Divorce jokes

love number 3 callum...very funny...she's the woman i'd love to be...ignorance is bliss!!!!

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honour, when I put a pound in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"

CURTAIN RODS---- PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted
on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few
half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain
rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with
his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set
off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in
the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place.


The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.


He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said
that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if
she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Q: Why do divorced men get married again?
A: Bad memory.

Since divorcing i have lost 10 stone of ugly fat, his name is Darren!!

Hi, joint site today & been feeling glum! Read your jokes and now im smiling again! Excellent!

Latest toy flying out of the shops this Christmas - The new 'divorced' Barbie doll - She comes with a full range of her own accessories, and Ken's house, car, boat, dog....


The Perfect Man
Author Unknown

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love for you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He has never made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, stuff this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.