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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

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Can I avoid divorce?

  • braindearth
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20 Dec 07 #9325 by braindearth
Topic started by braindearth
Strange title for this forum maybe - but getting desperate.

Wife seems to have given up on us. More and more distant, has constructed an amazing web of false allegations against me (abuse, control, infidelity). Now asking for trial separation. If I go down this route then, in your experience, is it just a stepping stone to divorce?

Love her very much and cant understand what has happened or is happening - feels like my marriage is being dismantled behind my back.

  • AJB0492
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20 Dec 07 #9326 by AJB0492
Reply from AJB0492
Trial seperation wether agreed via a seperation agreement or judicial using expensive solicitors and court does not always lead to a divorce. Sometimes the other party realises that a mistake has been made once they have been alone for a little while. However this is not always so and divorce may be inevitable so all I can say my friend is hope for the best but expect the worst. It may not be much help but you need to be thinking of how to protect yourself at this stage. If you sit around and wait for her to maybe want to try again you may either be waiting a long time or you will be hammered by her solicitors if she chooses to go down that route. Be prepared either way. Good luck keep your chin up.

  • mike62
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20 Dec 07 #9327 by mike62
Reply from mike62

No, not a strange title at all. There are lots of people on here that would prefer to repair their marriage than contemplate divorce. Equally there are lots of people on here for whom divorce is a welcome release from a controlling or abusive relationship. We are all different.

I forget who coined the phrase here, but it goes something like 'It takes two to tango, but if one leaves the dance floor...'

A marriage is a two way relationship, between two consenting partners. If one decides, for whatever reason, that they no longer want to be part of the relationship, the other is in a difficult position. You can't MAKE someone want to stay, or to love you.

That said, all too often in our 'instant' lives, decisions are made in haste and repented at leisure. It would be useful for you to understand what is wrong in your marriage that makes your wife want out.

Perhaps it is a cry for help, perhaps it is a statement of intent. Only the two of you can work that out.

I would suggest that you try to persuade your partner to go to Relate to discuss the issues she has and for you to understand them. Maybe there is something that can be repaired. Often when we have been together for a number of years we get complacent and take each other for granted, in many different ways. Silly things to one partner may be absolute no-nos to the other. Relate are very good at both helping you both to identify the issues, and also what to do about them. THey can help to find the middle ground, but also in the event that things are not recoverable, how to handle it going forward.

Trial separation is just that - An opportunity for both to have a biot of breathing space, to formulate their ideas, to see things in a different light, away from the daily pressures of living together.

One thing to bear in mind in all of this - be HONEST with yourself and each other. Is the grass really greener elsewhere? How might you feel about this in 2 or 5 years time?

Whatever happens, try to remain amicable and not be destructive with each other - it is a very tense time and silly things said now could have consequences later.

Best of luck - it is hard - I have been there too.

Take care


  • Jacko
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20 Dec 07 #9328 by Jacko
Reply from Jacko

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Maybe a separation may make her realise you do have something worth keeping?

As you are obviously painfully aware you can't make some one love you now matter what you do or how much you love them.

Unfourtunatley if she does really want a divorce she is going to get one. One way or another the posts on here are proof of that. The system seems bend the rules to make divorce easy. Unreasonable behaviour for instance can be anything from you playing on a playstaion all night to snoring. It seems if it's considerd the marriage is over then the courts process the divorce regardless of how petty the reasons may be. On the other hand petty reasons are quite often used to justify a divorce to hide the real reasons and diffuse some what a potentialy explosive situation. And avoid what could turn out to be a long expensive war of claim and counter claim.

If you really think you might be able to sort things out and I were you I should not encourage her to get legal advice as you may soon find you have a rapidly snowballing situation. The system tends to favour women when it comes to financial settlements, though it will depend on exactly what your situation is such as length off marriage dependant children ect.

Sorry but it does look rather gloomy.

  • Specialdad
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20 Dec 07 #9337 by Specialdad
Reply from Specialdad
Lets look at the details, your wife has

1. Given up on the relationship

2. Hitting you with allegations

3. Wants trial seperation

Sounds like my marriage and that ended in divorce sorry to say.

Tips on the way forward:

1. Plan for a new future without her.

2. Stay calm.

3. Go to the gym and pub more often.

  • ToxieDogg
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20 Dec 07 #9347 by ToxieDogg
Reply from ToxieDogg
No Braindearth, not an odd title for a topic at all. A fair few of us on here have felt exactly like you are now, myself included.

Jacko's post echos what happened to me....staying up all night on the Playstation etc. was pretty much exactly what my STBX cited as Unreasonable Behaviour against me. At first I couldn't accept it, thought it was a silly thing to use as grounds for divorce, then I tried to do everything possible to change, even offered to immediately sell all my games and stuff on Ebay, but still my wife wasn't willing to make things work. After receiving my copy of the petition, signing the paperwork and sending it back, I then discovered that she'd been having an affair for quite some time. :(

So yeah, basically the real reason was covered up with a more trivial one (not that I'm saying me playing my games and stuff wasn't causing problems, it was). At the moment, I have decided not to counterattack...there seems little point when it'll just drag things out longer, won't save my marriage and will result in a lot more expense for myself.

I am really sorry that this has happened to you and can sympathise entirely with what you're saying....I felt like my marriage had been dismantled behind my back too. Unfortunately, if this is the route that she's decided to go down, she obviously just wants out and is prepared to say anything to get out. The only advice I can give you at this point in time is to try and remain strong, tell yourself that you deserve better treatement than this (you do, believe me) and get support from as many friends and family members as you can, as quickly as you can. Because I didn't want to face up to the fact that my marriage might not be salvagable, I didn't even tell my family for a fortnight what was going on....instead, I endured 2 weeks of stressful hell trying to solve an unsolvable problem on my own with no help from anybody.

It's no consolation for you, I know, but the despair you're feeling will start to ease over time the more you manage to talk about your feelings and get them in the open, whether it be with people you know, counsellors or even just venting off on here (something that I often do myself). Just remember that we're all here for you if you need us.

  • Fiona
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20 Dec 07 #9348 by Fiona
Reply from Fiona

The system tends to favour women when it comes to financial settlements,

It's certainly not my experience, the system seems to treat people in similar circumstances in the same way. In our case I was financially stronger partner and the assets were divided 70:30 in my ex-husbands favour although the children stayed with me.

I'd be interested to know what Will or Attila think about this as they are working in the 'system' all the time.

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