Hi Guys, this is my first posting so please be gentle with me - lol!!
I've been married for 10 years now but for the past 2 years or so I have felt increasingly distant towards my wife to such an extent that I no longer feel that I want to be married anymore. There is nothing specific that I can say has been the catalyst to my feelings..no other woman/no traumatic event in my life.. its just that I've realised that Iam fast approaching 40,life is passing me by and I'm stuck in a marital rut..dont get me wrong, my wife isn't a bad person by any stretch, its just that my wants and needs have changed and I see no other option than going solo without her - Call it an early male mid-life crisis or whatever!
I've spoken to her about my feelings around 3-4 mths ago & she said we should work thru our differences and move forward..to be honest my mind was made up already but it was just the case that I didn't have the bottle to tell her. Thankfully there are no children involved. She still thinks things are getting better between us and are on-track whereas I feel at the lowest ebb i've been for years.
I'm interested in hearing other peoples experiences & when they realised that things had to change.
although my situation isn't exactly there are some things that are...
when I told my soon to be ex I wanted to leave it was Christmas two years ago. Altough I had strayed a bit, at the time it wasn't that serious (it is now, but that's another story) Either way, I knew i wasn't happy with my the way things were in the marriage. so the husband and I talked about things, and said what we wanted to change, what would be done differently and I agreed to stay; I didn't have the courage to actually go and I told myself it was because I felt I should have given him a chance to make things work.
needless to say less than a month later things were back to how they were and things became very difficult between us. I finally left him the following July. again, when I told him I wanted to go it was all tears and "I'll change" but he hadn't the first time, so why would it be any different? I didn't love him, and I almost didn't like him. to stay living with him just seemed so utterly wrong; how could either of us stand a chance at being happy if we were stuck in a relationship where we were both making the other miserable.
I don't think he sees it like that, but fortunately we don't have children and we are fortunate that we can be selfish to ourselves...
I should have left him the first Christmas - dragging it out was a mistake and left us both very unhappy, but at the time I didn't have the courage. If you know in your heart and in your head that it's what is going to be right for you - and ultimately for your spouse, then in my opinion it's the right thing to do...there's nothing worse than being with someone who isn't happy...
I hope you get things sorted out soon - it's very easy to get carried along with someone else's enthusiasm so as long as you know what you want to do, you'll be OK...
A difficulty is there are no rules. The over riding thought is that you marry for life. I knew a long time ago it was wrong . Perhaps the fear of stepping out and facing all the trouble that divorce brings and still not knowing what will make you happy holds us back. It perhaps is about balance and quality.
When one person wants out there is no real point in fighting, that much I have learned of late.
My first marriage was a non-starter after I had my Son, my X gave up work and slouched on the sofa all day every day but equally never helped out with our child or housework either, I had my Daughter a year later and nothing was changing, he wanted to know where I was, who I was with, what I was talking about, etc etc etc….
I wanted out and told him so, but It took me another 4 years to get the courage back up after the initial ‘chat’ to tell him it was over, reason? Cause he made up everything to keep me with him, including faking his mugging which I had to make a statement to the police (CID) about the possible reason why-they already knew he was lying.
He is still a lying, snivelling, greedy little toad living in a run down council house in a bad bad area (which I hate the kids having to go) and I am so glad I am out of it, I might be currently homeless after another bad mistake but at least I have my sanity and I believe a better lifestyle than him, my children rarely go without even though I have never had a penny maintenance, and I can hold my head high and say I did my best for them.