Thanks so much Jelly and Poppy. You are the first people I've spoken to who really understand. Over 2 years you waited Jelly? And all that shinanigans - poor love, big hug.
Yes, with all my own personal suffering I studied the human brain, and behaviour and particularly Psychopathy - people think psychopaths are rampaging around the neighbourhood, but when you see that psychopaths can have numerous peronalities and no conscience.....ahh!
I heard a female comic once say that some men see a woman whose got it all together and think 'hey I can break that' and women see a man who's a loser and think 'hey I can fix that' - I've always been a softie by nature, and I've learned that there are preditors out there who feed off playing mind games - they love it don't they. Some people have said that 'him in the house' can't be happy, I reply by saying ''but that's his version of happy'' that's the happiness of a twisted mind. I feel so for you and do so hope that you feel the winds of freedom have carried peace back to your life.
I have no one to turn to, am not young, and both my parents are dead. Wish I'd found this site at the start.
I have one pet hate of a quesion and it's this ''Hello, how's your divorce going?'' then you reach for the script of ''just a waiting game'' or ''the latest bollox'' or the '' shock of the latest revelations'' - just invites your mood to plummet further.
It makes me sad that so many people don't understand how divorce can sometimes be for us, and also makes me feel that somehow I am to blame for the length of time it's taking, and that I should find something or do something to spur it on. But to chivvy along my solicitor costs every time I call/write to her (rock and hard place scenario) and one of my friends afar is a trained criminal barrister, but she has no clue about the realities of divorce.
I'd rather people got educated about the realities and stopped talking about quickie divorces, and how i can apply for my Absolute 6 weeks after my Nisi - I'm just fed up of so called friends insensitive comments borne out of sheer ignorance. If they haven't read of things like happen to you/me then what I say leaves them confused and me feeling like a freak of nature as only one on planet stuck in divorce pipe line like this.
Anti-dote is to find someone/friends out there with a case like mine, or knows that cases like mine exist and not my fault. Feeling less isolated with this on going on going never ending etc etc will lift my depression as I refuse to take any medication, however blood pressure very high.
Nice to find this site
kind regards to you and I will be reading those books, every little helps, and a validating book is like a friend don't you think?
sound like my kinda book - have to set up a library!
Not a book but anyone been to see the film ''Burn after Reading'' at cinema. Didn't know it featured a messy divorce before I went. Howled my head off at the bit where the secret bank account details were discovered. Laughed, choked on me pop-corn!
jollylass, I don't know if you meant to but your first post made me smile:) You sound remarkably calm, and a book by us 'experts' sounds like a good idea! As yet I haven't even dared put my petition in and when I do we could probably swap notes as my hubby is the same - not loans but personal bank accounts which he will not want to share. Has been open with me because he wanted me to sign to refinance the family home and the mortgage is solely in his name now. I did so, and when it all went through the joint account ceased to exist! He hadn't mentioned that part.
We were and are separated, and I hadn't accessed that account but was legally entitled to it if I chose - in his logic I hadn't used it since I left and so didn't need it. In the separation period I had meanwhile used all my own money doing work on our former family home (in UK) and he wouldn't pay his half (including the pathetic amount of super I had managed to accumulate in my non-existent career which had to die a death after we had the children and never recovered because we moved countries twice with his job!)
His logic - I am /will be living in it and of course he won't want me to have the added value. Fact that he lives in a near-mansion by British standards is neither here nor there in his book. He also, not that long ago, and this is part of the reason the marriage broke down in the end, told me I only spent so much time on my PhD (currently on sick leave from) because I hadn't been successful in my career. It seemed to surprise him that that hurt me, on top of two years or more of quiet chronic emotional abuse and worse. Logic works in a specific and peculiar way on his planet.
I think we could write a really good and useful social study into divorce and its shock waves, and how it can bring out the worst in people. Some people lose all sense of proportion and they don't get that if it isn't working, you can either endure it, mend it, or end it. If that sounds a bit cut and dried, today my logic is up to it:) Yesterday I was a complete mess - all part of the process.