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I don't feel its getting easier

  • Shocked
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28 Dec 07 #9608 by Shocked
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Hi all
My husband walked out on me 2 months ago, we had a few weeks of bad arguments which were unfortunately in front of our child :(he then told me he didn't love me anymore and left, he went to a solicitor 3wks later and has started divorce although nothings been filed yet, xmas has been awful I let him stay over xmas eve to see our child open prezzies and we ended up sleeping together (he knows I still love him) we can't seem to communicate and he wont do relate which we tried once and ended in disaster as the counsellor was in "training" I so desperately want him back and have phoned him A LOT infact probably too much but I'm so scared of bringing our child up alone and I'm afraid of losing my home infact I'm scared of everything at the moment. Some days I'm fine and others like yesterday and today I just break down and I hate my child seeing me cry.

My family seem to think I should be coping better and hating him for leaving and I know they are starting to get exasperated with me, we are meeting tomorrow to talk but yesterday we met in a department store cafe and ended up rowing in front of a busy restaurant and me leaving with our child and him shouting I was taking her away from him :(I honestly feel like i'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I said to my mum this morning that not once has anyone actually given me a hug (apart from my child) and said i'll be ok.

sorry for the long post

  • gone1
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28 Dec 07 #9613 by gone1
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Hi Shocked. 2 months is a very short time to be expecting to be getting over this. You feel a lot worse because you have been chucked away. The feeling of rejection is making this far worse for you and I am sure you didnt expect this to happen. I wont lie to you. You have some very tough times ahead of you. Separation and divorce is a shite place to be. But the good news is that this is a good place to be. There is an excelent support network here and you can come on here and get advice and unload if you have to.

I noticed from your post that you slept with this man. I cant tell you what to do as its your life. Only problem with having sex with the person that has done this to you is that it messes with your head. Every time you commit a sex act it will set you back. Its upto you what you do but think about what you are doing in this area.

There are no short cuts to this process. Time and distance are your friends. Let time pass and do your grieving and keep a distance from him. No more meetings as this will just drag it all out for you. And if you know whats best for you then no more sex with this man. He is getting the penny and the bun at the moment and that is not right. After all he ditched you. Laters, Chris.

  • Angel557
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28 Dec 07 #9614 by Angel557
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Well shocked you are still at a very early stage , 2 months is not a very long time at all, you need the people around you to be more supportive, they won't know how your feeling unless they themselves have been through it, there is no time scale of when you stop hurting, i feel your family are being a little harsh right now .Least us on here know what your going through and what you are feeling.Think most of us on here still have up and down days.I'm bringing up my 2 children alone i never thought i would be doing that when i had them, but you do cope and you have.Least the 2 of you will be talking tomorrow is there anybody that could have yor child as it's easier to talk without little ears being around.Has he said to you what he feels has gone wrong between you both maybe he just needs a bit of breathing space, and maybe you do need to stop calling him as much because right now i know it hurts but you are showing him you need him so much,(even though you feel you do) you need to show him your doing alright.It's good the 2 of you can still talk ok you had a bit of a ding dong the other day thats to be expected every now and again , but use tomorrow as the day you sort things out no matter which direction it goes in, keep it amicable as best you can between you both.I wish you the best of luck and if you need to chat to someone come into chat as us in there will only be too pleased to listen and help you.

  • sexysadie
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28 Dec 07 #9616 by sexysadie
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Well, shocked, here is a virtual hug from me. You will be OK in the end, but it will take a long time, and Chris and Angel are right: two months is nothing. For me it's been nearly a year now and I still have my awful days, as do the children.

I think that the first Christmas is particularly difficult as people often try to do it with their ex-partners for the sake of the children, which is very hard, or have to do it alone with the children, which is hard too. I took my children to my mother's this year, which we've never done before, and it was good because it was completely different and not just the three of us together being reminded of the past. I have very good family support, though.

I don't think your family are being particularly supportive but I expect they find it hard to understand that you can still love someone who has treated you so badly. I know that it is so hard to stay away from him even though (or especially because) he doesn't want to, but you do need to try and manage on your own. Once you start to do things alone successfully that you would have done together or that he would have done for you, you will start to feel more confident, and that will help you.

I hope you have seen a solicitor to get some sense of what you are entitled to, as that could at least help with some of your practical worries. If your child is living with you then you are very unlikely to lose your home. There are also a lot of benefits that you can claim, even if you earn quite a lot, and you get a reduction in your council tax if there is only one adult living in the house.

I think Angel is right that you should try and talk to your husband only when your child is not around, if at all possible. I know it's difficult, but friends are often just waiting to know what they can do to help, but don't know what to offer. And don't agree to anything (such as selling the house) until you have had legal advice. Just say that you aren't able to think about things properly yet. You might also find it easier to have these negotiations with the help of a mediator, as you are clearly very vulnerable at the moment and are likely to find it hard to think clearly.

I know it is har, but if you possibly can, try not to cry in front of your child. I don't know how old she or he is, but if possible, even five minutes out of the room for a quick collapse makes a lot of difference, and then you can go back to being steady mum.

Good luck, and keep going. You will be OK in the end.

Sadie

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28 Dec 07 #9618 by Specialdad
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Hi shocked. Really sorry to hear of your hurt. Unfortunately his behaviour is classical regarding having another woman and hes torn betwwen the two of you. I may be wrong but I have seen this hundreds of times with mates.

Chris, Angel and SS are right. We wish you well and hang in there. Virtual hug from me as well.

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28 Dec 07 #9624 by Shocked
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The worst thing is is that the first time he we slept together after he had gone he had a condom in his wallet which he said a mate had given him on a night out, then on xmas eve he had 2 which were identical to the first and he then said he had bought a box????? (we never used condoms) so he is lying about it and he's either bought them coz he assumed he would sleep with me again or they were to use with someone else :(

  • Shocked
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28 Dec 07 #9626 by Shocked
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specialdad could you go into more detail please about the classical behaviour, it may make sense to me, thanks

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