what an end to 2007!

my husband of 9years left on xmas day. We have 4 small children and i am the main earner. i am responsible for loving him too much and letting him get away with small things. He prefers to party and stay out all night with no consideration for me or the kids. He doesn't think he has done anything wrong! He says he loves me and is not in love with me. I know he had a fling 18months ago and since then been living like in an invisible person in the house with him which hurts so much. He told me new years eve that he does not want to be married anymore but will always be there for me and the kids which i can't comprehend as he can have both in my eyes. My kids are heartbroken and so am i.

Campbalis,
What an awful situation to be in. Sounds like your husband is the embodiment of Peter Pan, and out of touch with the realities of life, marriage and relationships. But you obviously love him, for all his faults.

Has he ever been a responsible contributor to the marriage? Sometimes men suddenly feel that their life is passing them by, and try to clutch to an earlier lifestyle, without responsibility or commitment, in an effort to feel more in control of their life.

From the outside looking in, it seems that he has had it too good for too long, and is willing to throw it all in for an easy life for himself.

AS for yourself, why should you feel like an invisible person in your own home? What have you done, other than to love him, provide for him and bring up your children? He needs a serious reality check, not you.

His choice of Christmas day to leave and New Year's Eve to say he wants out seems to me to be a cynical way of rubbing your nose in it, to ruin yours and your children's Christmas and New Year. What a nasty man.

Did you try counselling when you were aware of his affair? Perhaps it would be useful for you to try that route, either through your GP or through Relate. Even if your husband is not prepared to be involved, it would help you enormously to understand that it really isn't your fault.

I would be inclined to ask your husband to move out of the family home on a trial basis, so he can start to understand the gravity of what he is saying, and so that you don't feel that you are walking on eggshells all the time.

Perhaps if he is willing to try counselling, and to try to repair the problems, there may be a way back. But at the moment it is all going his way. So why should he try?

You need to look after yourself, to retain your sanity to be able to provide for you and your children, both emotionally and financially. That has to be your no 1 priority at the moment.

My instinct says that you need to toughen up with him, and make him take some more responsibilities for his life and children, and then see how he feels about the future.

It is a really tough time for you and I feel really bad that you are caught between a big rock and a very hard place.

Take care and be strong for yourself and your children

Mike

Three lessons from this awful situation

1. Never love anyone so much that they can break your heart one day.

2. Never trust anyone 100%

3. Your kids are your life now, love them and forget him.