help to cope with ex who wont leave

Hi I'm after a bit of advice concerning my ex2b who wont leave and is making my life hell.

Wont go into all the whys and wherefores but after 25 years of unhappiness finally plucked up the courage and told him it was over. To my surprise he seemed to go to pieces, crying, claiming he cant live without me. How could I leave the kids? (they are 21 18 and 16 so not exactly babies) how can i be so selfish? Then he threatened suicide.The next step was to completely ignore the whole thing, talking of what we would be doing next year and holidays etc. Then he got angry, accusing me of having an affair (which I'm not) Now we've gone back to the emotional blackmail - I've got to give him one more chance, (he's had loads of of 'last chances') he had no idea I was so unhappy (yeah right so all the arguments and tears mean I'm so happy).

He is refusing to move out. I think he's trying to make my life so difficult that I'll just walk out. I cant afford to leave and take the kids and I wouldnt leave them with him as he's too unpredictable.I'm just finding it all so difficult to cope with, its making me feel ill. I cant sleep, I'm getting pains in my chest and have come out with an ecxema type rash.

I would be grateful for any advice from anyone who has had to live like this

The Court can make an Occupation order under Part IV Family Law Act 1996

Ousting a spouse is a serious step but might be justifyable if serious harm is being caused to children.

It must be very upsetting to them to see their father "cracking up".

Often the key is if he has an alternative property to move to eg his parents etc.

If there is not enough evidence to proceed with that the strategy to fianlise finaces in divorce must be:

Issue divorce -on unreasonable behaviour
Issue at the same time Financial application Form A
Get your form E prepared and sworn asap and try to get H's solrs to do the same so the 1st Appointment is used as an FDR

Most cases settle at the FDR and istrict Judge will indicate his/her views on settlement and what should be done re FMH (former matrimonial home)

H may possibly if over 50 get cash for house deposit by commuting 25% of his pension and you should see how much you can raise now on your house by seeing a mortgage broker.

If H's pension is a good one you could get the hme put in your name and give H a lump sum and if the equity is large he can take a modest charge on your home which will be reapid in the future.

Hope that helps

Hi lilyrose,
For what it is worth, I can give you a male insight into my thoughts about being dumped. I was married for 15 years, together 22 and after a difficult couple of years in our lives, my wife had her 40th birthday in January this year. She told me 3 days after her birthday that our marriage was over. She told me that she had been thinking about it over 18 months and had concluded that we din't have a future together. She still loved aspects of me, but no longer found me sexually attractive.

OK - my thoughts at that time, right or wrong:
-What did I do wrong? All I have done is to work my b****ks off to provide you with a lifestyle. All you did for about 12 years was to spend it!
-Is she going through a bit of a crisis? - how can she think about splitting up? What about our 3 children? Our eldest is doing O levels this year - is the out of her mind?
-How are the children going to react? They don't want this do they? It's not fair on them
-Why did I not get to put any input into this decision? Why was it not discussed before the decision was taken?
-Why can't we try to salvage our marriage? Surely the devil you know is better than the one you don't?
-Am I so awful? What needs to change?
-How will our families and friends react? This is too awful to even think about.
-How on earth is she going to manage financially? She has no chance of earning enough money to maintain the lifestyle she has - What is she going to do?
-There MUST be someone else involved - why would she do this otherwise?

I'm sure that you could put the female interpretation on what I was thinking at that time.

As a sweeping generality, men don't see things coming, until they are hit, Tom and Jerry style, with a frying pan in the face. Men generally are resistant to change, and will try hard to avoid it. Men think logically and see something broken that just needs fixing.

You ladies do it all so differently.

Have you considered going to Relate? They don't just try to resolve marital difficulties, but can also provide counselling to help people prepare for separation and life after a relationship.

I went through denial, anger, more anger and finally acceptance. It took me 7-8 months to reach acceptance. Not bad considering my wife had plotted her exit over 18 months!

Look into the benefits that may be available to you, and you might be surprised that you CAN actually afford to take a rental for yourself and the children, if it all becomes too much.

Communication is the key. If you can get him talking, and thinking about how it will work differently in the future, you have won the battle. That's where my wife slipped up - she did lots of things behind my back and in such an antagonistic and inflammatory manner that I was bound to react very badly, and be deeply suspicious of her motives.

It's not nice - but it will get better

Mike

I was the opposite and couldn't wait to get out. I have heard people talk about reluctant exe's But I think you should give it time to sink in and he will go. Has the man no pride? I could never do that sort of thing. I have far to much pride. I wonder what the kids think of him.

My situation was I just dropped her like a hot brick when the affair was announced to me and was abused because of it. Nowt strange as folk. Hope you get this sorted. Chris.

well i have to say all the feelings mike put down were very true on my behalf to,when wife told me she wanted to be 'single'and divorce i found it so hard to get my head around,not only for me but for our kids also(9 and10).so off i go trying to fix the problems s2bx pointed out, she also did'nt help the matter by claiming she was'nt sure,we even booked a holiday to try and resolve our marradge, 3 weeks after she 1st told me she said ther was another man where seh works and i was devistated,but so she claimed they haden been sexual, this started me looking into thing as i was now suspisous of. illok at her phone n foud a txt from him claiming he woul give her time to save her marradge but he loved her so much and it was vey painful to let her go...now is that the actions of a man with just an interest? i think not.. so i tryd not to think about them and look foward to our hols but temptation got the beter of me so i looked at her phone again..this time it was VERY sexualy graphic,i froze felt so ill i was physicly sick(as i was when she 1st told me) we had a row about this 1 witch i had tryed to avoid all the way through this. anyway we still went on holiday and i thought things were looking good as she was telling kids what we could all be doing next year when we went back,thought we had tourned a corner,no sooner had we landed she stoped speaking to me,starnge i thought mabe it was jet lag...anyway went to work like no probs atall she sent me a txt saying she was going out with a friend. thought it odd but said have a nice time when she came home she told me she had been to see a sol.....where did that come from? if i had known befor hgoliday i wouldnt have bother to try and patch things up also spoke to other bloke and both he and s2bx have said they want a proper relation ship but want me out of the way 1st.... anyway all i trying to say is my sol has advised me not to move out as it would leave me in a very vunrable posistion regarding fmh and acsess to chilren untill financaes are sorted out.. no she wont even speak to me after 17years.. now realise she is not the woman whom i knew and loved. since then we have told the chilren what is going on and after a day of tears on mine and thers(none from s2bx) they understand and know how much i love them and it not my choice to leave. s2bx is now refusing to go to mediation (after 1 sesion) as she sees no point and that i shall just have to agree all she says.

As I posted recently on another thread according to the psychology of divorce this behaviour isn't uncommon.When a dissatisfied partner declares they want to leave it triggers a reaction by the other spouse, who initially may respond with denial, but also may pull back emotionally for self-protection. After denial fails to work as a way of coping, they begin to experience feelings of anguish, shock, chaos, and disbelief. During this period the party being left may try to schedule counselling to have a professional convince their spouse not to leave the marriage.

Typically, the actions of a 'leaver' are framed as a temporary upset (or insanity), a mid-life crisis, or giving up too easily but emotionally the decision to leave was taken some time back, probably over several months or even years. Experience tells us that efforts at this point to rehabilitate the marriage are mostly ritual and face-saving.

If saving the marriage fails to work threats typically follow to keep the children from the other parent, to give no financial support, and to keep the house, the business, and all the assets or even to commit/attempt suicide (tho' self preservation wins over). It's important to recognize that anger, as manifested in threats of all kinds, is most often a secondary emotion. That is, it is a feeling that covers up more primary feelings of hurt, fear, humiliation, loss, abandonment, and powerlessness. Without knowing this fact, it is easy for disputes to be viewed as evidence of bitterness, vindictiveness or insanity rather than as understandable reactions.

The leaver is much further along in the divorce process and hopes they will be able to speedily move through the practical issues which stand in the way of the future. In reality the other spouse may need time to process the emotional impact of the decision to divorce, and generally meets this pressure with resistance and, consciously or unconsciously, does everything possible to frustrate the process and delay the inevitable. The net result is a huge waste of time, resources and emotions.

Bearing this in mind, by the simple action of allowing someone time and space to come to terms with the emotional realities of the divorce substantial progress can be made, as they begins to let go of the relationship and accept the necessity of obtaining information and making good decisions about the issues which need to be resolved. Apart from this usually being quicker in the long run a motivating factor may be the financial cost-effectiveness of moving ahead with genuine progress when the obstacles are withdrawn.

IMHO a good starting point might be couples counselling such as Relate, who don't just work at resolving difficulties within the marriage but can help with communications and marriage breakdown. Mediation or collaborative law offer non confrontational ways to resolve matters enabling everyone to move forward with the least damage to long term family relationships. Individual counselling could help you to cope with the emotional side. If at all possible litigation is best avoided.

Thank you for all your advice and points of view.

Mike
It is helpful to have a male perspective. You sound like your reacting in the same way as my xtb. Yes it probably was a shock to him. I suppose he just never thought I would want us to split. But he has worn me down and I simply dont love him any more.

I'm not prepared to put up with his behaviour any more. In the past I just let things go and put up with being unhappy because I thought it was best for the children. If I'd had the mental strength, not to mention the money I would have left a long time ago.

It was also just after my birthday that I decided enough was enough. I know it is a terrible cliche but I realised we are only here once. Did I want to wake up in 10,15 years time wondering what had happened to my life? I looked at older relations of mine who had stayed together and ended up hating each other, two bitter people who spent all day bickering and living in seperate rooms in the house. Their children dont go and see them very much as the atmosphere is so bad.

While I'm sure he could go on oblivious, I decided I just wasn't prepared to let that happen to me. The children are not happy with it at the moment, but hopefully they will understand in the long run. Financially it will be a struggle but I will just have to get on with it.

Any way that is my side of things. Hopefully his feelings will follow the same those of Mike and that he will accept it in the end. At the moment it is very difficult but thank you Fiona for your comments it has helped me understand his reaction and hopefully I can now see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. (oh dear yet another cliche!)

Lily