Divorce jokes

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less than a year later he went to a sol to file for a divorce.

"Why do you want a divorce?" the sol asked.

"Well every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the sol said.

"Exactly, That's why I want the divorce!"

Jill went to the bank and applied for a loan. "I want a loan, I'm going to divorce my husband."
"Oh, we don't give loans for divorces" the manager says, "We make loans for appliances, cars, businesses, home improvements...."
Jill interrupts and says, "Well, this is certainly a 'Home Improvement"

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.


"So, how is everything going?" enquired God.


"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.


"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.


Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.


"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, " But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?"

She was in the kitchen preparing two soft boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; she turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer is broken."

Jack is telling his friends about his recent divorce.
"Yeah, she divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any."

Ex Husband and ex wife face each other over a final hearing.

The judge gives his judgement. The Ex husband turns to the ex wife and says

"I wish you had screwed me this much when we were married"

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them
"Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says
"Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said,
"Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and
he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved
again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into
a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said
"I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while
balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said,
"I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"