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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.

Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.

Divorce jokes

  • Camberwick green
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  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
29 Nov 07 #8120 by Camberwick green
Reply from Camberwick green
Now..... you RUN as fast as you can :lol:

  • ToxieDogg
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  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
30 Nov 07 #8144 by ToxieDogg
Reply from ToxieDogg
Rodney Dangerfield once said something like 'My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.' :laugh:

I've heard another one that goes a bit like 'They say romance is a form of chemistry....that's why my wife treats me like toxic waste.' but I don't know where it came from.

  • Specialdad
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  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
30 Nov 07 #8158 by Specialdad
Reply from Specialdad
A divorce court judge said to the husband, "Mr. Perry, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife £800 a week."

"That's very fair, your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid myself."


  • Specialdad
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  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
30 Nov 07 #8162 by Specialdad
Reply from Specialdad
Sam meets Doug at the bar after his day at the divorce court. "Did the judge split everything fairly today?" asked Doug.

Sam replies, "Sort of. She got to keep the house, the car, the boat, the furniture and the dog. I got to keep everything I was wearing."


  • loobyloo
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  • Visitor
  • Visitor
30 Nov 07 #8184 by loobyloo
Reply from loobyloo
SD cheers for the daily chuckle..... nice one bout judge tee hee shall i tell it in court on wed?
terminater looby!!!:laugh:

  • Gilly
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  • Senior Member
30 Nov 07 #8198 by Gilly
Reply from Gilly
Marriage is an institution..:silly:
Love is blind..B)
Who wants to live in an institute for the blind!!

I only did 2 things wrong in my marriage - eveything I said and everything I did...

Diamonds are a girls best friend..
Mans best friend is a dog....
Equality?? Give over..!!

  • TMax
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  • Platinum Member
30 Nov 07 #8207 by TMax
Reply from TMax
Joke 1

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.

To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked , “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the old creep dig. I had him buried upside down.

Joke 2
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”

Joke 3

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car garage and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Mrs, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does.
He said he can’t communicate with me!”

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No-Fault Divorce £179

We provide the UK's lowest cost no-fault divorce service, managed by a well respected firm of solicitors. 

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Online mediation is a convenient and inexpensive way to agree on a fair financial settlement.

Consent Order £259

This legally binding agreement defines how assets (e.g. properties and pensions) are to be divided.

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Support for people who have to go to court to get a fair divorce financial settlement without a solicitor.