Divorce jokes

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house. The husband calls his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband’s 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he is still there.

here were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
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No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save theirs, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving into men, and that after all, men were the superior sex and must be saved.

When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.
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Crossing the river One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing t he boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river."

And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new holiday home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

ok nothing to do with divorce but found it funny

One winter evening after the usual pub Christmas partys
A Chav gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her:
Can we have sex ?"
No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She then stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the Chav and says :
I can tell you how to get to have sex with her !"
Yeah ?", says the Chav.
Yeah", says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is get dressed up in a Santa outfit, beard, robe and all that, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be sent from God"
The Chav decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
'I am sent God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face, "You must have sex with me"
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'Santa' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and whips off his hood and beard with a flourish.
Ha-ha!," he cries. "I am the Chav!"
Ha-ha!," cries the nun with a big smile. "I am the bus driver "

Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends Up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".

God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"

I asked my xtb what she wanted for Christmas and she said, "I don't know.... get me something unusual and exotic that I don't really need". So I booked her on a course of chemotherapy.


Apologies to Emo Philips.

An elderly man calls his son in and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I
are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about," the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this,
so you call your sister in and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts.
I'll take care of this."
She calls immediately, and screams at the old man,
"You are NOT getting divorced!
Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow.
Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"
And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife.
"They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

The only difference between marriage and prison is that at least prisoners occasionally get to finish a sentence.