LOL I had the 'your father is mad..mentally unstable bit '' Well I got control back....of MY life !! But remember control by the other person doesn't have to be physical, it can be mental. I am accused of never wanting to do anything. Well she loved her damn business more than me obviously and use to come home and fall asleep. Considerate idiot thought he was helping her by sitting alone watching TV whilst she slept on the sofa. Every 'control 'situation is different. Mental, physical, whatever. But everyone, when you get rid of the freak and rebuild your shattered life you will get that one thing nothing can buy. RESPECT FOR YOURSELF.
My stbx is living up to the abuser - just had a letter from his solicitor where he is refuting everything I'm saying... apprently it's me not him who continually insists on talking about the settlement; it's me not him who get angry and shouts; it's him that walks out of the room so the conversation has to stop not me..!! etc etc
Typical twisting things round trait.
Like you Supercali - my stbx can't believe that I want to divorce him - 9 months down the line he still says he knows we could work things out.
The thing that scares me is that he can come across as so believable, so when we go to court I have no idea what he will have up his sleeve. Will he be able to convince the judge that he a rational, caring husband and that I'm the one making all the demands? Hope not but who can say.
I am too worried but I have to listen to my own values, intuitions and gut feeling on things. I can see what stbx is doing now and slowly but surely other people are seeing what he's like too.
It requires great strength to carry on, but we will succeed. And one day I will be able to sleep again and not have that knot in my stomach of anxiety.
Please take care everyone in the same position ,
Not sure if this is in the book. I was told this by my counseler and its to do with being said that I was trying to make my ex mad. This bothered me as I couldnt see how I was trying to send her mad. I put this to my counseler. And she was on it right away. This is common practice by others that want to control by blaming them for what they are doing. She said that often controling people blame the other party for something that they are trying to do to you. Bit like issueing a warning about cheating on them whilst they are having an affair. A sort of reverse psycology. C.
Please if you are in an awfull position do not take this the wrong way. In every case there is always mud slinging. They poke you..you poke them. Using
solicitors if that is the case. Blame..true or false, lies lies lies. What everyone must do is to take responsibilities now for their own actions and rebuild their lives. Not an easy task as I know only to well but are you only going to blame another for your woes for the rest of your life. Anger is a wasted emotion especially if the other side doesn't give a flying fig. Yes I could blame my X as she is 100% to blame but why should I care about her, what she is doing now or what she is saying. She isn't part of my future so really why should I care. My efforts went into improving ME. MY LIFE, MY FUTURE. Yes like others I asked why. That will never be answered ever. I read
books , I researched the internet. I created my own formula for the future. Who's future am I going to concentrate on. Mine and my daughters. Who will be to blame if I get it wrong. ME. So Im concentrating on not getting it wrong. concentrate on now. Mine and my daughters and if my X gets into a mess , tough.
I had an aunt who made a career of poking the X for 15 years. eventually she realised that she had been wasting her valuable opportunities but by then it was to late. Sad and lonely now and that should be a lesson to us all.
Yea agree polar. The trick is to put it behind you. Its easy when you walk into the arms of another. But if yr the one thats betrayed its harder. Its even harder if you have lost yr kids and family and even even harder still if you lost yr home. Real bad that another man has moved into yr home and taken over all that you have worked for. And you have to start again at 50. Not the end of the world. But thats my retirement gone.
All the above happened to me. But whos fault is it? Some could say that its that lying scheaming biatch. But the blame is mine. It was me that started going out with her and it was me that asked her to move into my home with her kids. It was me that allowed them to call me dad. It was me that proposed to her and it was me that married her. It was me that took her on all those holidays and me that created a show house for her.
I cant blame her fat **** of a BF. He just does this sort of thing all the time. Has one affair after another and I feel sorry for his poor long sufering ex wife. But she is ok now. She met someone else and all is good. Like me she thanks her lucky stars. But she kept her home and her kids.
No one forced me or held a gun to my head. So in my case the blame is all mine. I didnt make her like she is, she was already like that before I met her. So in my case the blame for all this sits squarly on my shoulders. But my one saving grace if there is one is that I didnt know. But if I had half the nounce that I hope I have now I would have seen what she was like. And again no one to blame but me.
And so is my recovory my bad. But I have done very very well despite what happened to me. I have a great life. Lots of friends, good times. Much better meals and I can do what I want when I want. So I am living the dream. Life turned out just fine. And all becuase of me and partly becuase of what happened to me. C.
Marshy, mistake number one meeting her. Mistake number 2 liking her. Mistake number 3 trusting her. And there are the three mistakes we all made !! No, the real mistake is dwelling on it and not rebuilding so you are better than them. Yes become better, have a better life...and material things aren't all. I go out with a packet of fags and a couple of quid. People respect that I can't afford , far more than if I pretend. They want me there as much as I need them there. I don't ask for anything ...ever.
Yes I am respected for what and who I am.
Oh and by the way my pension payout went to paying her off. The recession meant that I survived off my pension for 4 months, She left me at 58 so what chance of recovery? Plenty because I spent every waking hour looking for solutions. Who is going to have the better life. Dont care as long as mine gets better and better because I know that hers was only good whilst she was on top. As the saying goes she wont know what she's lost till its gone completely. And I have !!