Divorce jokes

The Asda Doctor.
>
> One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
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> 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
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> 'Listen; don't waste your time down at the surgery', Mike replies.
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> 'There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and
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> the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
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> It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
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> better than a doctor and you get reward points'.
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> So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda.
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> He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
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> sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
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> Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
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> 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid
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> heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
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> That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
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> Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
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> He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine
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> samples from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture
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> for good measure. Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen.
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> He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
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> The computer prints the following:
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> 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
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> 2) your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
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> 3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
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> 4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
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> 5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....
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> Thank you for shopping at Asda

Good One broken

Who's the Boss?

As they were undressing for bed, a husband tossed his trousers to his new bride and said "Put these on"

She put them on and they were far too big.

"I cant wear your trousers" she said

"Thats right" said the husband "and dont ever forget who wears the pants around here"

With that the wife flipped her panties at him and said "Put them on"

He tried but could only get them up as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell, I cant get into your panties" he said

"Exactly and thats how its going to stay until you change your attitude" she replied.

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, 'I hate to ruin
your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough.'

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Chicago and tell her,' and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, 'Like heck
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT getting
divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother
back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO
YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,
'They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares.'