"Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole."
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Wedding dress, size 12.
Worn once by mistake.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
"I'm a big opponent of divorce. Why leave the nut you got for one you don't know?"
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
The woman applying for a job in a lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
A guy slices his ball in the woods and goes in to look for it. He meets a girl from the next fairway looking for her ball. They start to chat and have a wonderful little conversation. She suddenly says to him, " You know... you look like my third husband.
"He says, "Oh yeah?", and then asks her how many times she's been married.
"Twice," she replies.