Struggling -

Hi,
My partner of 23 years moved out 6 weeks ago - leaving me and out two young children. the relationship was not good prior to that - there was a lot of arguing and i felt that he no longer loved me and only stayed because of the kids. For the first couple of weeks things were OK and I coped well. However for the last month I have been a total wreck. I am so sad - it hurts so much I feel rejected and let down, and everytime he comes to get the kids or bring them back it hurts even more. He on the other hand is acting as if all is OK - thought I am not sure that is so underneath - he just doesn't show it. My emotions are all over the place I go from desperately wanting him back to blaming my self entirely for ruining everyones life - in particular the kids (who are coping with it reallly well - it is me who isn't). I know it is early days he has only been gone 6 weeks - but wanted to know when does it start to get better? I feel so terrible - I really struggle to keep going at the moment and can't see any hope. Also any tips of getting through this - I try to keep busy but have no motivation at the ;moment - i have been signed off work due to stress and anxiety - so i have alot of time on my hands - and am worried about losing my job - i am worried about the kids - just feel desperately sad, lonely, unlovable and that it is all my fault - that i should have bben able to make it work and him to love me!!
Kathy

I was really sorry to hear about your recent struggles, I can really see the turmoil that you are in from your post. After being in a relationship that long it is going to take a long time to work through your emotions. There is no specific answer as to when it will get better, but it will, but there are likely to many good, bad and worse days along this road.

I think that you need to firstly try and stop blaming yourself and focus on the hear and now. Although hard, dwelling on the past will not help (I speak from personal experience).Then try and separate the practical matters from the emmotional ones. Do you have anyone that can support you in this?

As you have said your children appear to be coping and children generally are remarkably resilant. It sounds as if their practical/physical needs are being met and they emotional needs are still being met by both of you. So no blame required here.

Your priority has to be you, because if you crumble it will have an impact. Get legal advice re financial matters. Consider your work. Is it actually helping being off? Can you ask to return but on reduced hours for a short while? Again I speak only from my experience. I recently was going to go off sick with stress and depression due to divorce issues and I had kept it private from all work colleagues. I decided to tell my manager who was supportive and I tried to go to work and it actually helped. I then found others at work supportive too when I opened up a bit to them. I found sitting at home made things alot worse but each situation is different. If you do stay off plan each day and force yourself to stick to it.

Although it sounds trite, you have to really look for any positive events(no matter how small) in every day to challenge this dregree of hopelessness that you feel now. You could also ask you GP to see a counsellor, it may just help verbalising things.

Most of all please be kind to yourself and allow yourself the necessary time to recover.

SO SORRY TO HEAR YOU ARE HAVING TO GO THROUGH THIS AWFUL TIME,I AM 4MONTHS ON SINCE MY HUSBAND OF 32YRS LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER WOMAN,I DID NOT SEE IT COMING AT ALL..THE INITIAL SHOCK OF IT ALL FOR THE FIRST FEW MONTHS I THINK I JUST RAN ON SOME SORT OF ADRENILIN RUSH AND SEEMED TO DRAW ON SOME SORT OF STRENGH -PEOPLE SAID I WAS "COPING WELL"SO FOR ME THAT WAS THE FIRST BIT -THEN REALITY KICKED IN AND AND I WENT FROM COPING INTO A EMOTIONAL WRECK LIKE YOU I WAS HAVING TIME OFF WORK THE EMOTIONAL STRESS IS SO HARD TO COPE WITH BUT I HAD TO GO BACK TO WORK AS I NEED A INCOME AND LOOKING BACK THAT WAS WHAT HELPED ME,SO THAT WAS THE SECOND BIT,I AM NOW AT THE STAGE I JUST TAKE EACH DAY AT A TIME I AM FAR FROM "MENDED"AS I KNOW I HAVE A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF MYSELF,AND LIKE SO MANY GOOD PEOPLE TELL YOU ON THIS SITE- IT IS A JOURNEY THAT TAKES DIFFERENT TIMES FOR DIFFERENT PEOPLE-BUT FROM WHAT I HAVE READ ON THIS SITE AND LEARNED FROM DIFFERENT PEOPLE WE ARE ALL GOING THROUGH THE SAME PROCESS -JUST DIFFERENT STAGES AND IT ALL MAKES SENSE TO ME NOW,I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THAT IN MY FIRST MONTHS OF POSTING HERE...IT WILL NOT FEEL LIKE IT AT THE MOMMENT BUT TIME WILL HEAL....AND YOU WILL GET STRONGER...KEEP READING THE ADVICE ON THIS SITE IT WILL SO HELP YOU...THINKING OF YOU..TAKE CARE.X

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

My husband left in May. The weeks and months before that were pretty awful and I kept everything to myself. When he did leave I had to 'fall out of love' with him. It was awful.

I do have very supportive parents, who are my rock at the moment, but still keeping things together especially at work was horrendous.

In the end I told my boss who was lovely. He sensibly drip fed the news to people and gradually word got around. I was astounded at the support I have had, they have all been lovely.

I also couldn't bring myself to talk to friends for months. Eventually I bit the bullet and did. Again, mostly (not everyone...) has been really supportive.

The bottom line is, I would just talk to people. I found it incredibly hard, but it is the best thing I ever did. Bottling things up just makes you ill. I am sure if someone came to you with the same troubles you would help, most people it seems are nice!

It does get better - HONESTLY. You will realise your true worth.

Take care x

Thank you all for your support and messages. It is nice to hear that other people understand and have got through this horrible time. I am getting good support from my mum and brother but unfortunately they are not too close by. Friends have also been great - but i am finding it very difficult to be on my own - and so am feeling very needy at the moment - I do better if there is someone else around - but I cannot expect someone to be there constantly for me.

I have been hoping for a reconcilliation but Ex made it clear that was not going to happen last night. I still love him and want to try again but he has made it clear that he does not! I really need to move forward and let go but am struggling to do it. Why do I still want him back when he clearly isn't interested and doesn't love me any more - he hasn't for a good few years - which was very much part of the problem. The relationship has not been good for so long that i thought it would be easy separating and never realised how difficult it would be and how much it would hurt and how anxiously, scared lonely and depressed I would feel.

It is so difficult - how can something that hurts so much be the right decision???

K

I know how you feel greenpurse. My partner left after 21 years of amrriage. It had not been good for a long time but for some reason I am finding this so hard. I think I am afraid of the future and of being alone. My yougest daughter is 15 and i know when she leaves for uni at 18 I will be totally lost. I try to keep going for her though it is a real struggle and can't believe how I feel. Just have to hope it does get better as the kind folk on here keep reassuring us it does.

greenpurse wrote:

It is so difficult - how can something that hurts so much be the right decision???
K

Most hard decisions are hard. Thats just a fact of life. You will be feeling all kinds of things. The first couple of weeks were about the novilty of it. Wooopee I am on my own and I can do what I want. But that soon wheres off and now your walloing in the tradgedy of it all.

But the way you feel and whats going on is totaly normal. Most people that are rejected this way have this sort of pain. And it hurts. Like a knife thru your heart. Myself and others know this pain only to well.

There is no magic bullet that will fix this. You just have to go thru it and come out the other side. And there is a life after this. Honest. I am living proof of that statement. But there are some common things that can help you lesson the pain and make this shock and hurt and crying phase shorter. In no particular order:

1) Dont take time off work. Bury yourself in work. Find extra work todo. You need to feel needed right now and work is a great place for this. It will help you. Sitting at home mopeing will do you no good at all. Also, you are going to need this job. It will be your lifeline. So throw yourself at it. Protect it and nurture it.

2) Eat good things. Lots of protien. Lots of carbs. Just carb out on Pasta and potats. If you can get meat then cook it and eat it. Meat is a great source of proteen. No junk food. You need pucka good basic nosh. Good steak, mushrooms, peas and Mrs Beatons frys are clasic divorce nosh. It will help you.

3) He is not coming back. You need to work on this in your head. Acceptance is one of the early phases and usualy the hardest one to get past. The sooner you accept that this is truly over the quicker you will get into this phase the quicker you get past this. This one is hard.

4) Talk. Talk to us. People at work. Mates you name it. The more you talk about it the quicker you get over it. This is perhaps the biggest thing you will ever have to face in your life. This is not the time to bottle it up.

5) Your needy. Recognise this. You will talk needy. You will act needy. Some people exploit needy people. Remember this. So be careful and watch out for those men that will exloit you. The last thing you need right now is a new man in your life.

6) Be kind to yourself and your needs. You are gona play the sad songs. And the sad chick flicks. Thats totaly normal. So if you wana stick on a weepy then do it. Some chocs as well sure. But dont go mad on the junk food. But treats are ok at the moment.

Thats about all I can think of for now. But one last thing. Your not to blame. You will get over this. But there is gona be some tears and pain on the way. I cant tell you how long this will take. But you will laugh again one day. I know this. Becuase I like others on here have been there and come out the other side. C.