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Inside the minds of angry & Controlling Men

  • MontyPython
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29 May 2010 20:14 #206470 by MontyPython
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This is a book, but it comes wwith a warning.
If you recognise either of these traits in your partner/stbx/ex you may want to read this book.
I am only on chapter 3 as it is really difficult to read.It makes me feel sick that I have let myself and the kids down, being controlled and verbally abused by stbx.
So, if you are brave, try it....

Why does he do that?- Inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft
ISBN 978-0-425-19165-1

I got it off amazon so I could understand and justify my need to divorce. I certainly don't want to make the same mistake again.
Good Luck
Supercali xx
ps, to balance, I know that everyone is different, there are really good men out there too and hopefully they are the majority xx

  • Flutterbye
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29 May 2010 23:17 #206492 by Flutterbye
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Thanks supercali - I've just been on Amazon and ordered this. The reason I'm divorcing my stbx is verbal, emotional and occasional physical abuse, so will be very interested to read this book. Although I know only too well what he does is wrong, I still sometimes feel that I'm to blame. Just want my daughter to know that this is NOT how a normal relationship is.

Mare x

  • polar
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31 May 2010 09:59 #206647 by polar
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LOL what a sexist post !! He says tongue in cheek. My X always claimed after she left that I controlled her. She even states it on an internet dating site !! But in fact friends and neighbours said that she controlled me. Oh I let myself be contolled without realising it but I can see that now. Sadly according to documents and letters we have found she didn't expect the marriage to last more than 10 years. Funny how that was the time it took to establish and pay off business mortgages. Calous though considering we have a daughter who somehow she had forgoten about in her equation.
I now consider it my job to return to the person I was before I met her as somehow I like that person !! Oh and interestingly enough her various new cohorts are all wimpy things that can be controlled !! Interesting !!LOL
Polar

  • ambrosia
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31 May 2010 10:34 #206659 by ambrosia
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I have this book and another 2 like this. I will dig them out and tell you what they are. I too felt upset as I read the book, realising what I had allowed to happen to me and the children. Plus as the children grow up with witnessing it, are they going to turn out like it too? I cried many tears over this, and at counselling that I had due to a breakdown last year, I bought this up. Its not MY fault. Its only recently that I have realised what has happened, and I could not have changed things before. My son might not grow up like his father as they are so different. It is a hope I have to cling on to. Most of these books are writing about the men being at fault as I think it is statistically correct, but they do acknowledge that woman have these traits too. Infact there are books out there where the roles are reversed. Books help us to realise what we are going through and that we are not alone. After years of being told ''Its all in your head, you need help'' etc etc, These books have opened my eyes, and given me confidence in my own abilities and made me mentally strong. IT IS NOT MY FAULT!

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31 May 2010 11:01 #206665 by polar
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Hi Cindy , statistically you are correct !! Not so many refuges for 'battered men' but they do exist. I think you are 100% right when you come to the realisation that its not your fault especially if the controlling other keeps the pressure on afterwards. I think my situation was all summed up by a hacked email. 'He did ever so well with our investments' . yep HE did and is now doing so on his own !! So it was all about money from day one LOL .
Polar

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31 May 2010 23:23 #206781 by escaped
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I have just ordered this book on Amazon too, and I bet my stbx's name is printed on every page

:-(
Escaped

  • Marshy_
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01 Jun 2010 11:10 #206830 by Marshy_
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polar wrote:

LOL what a sexist post !! He says tongue in cheek. My X always claimed after she left that I controlled her. She even states it on an internet dating site !! But in fact friends and neighbours said that she controlled me. Oh I let myself be contolled without realising it but I can see that now.


Hi Polar. This is also classic controling behavour. To blame others. If you dont stick up for yrself in life someone will sweep into yr life and take over. This is the real lesson here. I find it amusing that lots of women authors write books about controling men. I wish the world would wake up and smell the coffee and realise its a \"People\" issue and not a gender one. C.

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