Divorce jokes

The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which
respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem.....except that the
last
line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic:
=====================================================

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife

Marrying you screwed up my life.


2. I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.


3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.


4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you because I was pissed.


5. I thought that I could love no other--

That is, until I met your brother.


6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's

empty and so is your head.


7. I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off your face.


8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn..... I'm good at telling lies!


9. My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?


10. My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe "Go to hell."


11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Spot on SD needed a good laugh this morning - can't live with em can't live without em hee hee

Spot on SD needed a good laugh this morning - can't live with em can't live without em hee hee

Very funny SD - have you been talking to my ex?

Mrs. Wilson appeared before the judge in a divorce action.
"How old are you?" asked the judge.
"Thirty-five," said Mrs. Wilson.
The judge noted her greying hair and wrinkled cheeks. "May I see your birth certificate?"
She handed the judge her birth certificate.
"Madam," he said severely, "according to this certificate you are not 35 but 50."
"Your honor," replied Mrs. Wilson, "the last 15 years I spent with my husband I'm not counting. You call that a life?"

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"



A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to London . I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year".



Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

My Ex's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!


And finally my ex keeps going to the post office every day.

Puzzled by this the man at the counter asks her, "Is something wrong, you keep coming here every day?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"