Divorce jokes

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice".

Some for the guys (no offence meant to the girls ..):

The difference between a girlfriend and a wife is about 100 lbs.
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Why do married men gain weight while single men don't?

A single man goes to the refrigerator, sees nothing that he wants, and goes to bed.

A married man goes to bed, sees nothing he wants, and goes to the refrigerator.
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And for all:

A 98 year old man and a 95 year old woman went to a lawyer to get a divorce."How long have you been married?" he asked. "75 rough and rocky years," they said. "Then, why have you waited so long to file for divorce?" They replied, "We had to wait for the kids to die!"
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The difference between Saddam Hussein & your Ex?

By comparison, Saddam's demands are very, very fair!
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An ex-spouse is like an inflamed appendix, they cause a lot of pain and suffering, but after it's removed you find you didn't need it anyway!

“The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret.” - Henny Youngman

It has been said that man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is finished.

Marriage is grand - and divorce is about ten grand

The 12 marriages!
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed!

Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?

Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

The day after the final hearing had been heard, a sol rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the hearing be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference to my client."

The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"

The sol replied, "My client has an extra £10,000, and I just found out about it!"

Hollywood Marriage & Divorce


In Hollywood they get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

The hardest thing in Hollywood is to keep the marriage a secret until the divorce leaks out.

I was invited to a Hollywood wedding. Traffic was heavy, so I got there late -- just in time for the divorce.

One Hollywood kid has good reason to be proud: at the last PTA meeting, he won the prize for having the most parents there.

One actress is very sentimental: she always gets divorced in the dress her mother was married in.

A Hollywood bride looked around as the groom put her down after carrying her across the threshold. Puzzled, the Hollywood bride said, "This place looks familiar. Have we been married before?".