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Affair

  • chrisjoy
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10 Dec 07 #8724 by chrisjoy
Topic started by chrisjoy
I'm sad to say I know now that my husband is definately having an affair and its must have been going on for some time. He still denies this and I cannot prove it only to say I know its true. I should be feeling angry with him but all I feel is utter sadness. He does'nt know that I know and still comes home occassionly to see the children but then he will give me a 'are you ok' hug, then I go to pieces again. Just wish this whole divorce was over, its too painful. Do I have to prove that he is having an affair for the divorce? Does it matter?

  • attilladahun
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10 Dec 07 #8726 by attilladahun
Reply from attilladahun
Are you sure you want to continue with the divorce process=

Why not attempt to fully discuss things with your H and look at
the fundamental reasons behind the difficulties.

It is said by some adultery is a "symptom" not a cause.

Listening to others helps but you must do what is right for you.

I detect that you have not yet really concluded the marriage has broken down iretrievably.

Why not approach H to see if he is prepared to "work" at the difficulties you face together and see if he will attend marriage guidance. This will test his "committment". If he is unwilling I believe you will feel that closure ultimately will be easier as you will KNOW you have done the best for you and the C to try and work things out.

It is an interesting fact that adultery is a much more common cause of marriage breakdowns in first marriages as opposed to subsequent marriages - which I suppose evidences greater tolerance/maturity/different objectives.

All the very best - many on here will empathise with you at this difficult time.

  • townie
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10 Dec 07 #8737 by townie
Reply from townie
If you are divorcing him on the grounds of adultry then you don't have to prove it.He has to respond to your grounds.My Soon to be x also had an affair, and wouldn't admit to it, I just noticed wider and wider gaps between us, and lack of intimacy.Have you confronted him?My S2bX also denied it the whole time. What are you waiting for?Does it matter to you that he admits he is unfaithful or will you put up with being'married' at any price, even if he is screwing around?Lots of questions to ask your self, but believe me its better to face them than the not knowing what is going on.Good Luck.There are plenty of nice people out there more worthy of your love.Take care

  • sexysadie
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10 Dec 07 #8738 by sexysadie
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I think you should think hard about what Attilla says. Adultery does not always mean the end of everything. It can be a trigger for a couple to work out what has gone wrong between them and become close again. It sounds as though you and your husband may have a chance, so why not try it?

Good luck,

Sadie

  • Mrs Ingledew
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10 Dec 07 #8742 by Mrs Ingledew
Reply from Mrs Ingledew
I am divorcing my stbx for an affair - after several months of my asking and asking him he finally admitted it. I also asked his "partner" as she was a friend(!) of mine. IT is terrible to be in the position of knowing something is worng but being told "you are imagining it" - I thought I was going mad and I found my self becoming more suspicious and more eaten away by the day.
All I can say is now I am 6 months down the line nearly to the day of when he told me and it feels a different life time.
I still hurt deeply at his betrayal and lack of respect for me. And I wonder if that feeling will ever go. When my stbx told me I felt as though I had had a weight lifted from me. But from there it has gone down hill. For some reason it is as though he wants to punish me for his choices. And I don't recognise the man I was with for 24 years.

BUT now I am much more content, my self esteem is growing and I know I can cope without him. I am not out of the woods but I can put things in perspective most of the time.

Take it slowly this divorce thing can take us over - but please put yourself first not what other people think of you or what you think is the "right" thing to do. You are the most important person here and you need to ensure you are happy with your decision. You can stop a divorce at any time.

Tay xx

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10 Dec 07 #8778 by chrisjoy
Reply from chrisjoy
Thanks for all your replies, but husband is the petitioner not me. He wants a quick divorce because he has found someone else to be happy with. I can't stop the divorce. He says its something he has to do whatever that means. I know he still has feelings for me and feels guilty but he started this now and is one of those who when his mind is made up to do something he sees it through no matter what. I know I will be better off without him in the long term but still can't help loving him despite all the lies he tells me.

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