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What boundaries/standards would you accept...

  • emma79
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26 Feb 08 #15067 by emma79
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as an expression of hurt feelings?

I know I hurt my husband when I left. Despite having good reason and having tried for months to wake him up to the fact things werent right. (Crude, but I haven't got all day to explain) I felt extremely guilty, even though I was sure I was doing the right thing - and still am.

He found it incredibly difficult to get a handle on the situation and I tried to be as respectful and patient as possible while just having abuse hurled at me. I think a certain amount of that is to be expected when you make a decision that effects someone elses life so completely. But where would you draw the line? When does it start being vindictive and just an excuse for them to level their frustrations with everything straight at your head?

I honestly think that the hostility Im getting now transcends to just plain nastiness, but I am not in his position.

My soon to be ex posted up on his facebook profile that my divorce petition was a load of lies. 2 months ago he announced my earnings, debt, weight and medical/mental history on that damn site...supposedly in response to my brother writing something sarcastic on his page after earlier that day Id had a barrage of texts and phone calls while at work.

I can't explain how much I soaked up and just returned respect and understanding.

I can't read him at all. I know I hurt him when I left, but surely theres a level of behavior that is fair while going through this. It seems that it doesnt matter how I conduct myself, Im getting the worst back anyway.

We have no children, no property, we'd split our belongings ages ago. Theres nothing left to argue about. He's even starting a new family.

Am I allowed to start sticking up for myself yet? The two occasions Ive said 'hold on a minute' Ive had an onslaught of strangers calling me a bitch.

Is anyone else out there managing to keep a bit of dignity in the proceedings? Im so glad we don't have children.

  • mike62
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26 Feb 08 #15076 by mike62
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emma,
No doubt at all that men and women are 'wired' differently. Mars and Venus and all that.

Am I allowed to start sticking up for myself yet? The two occasions Ive said 'hold on a minute' Ive had an onslaught of strangers calling me a bitch.


However, there is no reason for such hostility!

Yes, you hurt him when you decided that the marriage was not working. Perhaps he is turning his guilt at not making it work or heeding your warnings back at you as aggression.

The fact that he took the trouble to post up a load of things about you on his facebook site says that he feels inadequate. Why else does he try to publicly humiliate you?

Emma, time to move on. Close that chapter.

Emotions do run high through divorce. Perhaps he thinks there is unfinished business between you. Perhaps he cannot believe that he has any faults.

But none of this alters the fact that it is over. You are emotionally secure enough to draw a line. He isn't. Who is the bigger guy?

Take care,

Mike

  • megan
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26 Feb 08 #15090 by megan
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Mike62
You give such kind thoughtfull answers You left a post for me the other day in a similar vein.I hope Emma79 that you feel as supported and respected as I did.
Good luck

  • emma79
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28 Feb 08 #15253 by emma79
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Megan, I do. Thank you both.

I am now waiting to see if he is going to contest my peition. He says he is. Havent heard anything yet but its only been 10 days and I dare say hes got a lot to write on it.

Its just really a waiting game. Waiting for the next drama, the next message...hopefully he'll just say his piece and sign it. It would save a lot of money for nothing..I am paying, by the way.

I really wasn't sure when I left whether it would be for good. I just needed him to know how serious I was about not being happy. His reaction and behaviour made it impossible for me to think/ miss any good things about him. Everything he did at that point just took the little 'resevoir of hope' away.

Its like every contact I had/have with him from that day to this just makes me wonder why I married him in the first place. Its very sad really, but makes it very easy for me to move on, like I don't think much about him at all unless he gets in touch. My actions have absolutely no bearing on the way Im treated.

Chapter well and truly closed :o)

xx

  • mike62
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28 Feb 08 #15263 by mike62
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Good on you Emma, Just get the signature and get on with your new life. Best of luck and take care

Mike

  • loobyloo
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28 Feb 08 #15281 by loobyloo
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Emma
I too commited the crime of the century when i left his behaviour by total abandoment of his 2 children enforces it in my mind i did the right thing, I do doubt that from time to time
The latest he has changed mobile and email so unless we go through his place of work have no way of contact if need to
So as mike says men and women do differ but both sexs I suppose can shoot venim
I think you are a strong person and will be fine
looby

  • emma79
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03 Mar 08 #15654 by emma79
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Thank you, I know I'll be fine but its difficult to know how to react. Do you keep your mouth shut or shout just as loudly?

Even today he's taken a website down that we used to admin for a youth group. He has had an argument with my brother, so he's retalliated by taking this site down and putting a two page rant there about everything. This is a club Ive been close to for years (I pay for the website by way of supporting them) He's changed all the admin passwords and passwords to the hosting account. I can't do a thing about it. Ive tried emailing the hosting people three times but its difficult to get a response.

The club has nothing to do with this. Hes mad cause my brother was having a whinge on Facebook about malicious spamming that was messing up our computers at work. I know my brothers no angel and, not having seen it myself, could well believe that its aimed at my ex as its the type of thing he would do and we did have our suspicions. But its not the clubs fault...or mine. Thats so childish Im spitting blood here!

Im also concerned because my bank details are now connected to an account I have no access to. This has all been explained to the hosting company but its doing my head in. I think as far as they're concerned they will only correspond with the person who has the passwords and to which the emails are directed.

Ooooooooo its so annoying. And, to be completely honest, bloody embarrassing since all the parents and committee will see what he's written, including saying that Ive been lying to people about him...which I haven't.

I just feel like crying now but thats what he'd want. I also thought about ringing him....again...not going to give him the satisfaction. He goes on about 'not letting him get on with his life'. I havent instigated any contact with him since well before christmas. Well, since it stopped being productive to talk to him. Hes the one contesting the divorce!

Grrrrrrrr :angry:

This is pants :(

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