!!
Sometimes when a relationship has lost that little bit of magic one of us takes the bull by the horns and threatens the other to try to put some spark back into them to wake them up to the fact that they have become complacent. Isn't it just possible that Ade's wife has done this??? Isn't it possible she might just want him to do a bit of chasing?? Let's face it that is the most exciting part of a relationship.....can any of us actually remember the chase??? Fantastic!!!
*********The general legal advice is to remain in the home until the finances are resolved but, depending on individual circumstances, it doesn't necessarily make much difference*********
Can I just correct you there Fi? It makes a huge amount of difference where there is not enough equity and that is what Ade is worried about!!
If ADE moves out of his home and rents somewhere his needs are met! OBE lived in a very cold caravan whilst continuing to pay the mortgage on his former home. He thought by doing this that he would get 50/50. His health was suffering by living there. We eventually found somewhere together. I realised after that, by helping to put a decent warmer roof over his head that I had lowered his chances of 50/50 to the dreaded 100% his ex was fighting for in exchange for his very very small pension. This really started to worry me terrribly that I would be the reason he would lose everything he had ever worked for.
However, as I mentioned in my previous post, the Barrister assured us that the case would have been no different if OBE had a)never met me and b) remained in his caravan because he still would have been deemed to have a roof over his head and that he would have been requesting his wife to be put out of her home so that he could have his share and that the courts would not have looked kindly on this.
He often wondered why he had been advised by three different solicitors to remain in his home at all costs but never fully explained the reason. It was his Barrister who eventually explained it in no uncertain terms and also agreed he should have stayed put because that way the courts would have had to make sure they were both equally housed. He may still have come out with slightly less but certainly not with the pittance he ended up with!!
ADE please, no matter what, don't move out if you can help it, I realise it will be difficult but sometimes that in itself can help too. The more uncomfortable it becomes the more your wife (if she is genuinely serious about ending this) will be more co-operative because she will want out as quickly as possible!
If you move out she will be sitting on her fortune because she can then be as difficult and as manipulative as she wants for as long as she wants!!!
Still who am I to say....lets face it I have only seen this scenario at first hand!!!
Sorry, if someone says they want a divorce, no Relate or mediation and consults a solicitor it's clear then that a point of inevitability has been reached, a point when the person has emotionally removed themselves from the marriage. Typically, the actions of a 'leaver' are framed as a temporary upset (or insanity), a mid-life crisis, or giving up too easily but emotionally the decision to leave was taken some time back, probably over several months or even years. Experience tells us that efforts at this point to rehabilitate the marriage would mostly be ritual and face-saving.
I stand by what I said, the general legal advice is to remain in the home until the finances are resolved but, depending on individual circumstances, it doesn't necessarily make much difference. We don't know the full circumstances here. This thread follows another about the finances, hence the whole story. In the first thread there was mention of endowments so depending on their value with equity of £200k + £35k inheritance moving out might not make that much difference to the capital division. What definitely would be a problem is affording to run two homes in the interim.