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What boundaries/standards would you accept...

  • Mrs Ingledew
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10 Mar 08 #16358 by Mrs Ingledew
Reply from Mrs Ingledew
There are some things you can influence and some things you can't ... and boy have I tried.

I don't understand my ex and I am having to learn to step away. NOT EASY!!

I am in counselling and this advice was given to me.

Draw a traget - an archery type one.

Your are the bulls eye. You are the centre - the most IMPORTANT part. Your sphere of influence diminishes the further away from you the bands are.

Take some coins - a mix of types.

Thinking of the individuals your are with e.g. children and situations you want to influence e.g the youth club or your work choose the monetray value to match how important the thing is to you. So my children and my new partner warrant a £2 and my friends a £1.

How important is your ex ... mine is an old halfpenny!!

Position the coins on the target as to where you think you want them - I put my ex right close so that I had control of him.
when you have put all the coins on the target look at it - are the most important ones closest to you.
Are the ones you can REALLY influence closest to you.

Move them around to reblance. My ex is now nearly off the target as I cant influence him at all but still need to remind myself.

I used to do this daily but now only when I can't get the **** out of my head!!

  • emma79
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10 Mar 08 #16364 by emma79
Reply from emma79
That sounds like a really good exercise. Thanks for sharing that one :)Good common sense. Although I do realise some things are easier said than done, doing something like that can put things into perspective. He would be on the outside edge of my target, but for the fact he keeps threatening this, that and the other. I should know in the next few days whether the divorce can happen now. Ill be happier then


  • Elizabeth
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11 Mar 08 #16532 by Elizabeth
Reply from Elizabeth

You sound like you have behaved immpecably throughout this onslaught of abuse from your ex - it must be extremely difficult but take comfort from the fact that you are the bigger person here. Your ex is wasting valuable time (his own particularly - people will see that he is the nasty vindictive one - not you.

I know this does not help or stop what he is doing and you seem to be rationalising the situation well.


I hope he runs out of energy very soon!

  • Tom Crick
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13 Mar 08 #16700 by Tom Crick
Reply from Tom Crick
Hi Emma,

Phew! He sounds a right case. Afraid I can't add much to the above suggestions as to what to do, but here's a thought to think: think about the yin-yang symbol - it's saying basically that if you push something too far, it turns into its opposite. He may be going round saying what a bitch you are etc., etc., and at first he probably got a lot of sympathy that way, but if he pushes too far and people see you not reacting , then surely a lot of them will come to see him as the bully and you as the injured party. They may never say so in your presence, but a lot will come to think that privately.

For example, my mother-in-law gets a lot of calls from my wife about my alleged misdemeanours and shortcomings and she won't usually support me publically, out of loyalty to my wife - but from my wife's huffing and puffing I can tell that she didn't get the reaction she hoped for.

It might even help to point out to your ex- that people will make their own minds up about his online rants, that he's in a hole and needs to stop digging.

Good luck!

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