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Seperation from an Alcholic

  • rubytuesday
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06 Dec 07 #8531 by rubytuesday
Topic started by rubytuesday
I'm new here, and not sure where to begin!

I have been married for just less than 4 years, during that time my husband has developed a drinking problem that is so bad, I believe him to be an alcholic. He also suffers from bad depression, which he refuses to get treated.

Life with him has become unbearable for me and the children, we never know what mood he will be in when he gets back from the pub, and have to tiptoe around him the whole time, he has no interest in doing anything, as it will interfere with his drinking - he spends arounf £7300 a year on alcholol, about a third of our income.

We agreed to have a trial seperation, and he moved out just over a week ago, the house is amuch nicer place to be, for the first time in a long time, the kids and i have been able to relax. When we agreed on a trail seperation, I meant months, he thought it would be for a couple of weeks. I know now that I can't live with him again, and I can't ask the kids to live that kind of life again.
When he comes back, I am going to tell him that living with him is not an option, and before we can decide if we have a future, he needs to sort his depression and drinking out, for a long period of time, not just a few days,and I don't think that home is the bedt place for him to do that. I beleive that he needs time and space on his own to get himself together.
I'm not looking forward to telling him my decsion, but I can't go back to living with him.
He has been married and divorced twice before, and I think he might try to railroad me into making decsions that are not right. I don't want to move from our home as it would affect mjy older daughter's education - she has learniong difficulties, and sits her Standard grades (O levels) in just over a year,), any major disruption would damage her education beyond repair (she is okay about the seperation). We own our house and there is no mortage to pay, so I don't see why the kids and I couldn't stay here for the time being.
I'm so confused!

  • sexysadie
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06 Dec 07 #8534 by sexysadie
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Don't panic - you and the kids should be able to stay in the house until the youngest leaves full-time education.

I know just how you feel about how much easier it is once the person you have all been tiptoeing around leaves. You will have your ups and downs (your children may miss the good aspects of him very badly at times) but life will be more peaceful.

I don't envy you having to tell him that he should stay away long-term, but I think you should try and do this before he moves back in. Once he comes back it will be harder to get him to leave. And see a solicitor to see what your options are now.

Good luck!

Sadie

  • nearly free
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06 Dec 07 #8536 by nearly free
Reply from nearly free
Hi

Believe me you are doing the right thing in not wanting him back!
I am currently in the process of divorcing my husband who not only developed a drink probelm but also he became very very violent towards me!

The minute he left it was like a huge cloud had been lifted off my house and it became filled with the love and laughter that my children deserved!

Be strong.

  • gone1
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06 Dec 07 #8538 by gone1
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I cant imagine how tough this must be for you. You have to tough on him. Hopefully he will get thru this. There is no way back I presume? All the best and I hope it turns out ok. Chris

  • tigstheterror
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06 Dec 07 #8554 by tigstheterror
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Have to agree, tackle it before he comes back,once in it's diffiult to get him back out and it will have an effect on the kids if they are there.
To be honest if he has been married and divorced twice before,he has a fairly destructive personality by the sounds of it,i can't really be sure on this point though because i have no idea of the nature of previous break ups.
He has to reach rock bottom before he can start to climb his way back up,if you give in at all, he won't be able to do this.If he can reach the very bottom and think he has lost again, surely then he must realise that he can make it this time around if he wants to, and thats the key, he has to want to do it. Tell him firmly that not if,but when, he has sorted himself out,long term, you will meet with him and talk,but only talk and he has to be dry. Make him see it as though if he sticks to it you may be the prize but only at the end of the journey,not half way through.
Unfortunately there are no guarantees and it may be that he will never change,but then again there is just the chance that he will see sense and he will do it.
I would stay where you are,for the kids sake, finish school etc and tell hi to go and seek help, has he ever aditted to his drink problem? thats his first step,he has to admit he is in trouble,one he has done this he needs to seek help.
I wish you luck and take good care,Tigs x

  • soulmanuk
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06 Dec 07 #8556 by soulmanuk
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since my stbx left 14 months ago, she has had 3 jobs each job paying less than the previous one. her wage was £235 a week full time when she left now it is only £155 a week part time, is there some scam going on?? she only paid £28 a week CSA now that as been reduced to £19. she is not paying anything towards the debts and lives debt free with her new fellow. does that look better for me in a settlement or is she after a larger share?

  • tigstheterror
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06 Dec 07 #8560 by tigstheterror
Reply from tigstheterror
Think you hit the nail on the head with your last comment and also looks like the decrease in child support is a factor too. If she goes for a larger share you will have to deny it on the grounds of the debt. I am sometimes ashamed of my own gender and it goes to show women do this as well as the men,no consideration,all out for themselves and no morals or standards,lets hope she can sleep at night
Tigs x

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