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Help I feel I'm drowning

  • megan
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30 Dec 07 #9705 by megan
Topic started by megan
I'm new to this but feel so sad and confused.My husband of 29years left me 6 weeks ago with an hours notice. Said all my fault and had been unhappy for years. Nobody including me could believe it. 2weeks later found he was having an affair even though i had the evidence he said i was screwed up and it was all in my head. Now he has admitted it, hasn't moved in with her as she is still with partner of 9months due to move in together in 4months.
I am on my own living in the country the silance is deafening.grown up children are living away and are feeling so let down by him .His behaviour to all of us has been terrible.
If i contact him he has said i manipulate his emotions (not words he would use!) My emotions are so shot i can hardly make a cup of tea manipulation is not possible. I get about 2hour sleep a night can't eat and cry if anyone looks at me.
When does it stop hurting?

  • Jacko
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30 Dec 07 #9709 by Jacko
Reply from Jacko
megan wrote:

When does it stop hurting?

Sorry to hear your story. Welcome to this forum of sad situations though there a friendly people here who will empathise entirely and help if they can. The more you read things here you may even start to think that maybe your situation isn't bad as some?? Some things I read here also give me hope that there is a good chance to rebuild a shatterd life. Even though things must seem pretty bleak there really is some hope that things can actually get better.

In my own personal experience the hurting starts to diminish when you accept it’s over!

  • LittleMrMike
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30 Dec 07 #9710 by LittleMrMike
Reply from LittleMrMike
I'm afraid that, at this stage, I can't offer you much more than heartfelt sympathy. It is a really cruel blow to lose a husband of such long standing at such short notice and with hardly any warning. At times like this you really find who your friends are.

There are many on this site who will be happy to offer what moral support they can. Your immediate practical concerns are your house, and your income. If the house is in joint names you should be OK ; but if it is in his sole name then you need to take action to protect yourself, it's called matrimonial home rights and if necessary I will be happy to explain what this means and why you need to do it.

I don't know enough about your income to comment on this aspect of the matter, but again, I will be happy to offer what advice I can if I have more details.

Time does heal, but as most people on this site would
confirm, it is a difficult process and you need your family and friends as never before. I wouldn't discourage you from seeing your GP.

What a thing to happen two days before a New Year ; but
I, and many others, will be with you, you can be sure of that.

Good luck
Mike 100468

  • escapy
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30 Dec 07 #9711 by escapy
Reply from escapy

Please please try not to carry this terrible thing on your own, he has made the decision to go , perhaps things for you and him were not right, but his way out cowardly.
Do not let him brow beatyou about this, you should be emotional at a time like this. A little advice try to talk as much as you can through what ever medium you have, such as wikivorce. Ihave found it to be very valuble, especially on those low heartbreaking days.
A freind told me to do one thing positive each day, even if it just 45min of ironing, or walking, or reading through wikivorce.
I have done many hours under the duvet, can fully understand how shocking you feel.' small steps' .
Get good legal advice, it will empower you.

people do care.

  • tigstheterror
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30 Dec 07 #9717 by tigstheterror
Reply from tigstheterror
Take each day as it comes, small steps as previous post said. Also stop contacting him at all if possible, leave him to it for a while you need to think about you now and what you need for your future. As soon as you feel able to, go get some legal advice,if the thought of going into a solicitors is too daunting at the moment ask a friend to go with you,moral support. Again as previously stated you need to be fairly sharp on sorting your financial needs out and the home etc. It does sound as though the " new woman" is pulling his strings,is there anyone who can stay with you a while? they can vet phone calls etc and then he may think twice about being ignorant and horrible to you if he knows you aren't alone, i know it sounds daft, but it's all about emotional power.If he sees you are an emotional wreck, he will take you for a ride,don't let him do this.
I know it is hard,and you cannot see which way is probably up at the moment but it does get a little easier as time passes, but if i can give you one word of advice, whenever you see him,hold your head up and smile,whenever you speak to him, be clear and precise and matter of fact. This will make him think that you no longer need him and aren't suffering anymore. It would also appear that he has told a lot of crap to this " other woman " too to gain her sympathy vote so be careful and realise that she only knows his version and his description of you and your marraige. Above all don't hate or be bitter, it's an emotion that destroys,you will look back on this in time and feel empowered and good knowing that you got through it all and can still laugh and smile, and you will do those things again given time. I hope you have also had time to consider letting your children know, just be honest and don't get involved with what , why's and who's,, if they are grown then they can ask all the facts for themselves and decide who needs the support the most and i hope you receive most of it.
Remember that you will need to grieve once the shock has worn off,allow yourself time for this and don't beat yourself up. Once you have gone through the early stages begin by getting your life back,i don't know if you work at all but maybe if you don't, you can begin by volunteering. I am not sure of how feasible this is as you state you live in the country so maybe perhaps once you feel able, go and stay a while with a sibling or friends or maybe one of your children.Basically just do everything and anything whenever you feel like it.
I hope all of everyones advice helps and i can only wish you peace and happiness for the future,i hope you get everything sorted out. Take good care
Tigs x

  • megan
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30 Dec 07 #9719 by megan
Reply from megan
Thank you so much for all the kind comments. I do work and am due back in work tommorow after the hols, i'm hopeing it will get a bit of order in my life. unfortunatly I earn more than he does and he's going to want every penny that he can from the house. I have worked all my married life and got an inheritance about 10yrs ago all now spent. i feel she is going to gain from everything i have worked for.

  • scottishlady
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30 Dec 07 #9726 by scottishlady
Reply from scottishlady
Hi Megan....
I am very sorry to read of your situation.... but, it WILL get easier.....
Like you... my husband left me just over five months ago now... he didn't think to give me an hours notice... simply left while I was at work... haven't seen him since... and, like you, a few weeks later I found out he had been having an affair....
It is an atrocious time.... but things do get easier, as time passes...
I slowly came to accept that my husband of seventeen years no longer loved me (or as he told me on the phone "had hated me for years")....
Unfortunately... people 'choose' to end their marriage in ways that we find hard to understand.... your husband, like mine, seems to lack a backbone.... and we are left feeling more confused and hurt than may have been necessary.... but, that is a lacking on THEIR part - not ours....

Give yourself time..... time to come to terms with what has happened... and time to 'deal' with the situation you find yourself in.... you may find that you are far stronger than you think.... and hopefully, the 'hurt' will lessen...

With kindest regards

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