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Inside the minds of angry & Controlling Men

  • Jollyrocket
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04 Jun 10 #207524 by Jollyrocket
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all abuse be it male female parent child friend - what ever - I think at the base it all involves verbal/emotional abuse at the route.

Patricia Evans has written a couple of books that I found really useful, I am quoting her below about the symptoms of abuse - and I know all of us who ave been in an abusive relationship will recoginse these behaviours.

I would recommend this book highly

"In order to help you recognize abuse, remember that all forms of verbal abuse are methods of manipulating you for the purpose of establishing power over you. The following are some of the forms of verbal abuse the author helps you recognize.

1. Withholding: a purposeful, silent treatment.

2. Countering: a countering of your ideas, feelings, and perceptions, even going so far as to refute what he misconstrues you to have said.

3. Discounting--a putdown of you or something you hold dear.

4. Blocking and diverting--this is a sneaky, covert way of violating your dignity.

5. Accusation and blame: generally involves lies about the partner's intentions, attitudes, and motives. The author states that accusation and blame is present in all verbally abusive relationships.

6. Judging and criticizing: lies about your personal qualities and performance.

7. Trivializing and undermining: abusive behavior which makes light of your work, your efforts, your interests, or your concerns. The abuser attempts to dilute meaning and value in your life. Undermining might occur when your partner laughs at you, for example, when you burn yourself cooking. It is also jokes at your expense. Undermining is occurring when you feel a "so-called joke" is mean rather than funny.

8. Name calling: no one has a right to call you degrading names. Name calling is verbal abuse.

9. Ordering: Telling you to do something, rather than asking, or making decisions for you or for the two of you without your input.

10. Forgetting and denial: the trickiest form of denial is forgetting. Become aware that forgetting is a form of denial that shifts all responsibility from the abuser to some "weakness of mind."

11. Abusive anger: this seems to be closely linked to the need to "blow up," to dominate, to control, to go one up, and to put down. Any time you are snapped at or yelled at, you are being abused.

12. Threatening: Physical threats and sexual threats aside, verbal threats are an effort at manipulation. For example, a threat to leave, stay out all night, or take you home immediately is a manipulation for power. The threat of "pending disaster" is designed to shatter the partner's serenity as well as her boundaries.

If you counter the abuser or attempt to explain yourself, you will probably be met with such statements as, "You're going into one of your tirades again," or "You're much too sensitive," or "You're just trying to start a fight" or "You don't have a sense of humor."

If you are in a brand-new relationship and see warning signs of verbal abuse, the author suggests you might be wise to let the relationship go. It is not likely that a man (woman) who needs to dominate and control will change easily, if at all.

It is also likely that when the newness of the relationship wears off, he will become more abusive. Verbal abuse can become physical in time and physical abuse is always preceded by verbal abuse, according to Evans"

  • MontyPython
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05 Jun 10 #207545 by MontyPython
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JollyRocket, Yes Yes Yes.
And the really sad thing is that even though the abuser can go into counselling or therapy, they rarely change. Many deny they have a problem, some see the course out and return to their previous traits because it's their values not their feelings that stay the same.
It's also wise to stop any new relationship if you see any of these warning signs.
Let's hope that there are some partners left available else we will all end up on our own and responsible just for ourselves, but maybe that's just not so bad!!!:S
Supercali xx

  • Flutterbye
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05 Jun 10 #207561 by Flutterbye
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LOL Supercali - I was thinking the same about hoping there are still some non abusive free men out there!!! ;)

Reading the Lundy Bancroft book I am finding it SO helpful - anyone who has been abused in any shape or form should read a book like this, or the one that Jollyrocket quotes from.

Mare :)

  • Tinny
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08 Jun 10 #208107 by Tinny
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Hi Folks
I very rarely come onto this forum now. I was one of the early members and found great support here.

I logged in the other day to see this post but had no time to reply then.

It all takes me back. I bought and read the Bancroft & Patricia Evans books 4 years ago when I was searching for answers. I think Im still searching.

My Ex ticked a lot of the boxes and i think maybe he still does. Reading the books I keep thinking, "yes he did all that", but "was if my fault"?? I still think that. I wonder whether he or others were conscious of what they were doing or whether they think it is normal??

Is it me? maybe there is something in my nature that made him the way he was? I would like to think Im a fairly good person but maybe my perceptions are all wrong?

He has another partner now that Im not supposed to know about. Perhpas he is a completly differnet person with her because she is a better person?

As you can see I still dont have any answers for myself and perhpas the books didnt really help me at all.

Take care

  • Jollyrocket
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08 Jun 10 #208211 by Jollyrocket
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I dont think its to do with not being a good person, surely that was what you were told, but not the truth.

Sure we allowed the behaviour to continue or even to start with in the first place.

However I would doubt that he could change that much, controlling people have to behave like that - but it may take a while to emerge. She is probably still kidding herself that it was her fault or that he did not really mean it...was tired/stressed/jealous/insecure...or whatever his sob story is that gets him off the hook.

I would not go there - be gald we are free and can understand the behaviour.

I found a note my ex's girlfriend wrote (that I was not meant to know existed). In it she wrote about his snappy temper with her and they are not together anymore. They cant change their behaviour becuase they would not admit they are at fault in the first place.


  • nagios
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09 Jun 10 #208240 by nagios
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In my case I know what my faults were. I can also understand a lot of the comments made and know where my ex was coming from.

It'll teach me going forwards. But the one thing I can be proud to know is that at no times was I abusive violent not did I cheat.

The stuff she left me for were fixable and since she left have all been fixed. I just wish shw could have A had the balls to work together on them. and B realised that it was not just all my fault. Maybe she will go on to make the same mistakes. Maybe I will too. Maybe only time will tell.

  • hawaythelads
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09 Jun 10 #208246 by hawaythelads
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The only mistake anyone makes is getting married,especially if you are bringing more to the table, because that means you are giving your new spouse 50% minimum of your money by law if you do discover that they turn out to be controlling and abusive.The financial tie in often means that people will tolerate a lot more abuse within a marriage as they have a punitive financial clause upon exit,rather than in an unmarried relationship both parties walk away with what assets they had previously.
Don't get married it keeps the relationship truer rather than bringing in commitment and obligation that lead to the potential for more control upon marriage.
All the best
Pete xx

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